lEft nothing behind

A typical race day routine of a runner

2011-12-18T22:46:00.000+08:00

A typical race day routine of a runner:

You wake up before subuh while everybody is still soundly asleep in the weekend; get a quick bite, a cup of nescafe perhaps, put on the running jersey -- could be your own lucky charm running suit, or the one given by the race organizer.

You are ready to go. You kiss your loved one on her forehead, almost walking on your toe towards the door, cuz' you don't wanna wake anyone up. Their dreams must be the sweetest at the moment, you think.

You hit the road to the race venue. The road is dark, quiet and rather, lonely.

You send out a few text messages to your running buddy, shout out some anticipations, though in that moment, you're only surrounded by a quietness and silence.

Radio is all about pre-recorded tracks. Maybe one or two soft feeling songs will just hit right on the mood of being perfect lonely. You imagine how your car fly through the thick dark ink of chill air, while keeping an eye on the sign board before every junctions.

You drop by a masjid or surau nearby the race venue to perform your subuh prayer. Meet some other runners who are in the same race event tee you're in. Your prayer for subuh this time is a bit different. You pray for a good run, a safe run. You pray for the strength and health to complete the race course. You also pray that your loved ones would stay safe and blessed.

You reach the race venue. The crowd clears the loneliness, replaced by some kind of sense of belonging. These people whom you hardly know, are the same kind of enthusiast you are. You belong to this clan -- a clan of people who left their bed at 4 or 5am, just to run.

Flag off. You run, together with the hundreds or maybe thousands of runners. The thundering sound made by the runners' steps reminds you of the drum beats in an ancient war.

You start talking to yourself -- regardless of what distance you're running for, there's always a point where you start doing this. You imagine how your legs push you through every meters ahead, how your heart pumps doses of adrenaline into your body that perhaps making you feel a bit pain, while locking your focus to not let yourself give in to the laziness.

You finish your run, finally. You cross the finishing line, grab the finisher medal, the drink you are dying for, and maybe one or two banana. Your body is all drained out, but the satisfaction is maximum.

You feel happy, not really because of the medal or the bananas. Some said it's because of the hormones that your heart pumped into your vein. Whatever.

You share the moment with your running buddies, or with whoever reading your twitter or Facebook wall.

You send an text message to your loved one, a lil bit of wakey-wakey and promise her a heart-warming breakfast is on the way.

You head back. It's about 8-9am. It's weekend.

While some of your friends are still on the bed, you've already started it with a great feeling.

And you're going to repeat the same routine, again and again.

-- I dedicate this whoever went through the routine and will repeat the routine over and over again in 2012.

PS: Congratulations and many thanks to all runners around me. MMU Puma Run and KL Malakoff last weekend marked the final leg of the running event in 2011 -- I hope you conclude the year well.

On your mark on 2012, get set -- just to run.

Instagram: ".. and worse, Jack doesn't hv a year-end leave.."

2011-12-14T11:58:00.000+08:00

First of all I think I'm having a drained soul in a cold body. Like a disease. It happens every end of a year. Like snow.

..and the random screen-saver on my double-screened workstation pop up a random message -- I might take it as a prescription, or a cynicism -- depending on the current condition of my year-en disease.

Jack needs a break.

"Oh Jaan, I'm in India!" (4): "If..."

2011-11-08T00:03:00.000+08:00

"If" #1: IF our luggages were with us from the moment we touched down India, we would be busying checking our winter clothes before hitting Minali..

.. instead of sitting in this little vegetarian restaurant, planning a day tour in Shimla by flipping through flyers of 'Day Trip Packages' like those lame, uninspired and lack-of-imagination tourists.

What a shame.

"If" #2: IF we didn't accept the mis-arangment and chose to settle down with an alternative plan, we probably would have missed what Shimla can offer us other than a cozy chilly town we had seen before...

.. and hence, we discovered an adventurous side of Shimla.

What a plan!

:)

... and finally Ijol and I had got back our rag sacks, and finally I managed to wear my winter cloth for the 2nd half of the day before we left Shimla, and finally we were leaving Shimla and headed back north...

.. On our way to the bus station of this little town I was carrying my backpack and we were rushing in the dark, a quick thought suddenly flashed in my mind:

"..now I've got all my stuff with me, so -- game on, adventure!" :)

A post on the go

2011-10-02T09:43:00.001+08:00

I tag them as "Mini", I mean I will.

Perhaps my "Mini"-tagged blog posts will give some space to my little short notes, squeezed among my long-and-winding blog posts happening ( and crucially aggravating) lately.

Perhaps my "Mini"-tagged blog posts will help to capture thoughts that oftenly flashed and gone, just because I don't want to share it on Facebook or Twitter or Google+ or Buzz or etc etc.

Perhaps I should stop now to really make a stand on the real meaning of a "Mini"-tagged post:

- it means typing short, typing clean, typing on the go, and typing while waiting for my wife to settle her shopping, erm, things like that.

"Oh Jaan, I'm in India!" (3): Que Shimla, Shimla.

2011-09-18T12:01:00.000+08:00

"So... you guys are students?" The driver asked, while spinning his sterling making a sharp u-turn and going uphill.

"Erm.. no..." I could hear the slight gasp came from my 3 comrades sitting behind. The road was narrow, and winding and uphill. I was worried too.

"...ermmm .... huh?" the driver got a quick look at me, gave me a 'if not -- then--what?' gesture, reminded me of my incomplete answer to his question.

"Oh.. yeah.. we're not students.." My focus was all on the road we were on, and the 'inappropriate' speed of our van moving at, heading towards a place called 'Yai-Jyui-Yem-See(?)', as per Mr Kavi Khanna's instruction over the phone.

".. so... you guys are doctors then?" The driver looked to me with a very exciting smile.

Doctors?

*********************************************

I've never met Mr Kavi Khanna. Never until today.

We only had a few formal conversations over emails, and then over the phones when we were getting closer to Shimla, the north destination of our trip in India -- and to tell you the truth, Mr Kavi Khanna doesn't sound friendly at all, and sometimes his thick Indian accent really messed up our discussion about arranging accommodation in Shimla Youth Hostel.

That's why I was still unsure about our accommodation in Shimla, up to the moment when our Toy Train arrived early in the morning.

"Go to Yai-Jyui-Yem-See, someone will meet you there" was his last instruction, and that really sounded like a super-badass kidnapper, instructing how to handle the ransom.

..and I was the helpless father of three, following the instruction faithfully, bearing the great pressure and huge worries quietly, while having my three cheerful kids happily running around, not knowing any approaching danger...

---- "Oo~kei!" -- Our van stopped, hand-break pulled -- "Yai-Jyui-Yem-See." The driver announced.

"This is it?" I asked.

"Yeah, 'Yai-Jyui-Yem-See'," and pointed to the big building complexes at the roadside.

Indira Gandhi Medical College.

I. G. M. C.

*****************************************

We finally checked in Shimla Youth Hostel, a cozy and simple hostel squeezed in between a narrow walkway, raised by a series of staircases.

We were led by Mr Kavi Khanna's staff to our room -- the mysterious Mr Kavi Khanna was still out of sight -- and at the moment we about to unlock the room's door, Coco and Ijoi and I perceived one same sentiments at that same time --

-- finally we'll have a room and a bed to bunk in, ever since the start of our journey..

...and of course, finally we'll have the chance to take our shower, ever since the start of our journey...

*****************************************

Not expecting much from Shimla, we actually planned for a short stay only. In fact, Shimla in our plan was just a pit stop for us to get to Minali -- the ever famous gorgeous northern wonderland of India.

So, checking out the Lakkar Bazaar of Shimla became the only plan we had so far. Still not having our luggage with us, Ijol and I just had to put on whatever clothes that lent by our another 2 comrades of us.

A new T-shirts definitely freshened up our mood and made us feel clean, but while even locals were all wearing thick winter jackets or wool shepherd sweaters, walking on the street of Lakkar Bazaar by just wearing a thin sheet of T-shirt really felt like being naked -- the chill wind, the freezing weather was just piercing every inch of my body.

"I can't even imagine how the weather in Minali will be..." I mumbled, missing my thick winter jacket that left behind in my rag sack. I think there's snow in Minali, and I started to worry.

*****************************************

Out of our surprises, we enjoyed loafing in Shimla so very much.

Shimla is totally different from the India that we encountered before this. Initially we thought it' s because of the weather, or the cleanliness, or the altitude that made the difference, or the friendliness of the locals etc etc, but after checking out the this little town, we finally realized that it's a spirit of Shimla that creates that pleasant ambience of this place.

I call this spirit: Hope.

Our pre-trip research did not reveal that Shimla is actually a place where medical students come and study, and receive their qualification to become a doctor. Being in Shimla, we could actually feel the intelligence yet humble atmosphere surrounding this highland -- young storekeeper that concentrates on reading a thick text book behind counter, school-kids that flock to their school with happy faces, just beside walkway a young Indian selling her 2nd hand medical text books and attracted crowd of college students as if she's selling the hottest rempah in the market, little bookstores that contains really big titles, little school kid who walks to school while reading, the guards of IGMC and the driver who just expressed their excitement when they thought we were another batch of young doctors checking in to their town.... --- all and all, Shimla shines with hopes: hope for a brighter future, hope for a more promising generations, and hope for a better life.

--- "...and I HOPE that you really can send our luggages to here, PLEASE!!" I hung up, feeling disappointed with Malaysia Airlines. I just called their office and confirmed the address of Shimla Youth Hotel that we checked in, hoping that they would EVENTUALLY send our luggages back to us. But what I got in return, was a 'promise' that says it'll take more than a day to deliver the luggages from New Delhi to Shimla.

More than a day "-- which means tomorrow," I looked at my trip buddies, "..our bags will only reach here, earliest tomorrow."

"Shit." someone cursed, "So how's our plan to Minali tomorrow?"

Sigh.

"Oh Jaan, I'm in India!": (2) Moving north

2011-08-07T17:19:00.001+08:00

"... I forgot.

When I thought I had seen what Delhi's all about in my first visit, I forgot that I was still a guest looking at Delhi from the outside -- I would have the craziest adventure and nastiest experience in my trial to dive in Delhi, but I would still have my nights pampered in the highly secured and luxurious 5-star hotel... I was still a guest..

.. but tonight, I'm a backpacker with my sleeping bag ready, but hesitating -- The real scenes of Delhi somehow makes me feel naked, I'm feeling unsecured feeling discomfortable feeling depressed..

...but I'm also feeling real.

...I was still a guest back then.. now I'm a wanderer now, in Delhi, in India.. "

--- 13 Nov 2010... 2114hr. Old Delhi Train Station, Platform #10.

***********************************************

I flipped to the next page of my little notebook, a blank page. I felt like writing something but the chill of the night froze my thought.

It was like 2 a.m., I guessed. The engine was rumbling and Coco was snoring, both were loud enough to keep me awake. The train was moving northward, heading to Kalka our transit station for the Toy Train -- we did not have a route map of this train so someone needed to stay alert on 'when should we get off from this train'.

I flipped back to the last note I wrote before departure, and the scenes we saw on the platform just flashed back -- the homeless family who slept almost at the edge of the platform, the little kid who pooed on the railway and picking up anything and put into his mouth, a mother who was care-less enough to a dog that came and shared their food...

.... and also a bunch of young Indian men that told me that.. erm... "you're beautiful".

*gulp*

**************************************************

5 a.m.. Kalka.

The famous Toy Train was already sitting on the rail waiting for her passenger. Depature time is 5:30am.

Red in color, reminded me of the little toy train that we played in our childhood. I think she might look more gorgeous if she's shinier and less dusty, maybe it's the blue ambient of Kalka's dawn that toned down her reddish pride.

Owh of course we posed. Ijol and I had developed our very own winter-fashion 'sense' by only wearing what we had and using what we brought in the bag that was not left behind by our dearest Malaysia Airlines.

Ijol was wrapping around his neck with my checked kain pelekat and that gave him somehow a laid-back urban look -- in a way, I mean..

I managed to grab Malaysia Airlines' purple blanket and that definitely helped cover me up from the chill in north India -- SO... with that big sheet of greyish-purple and my thermal buff in red colour, PLUS my favourite earthy yellow t-shirt -- I think I looked like a gypsy-beggar, if not a pervert, or an unsuccessful mascot of Malaysia Airlines.

*********************************************

I was writing my journal note when the boys approached me. One of them got very close to me and tried to read what I was writing. I raised my head and smiled to him.

"Where are you from?" he asked.

"Malaysia." I smiled. The conversation kicked-off, his friends started to gather around me, speaking and whispering in their own language.

"Are you writing in Malaysia language? " he pointed at my notes. The background whispers seemed discussing on the same thing.

"No.. erm.. this is Chinese words.." I started to worry. He'll get confused Oh he's already confused.

"...erm... so this is not Malaysia words... and u write Chinese..? " he frowned. I knew it.

"yeah... I know Chinese too --- hey where are you guys going?" I tried to switched topic, the crowd was getting bigger. I felt like I was a celebrity.

"We are students.. going to our college.. " he explained, and mentioned the name of the place that I couldn't recall. The crowd nodded, I think they recognized the place's name hence they interpreted well.

I 'ahh~~' and nodded out of understanding and courtesy. One of his friends was pushed by the others towards the young man I was talking with, and made him whispered to him. Then the young man smiled and did the translation:

"They think you are beautiful."

*gulp gulp* WTH.

***********************************************

Our plan of taking the Toy Train ride moving north before sunrise just paid off! We witnessed the sun light piercing through the forests while traveling in the nostalgic Toy Train. And amazingly, the slow moving train, like 22km/hour, was actually climbing uphill..

...and as the train was actually moving towards another weather zone, the change of vegetations is obviously observed: pine trees, ficus, oak, mapple woods.. The fresh dew of the forest was awakening, but not for Coco.... and ohh.. Amie was looking also at the outcrops of the mountain range, and pouring out loud her geological interpretation of tectonic movement and bla bla bla....

Breakfast was served in the train, and the ride stopped at the picturesque Barog for 30 minutes for food loading, and of course for tourist, pictures loading.

The most enjoyment of the ride was definitely the scenery, the clean fresh and chilling air, the Toy Train itself, and the ride. And after some hiccups and discomforts that happened at the very beginning of our journey, the toy train ride just soothed our edgy nerves -- And I think this was very important for us to recompose the positive anticipations for the trip, as ahead of us, there are still many unknowns..

... ..erm, talking about unknowns, at the time four of us were happily posing sakan in Barog ..our accommodation in Shimla that I supposed to arrange and get it done, was still ..erm... undone...

*gulp gulp gulp*

"Oh Jaan, I'm in India!": (1) The Delhi-cious starter..

2011-07-03T21:24:00.004+08:00

13 November 2010, Delhi International Airport, Terminal 3, New Delhi, India.

"So.. u miss India already, huh?" Flipping through my passport, the man over the immigration counter looked at me through the upper half of his bifocals lens.

"Hmm... last trip was a business trip.. " I understood where he came from. I could've said "OH YEAH INDIA IS SO WONDERFUL THAT'S WHY I CAME BACK" but I decided to keep the friendly-joke to myself. Basically, one is not allowed to re-enter this country for his 2nd and 3rd visit within 2 months time; and my situation right there right then in front of the immigration officer was: he was flipping through my passport and looking at the date I last checked out from India, which was about 2 weeks ago.

I really wished he figured out that my visits were valid and legal: first on a business trip visa, this time -- the 2nd one -- on a tourist visa. Both I paid, Jaan.

"Those hand signs.." out of a sudden he put down my passport and lean forward to me, pointing to the giant hand signs popping out of the wall of this magnificent arrival hall, "... are called mudra, and they have different meanings.."

I turned my head up, looked at those mudras. Amie and I were talking about those beautifully sculptured figures before we entered the immigration counter, and obviously this Mr officer noticed that.

"... and this one..." he showed his hand making one of the mudras, "means 'good luck'.. erm.. sort of. " He smiled. And put a stamp on my passport. Passed. He welcome me. I thanked him.

My other 3 comrades -- Amie, Coco & Ijol -- were already waiting for me.

***************************************

The 'Good-luck' mudra did not work on us, at least for this time.

After a long stare on the conveying belt, from the moments it carried many luggages, many hopes, then we happily picked up Amie's red rag sack, till the moment we gratefully picked up Coco's bulky backpack, to the moment where most of the luggages, or hopes, were taken, up to the final moment we saw only belt conveying nothing, but a message:

My rag sacks and also Ijol's, together with the other tens of luggages of the same flight, were left behind purposely by our dearest Malaysia Airlines, due to the cabin-overloaded issue.

"Sir, we apologize on the proo-bhlem, jour luggage will be carried from Malaysia to here via ou next flightt." The officer repeated his script for the n-th time to the n-th unsatisfying guest.

"When will it arrive?" I needed to raise my voice despite of the very noisy and chaotic background.

"Tree in the morr-ning, sir." The local officer has a very thick indian accent, I really needed to listen carefully and tried really hard to not get distracted by his head's movement.

"That's not possible -- I'm leaving New Delhi tonight..." I almost shouted this time.

"Wha dis jour next des-tinay-sion, sir?" Argh, skip that head-shake please.

"Shimla -- -- "

"In that case, jou can fill up this form, and jive us jour contact num-behr and jour addrrress -- we vill send jour luggage to jour place -- " then a form was handed over to me. The officer turned to the next panic guest.

Contact numbers? Address in Shimla? I just hoped that the solution will be as simple as filling up the right details -- but our situation was a little bit complicated here: as MAS officer told us that if the given address is not in New Delhi, then they'll need more days to deliver our luggage, depending on where is the location -- so to Shimla, 2 to 3 days.

Problem was, 2 days or 3 days, Jaan? Cuz if it's 2 days you need, then at Shimla we'll be waiting; or else, I'm going to give you another address, depending on our transport arrangement later on.

I gave up explaining to any of the officers -- obviously they only think that foreigners who travel to India will only stay in their highly-secured stars-rated hotels, with precise hotel address, and won't be wandering around. Sigh.

I looked at Ijol -- being a very chilled-out type of person and always settle with an 'OK' with most situations and demands, he's filling up the form with all the details required.

.. and I saw Amie sitting with the luggages we had so far, sketching, planning, routing out all possibles alternatives -- I believe she's doing what she's best at, she's the master-mind of our trip.

... and Coco -- now where is this buggle!?!!

Sigh.

*******************************************

We decided to stick to our original plan: Delhi - Kalka - Shimla route. The only change in our plan was: Ijol and I will be wearing what we were wearing now, until we meet back our rag sacks.

Travel to Shimla was already one of the highlights of this trip. I'm talking about the Toy Train ride, traveling northward on one of the oldest rails in India that was listed as world heritage by UNESCO.

Got out of the chaotic airport we headed straight to the Old Delhi Train Station. My last visit to this place gave me an impression of pathetic -- poor ticketing system, poor counter service, and one can easily get lost in this ticketing building.

We needed to quickly figure out how the ticketing system work here, but there's a really long queue in front of the one and only information counter, with someone behind the counter shouting at each and every inquirer through a mic. So, with the help of a real loud speaker, from far you can already know someone is being scolded or given instruction in a not-so-friendly way.

Amie and I got into the long queue, joining the rest of the helpless faces -- felt like we were in the queue for a prosecution, scary somehow; Coco and Ijol were browsing around, looking for another solution, maybe the right ticket counter for our Kalka trip, the right signboard for us to follow, or --

-- yup, the right hot chick.

Coco and Ijol had found a really hot, maybe German, young lady who had the perfect solution for us: There's a special ticket office for the foreigners.

"Upstairs." Ijol pointed up, and looked back to his girl, asking confirmation. His girl nodded. Positive. Out of a sudden I thought Ijol was from German too -- oh whatever, bottom line was, the things that happened next, was 5 of us rushed to the office via a very dark stairway and some narrow corridors, and found the golden cave filled with lovely wind flowers, oh and also equipped with air-cond, waiting benches, Japanese with weird traveling gadgets etc etc, and of course --

4 tickets from Old Delhi Train Station to Kalka, depart almost midnight.

I forgot how we left the office, maybe or maybe not after a farewell kiss by Ijol to his German girlfriend.

**********************************

The leftover..

2011-06-20T00:21:00.000+08:00

Life has been fantastic and eventful, and it's packed with so much awesomeness to blog about -- but that's the problem. Too much, becomes too heavy to handle, and in the struggle with the time that flow too swift, he got lost and left out from the train.

..hence, he became a leftover.

**************************

...hence, I got married.

..but getting married is never a fair reason to justify a hiatus in blogging, as out there, there are bloggers who managed to blog along the the way from how they finally decided to get married -- to what they did for their wedding preparations -- until how the wedding went eventually -- and then the honeymooning blog-along -- up to the most current marriage life they are having -- and never even paused a month in blogging.

hence I truly accept the accusation of procrastination.

*************************

... He tried to catch up the train .. but you see, blogging is not only about recapping life, it is about expressing oneself's thought to life. Whatever. Point is, he was overwhelmed by all the confusions and excitements and anxiety and deep thoughts about life and about a change of life. Hence making him a failure to express accurately..

Oh yeah, in this phase, he's a leftover waiting for the next train.

*************************

Leftover is not loser.

But it might be a quit-er, like how I used to seriously think of quitting to blog, deleting all my blog posts and gaining my peace of mind -- oh the dilemma is one of the reasons for the hiatus, if that really helps to justify anyway.

************************

Back to his confusions.

So to think of it, the point is 'expressing' and 'sharing' his thought, better still, 'recapping' the life journey -- what if, he'd got someone whom he can express his thoughts to and share his sentiments with? Better still, that someone he got shared a same life journey all these while, hence there's no need of 'recapping' but 'rejuvenating'?

Better-better still, she was the reason of his expressions in his writings all these while, and now she's the co-pilot of his in the new train.

-- Point is, there's no any necessary anymore to make the lengthy blog, when he has met someone he can talk with, all night long, through out his life. No?

*******************

No.

Please, don't quit. She begged.

When I revealed my decision of deleting this blog, my wife stopped me. Up to that moment, I never thought that she was faithfully reading my blog all these while, or rather, in precise, she was faithfully, and patiently waiting for my update of this blog all these while.

Funny -- who said those couples in love never have miscommunication? :) While I'm worried that I've already bored her with my lengthy story when we are together, she's worried about I'll stop expressing myself through my words and writings.

Hence, I'll keep this blog alive, may not be kicking-ass-alively-alive but it will stay here for my thoughts, my sentiments, and my new dose of passion underneath my affection towards words and life.

---- to my wife,

you'll never be my leftover.

love.

realize .. (..a sequel, perhaps..)

2011-02-16T03:49:00.001+08:00

Once upon a time God gave me a vision of a bridge, and I perceived it as a hope for the final linkage of two lands...

.. I looked forward the bridge to come, and I whispered to myself, "I wish I could see how it built... I wish I could see how it built...." .. with tears down, I thanked for the guidance.

*************************************

Not long ago from then I looked at the bridge, I found my vision blurred...

... and I told myself, "keep your faith... the bridge is still there, InsyaAllah... " .. with tears down, I hoped it could clean the dusk from my sight...

************************************

Not far away from now I reached the river bank, and I saw no bridge..

.. I hopelessly fell on my knees and asked God what happened... with tears down, dropped into the water of the river, I saw my reflection..

I saw a bridge. The bridge.

************************************

Not so far away from now I was reluctant to accept the true message of the vision, avoiding the great responsibility that was assigned..

.. I helplessly begged God to take away the burden.. with tears down, I saw myself crumbled into bricks and pebbles, into sands and dusk...

I could never be the bridge...

************************************

Just ago my struggle broke me down and I fell on my bended knees.. ..

"There's no bridge -- you are the bridge, face it.."

... the greatest challenge, the deepest dilemma, the darkest struggle, the most heart-tearing battle, the tinniest hope.. -- face it.

.. with tears down, I pray for strength, for perseverance, for wisdom, for guidance and for a stronger faith, to face a destiny that I couldn't run away from..

***********************************

Ps..

It took me more than 2 years to realize this heavy message behind the vision I received once upon a time...

I realized now, that the moment when I received the vision of a bridge once upon a time, a task had been destined to me already;

I realized now, that when I was on my bended knees once upon a time and praying for the bridge to come, a responsibility had been added on my shoulder already;

I realized now, that when I was on my bended knees once upon a time, listening to the fear of letting my loved ones down and wishing for a strength to raise myself up, a calling had been made louder in my ears already;

I realized now, that when I was writing about a bridge once upon a time in February 2009, and posted it and titled it as 'On my bended knees', another post echoing it with my realization, had been written, somewhere in my life, already.....

Tangled..

2011-02-09T01:34:00.001+08:00

I'm tangled.

Face it: after all the while where we thought things are ok, I'm still in deep fear.

What did I do that dragged everyone else to the drowned what did I do that pushed everyone else start whispering at the corner what did I do that poured the silence spell to my love ones what did I do that faked every worries with a plastic relieve what did I do that made my old men stayed up in the night and stared the empty ceiling with their empty eye what did I do that sucked the soul of a sunshine what did I do that made a shout a yield a tease a sigh an insult what did I do that made my love ones wiped their tears quietly?

Is my vision that pushes me to take the less-traveled trail, or it's just my fear that blindfolds me from seeing the right way?

.... but vision, do I still have the guts to claim there's any, after all what had happened?

................ ....

Sorry, I truly am.

... waiting is another episode.....

2011-01-23T20:21:00.006+08:00

He's waiting for her to come back. The one he used to know.

For the time being, things gone hazy -- he's unsure about the journey she'd travelled, neither the duration of the deviation.

Maybe forever it is.

Hence, the episode begins.

******************************************

Many of my readers waited, I then realized.

The best (most sarcastic?) response I've received regarding my hiatus of blogging was:

"Hey so you left behind your 'lEft Nothing Behind' eh?"...

:) I mean, thank you -- Yup I've been to India, twice, within 1 month time.. so I assume I'm supposed to blog about the awesomeness of the journeys -- but look at here, this is how we spell 'procrastination'...

... and I'm sorry for the long wait, things gone hazy lately. Promise I'll come back.

Soon.

The perfect wedding..

2010-09-20T21:26:00.002+08:00

"What's the furthest distance for you?" He asked. The time was 1 minute after the silence when she announced a break-up.

"The furthest distance is when I'm sitting close to you..." She finished her drink, ".. but I'm not loving you anymore.. "

He looked at her.

*********************************

(1)

She's a famous wedding planner, but yet to have any plan of 'The Perfect Wedding' for her clients.

He's a famous wedding planner, but yet to reveal his plan of 'The Perfect Wedding' to any of his clients.

She knows she needs to have 'The Perfect Wedding' planned-out. Sir Gomez, her current biggest client gave him 2 years time to lay out the plan -- 2 years -- "sufficient enough", she smirked with a plot drafted in her mind.

++++++

(2)

They fell in love -- I mean, she made him fell for her, and when the night he kneed down with a ring and made his proposal, she knew she's almost there.

-- What's 'The Perfect Wedding' for the best wedding planner in the world? His own wedding.

That night, in front of the kneeing him, she nodded to the proposal, but smiled to the victory of her plot..

++++++

(3)

He started to plan his wedding -- the perfect wedding of him and his love. She's totally overwhelmed by the wonderful idea -- the plan of The Perfect Wedding is so gorgeous and flawless she just have to admit his status of the world's best wedding planner.

She rewrote every details of the plan to Sir Gomez in her email. "..only a heart that's deeply in love can create this perfect wedding plan..." Sir Gomez commented in his reply -- she almost can see Sir Gomez's smilling. She knew Sir Gomez was so impressed -- every words in Sir Gomez's replies carried emotions and expressions, she could feel that Sir Gomez was the happiest client on the planet, without the necessary of meeting him at all.

She smirked at Sir Gomez's comment, while thinking of the earliest date to dump his wedding planner fiance.

**********************************

He looked at her. The heartless silence conquered every drop of air in between them.

"I used to think that, " he broke the silence, "the furthest distance is when I'm standing in front of you, but you don't know how much I miss you, and how much I love you..."

She took off her engagement ring, put it on the table, "I'm sorry," stood up, grabbed her handbag, "..it's over." cold-hearted, headed towards the exit of the coffee house.

"..but in the last 2 years I realize that, " he continued, "the furthest distance exists when you know how much I miss you and how much I love you, but you just pretend to do the same, for some reasons other than love..."

She stopped. Turned around to him.

"... the perfect wedding plan is not yet complete," he looked at her, his eye filled with disappointment, "it requires a heart that is deeply in love..."

Her handbag slipped off of her hand. A hopeless weakness smeared from her feet, upward.

".. the furthest distance, " he stood up, "is even though we have been together for almost 2 years, you still don't know who am I -- that's the furthest distance -- " he walked pass her,

"-- ever..."

Once upon a cloud..

2010-07-03T01:05:00.001+08:00

"Such a cliche, man!" I mumbled to myself when I was about to type the word 'DREAM' into the note in my phone.

PapaJai and MatDuang were still behind me, at a distance of not-seen; and the rest of the troop -- Dila, Cecilia, Amie, Zahir, Ijol, Tita, Zeta, Alin, PokDin, Iman, Johan, Fatma, Zana and KakYam -- were way in front of me, at a distance of also not-seen.

So I was alone at that particular of time, somewhere inside the heart of Mount Kinabalu, the highest mountain of Southeast Asia..

... and it was the perfect lonely feeling that made me feel like writing something, but of course I called it off after realizing I did not really have something great to actually write about, hence the phone turned from a digital note device into an mp3 player, I plugged my earplug beneath my head buff.. the first song played.

It was an old song. John Mayer's "Bigger than my body".

****************************************************

"Look, uncle.." This little kid pointed far, leading the guardian's eyesight towards a magnificent view that framed with blue sky, green hill, and white clouds.

The guardian thought it was about the colors that pulled the kid's attention, until the kid said,

"...we're standing above the cloud."

The guardian smiled. So it's the altitude that you started to appreciate. He rubbed the kid's head, "jom?"

"Jom!" The kid shouted, high spirited.

***************************************************

Back to cliche -- "Bigger than my body" is a song about dreaming, and dreaming big.

Hey I used to dream about climbing up to Mount Kinabalu, the highest peak of Southeast Asia when I was young.

The dream started to mold when once upon a time someone senior brought me climbed up to a hill. I do not remember which uncle who took me up there, how did he look like, and which hill it was..

.. but I still remember the feeling, the feeling of making your step going up, for another greater top view; and the feeling of standing high, high enough like standing above the cloud; and I remember the senior rubbed my head with a smile...

erm.. perhaps that happened in a dream -- but I did not think too much about it. What I knew was I really needed to put my heavy weighted load aside, and turned back to rescue two old men who I left behind.

****************************************************

Every 1st time experience is perhaps the most vivd experience in one's life. The guardian fully understands what will this little climb bring to this little kid, like what had his first climb long time ago brought to him and his life.

.. and then he saw a little girl wearing striking pink t-shirt, guarded by her uncles and aunties, making her own effort climbing up a steep rock surface which almost all climbers will need a rope to handle.

The guardian knew the girl would make it by looking at the dedication that shined in her eye..

... and if that was her 1st experience of being committed to an effort and dedicated to a promise, that pink shirt little girl is already a grown up.

****************************************************

"This hike, man," PapaJai patted on my shoulder, "..is for you to prove, to us and to yourself, whether you are growing up to a super-man, or not..."

I was speechless.

Yup, the whole troop celebrated my birthday in my hotel room nights before our hike to the mountain, but that doesn't mean I'm already a grown-up..

..I have to pass this test -- the ultimate test that given by my big brother PapaJai, at least in this trip; a test that will put my patience on stretch, that will challenge my ego, that will make me learn to think in bigger view;

-- a test that will make me learn to be committed to an effort, and dedicated to a promise.

...... .... And of course a test with physical torture and endurance, like --- ".. so you'll be the porter for the troop," PapaJai said it to me, but announced it to everybody, "you'll be carrying most of the troop members' stuff hike up there..."

I sighed like a grown-up.

*************************************************

The guardian realized that the kid's body weight was more than any weight that he had been carried in any hike to any mountain;

... but he also realized that a little reward is essential for any kid after they've given out their best effort in completing something, like a hike up to the top of a hill.

Hence when the kid just climbed up to his back, he'd just happily provide a ride, a downhill ride for his little precious;

... and then soon enough, the guardian found out something that he never realized before....

**********************************************

The first time I realized that clouds mold their shape into various characters and live up in all stories in my fantasy, I knew that I'll be alright staying with the ability called imagination.., and I just want to safe keep it...

.... but safe-keeping the ability called imagination becomes tougher and tougher when we encounter the ability called growing-up..

Yup I mumble about growing up again. Sigh.

The fact that this was my 2nd time to Mt Kinabalu really helped me to be a lot more composed and cooler compared to the first timers like the super excited Ijol, super restless Zahir, and the super worried cum super dilemma (super de-ram-ma) trio Fatma, Tita and Dila.

.. but when I held on the coolness and composure, though they were in fact fragile and shaky, and trying to put on an image signed and sealed with 'Approved Reliability' label, I knew deep inside there's something shaking and questioning me..

..... and that 'something' surfaced when Amie told me her aim for her second chance being here...

************************************

"A baby?"

The guardian stopped.

"...A'ah..." the kid on his back pointed something behind them, ".. is that a baby?"

The guardian turned around and looked for what the kid was pointing at. It's a curled fern-leaves.

".. and she's in red color.." The kid touched the fern. There's indeed some reddish spots hided within the curled leaves.

"... and when she grows up, " the kid continued, "she'll become green.."

"......... you like red color?" the guardian broke the silence after he fell into speechless for a few seconds.

The kid nodded and smiled.

"OK.. so where were we just now?" The guardian pushed the almost-falling-down little heavy body a little bit up on his back, "..how many trees already?"

"22," The little heavy body pointed at another tree ahead of them, "..and that's the 23rd.. "

"Jom.." The wood-touching game continued.

********************************************

It's heavy. I think.

Amie said she wanted to reach the summit this time, she wanted to get through the spot after Sayat-Sayat -- the spot that she failed to get through few years back, and failed the mission of getting to the top of Mt Kinabalu, few years back.

To be frank I couldn't really appreciate how she was afraid of the spot that failed her, but from the way she put it, it was really something that was heavy for her.

And of course I did not tell her those 'motivational' bla-bla-bla like 'you need to get over it to prove that you can do it' -- THAT would be the toppest classic example of being cliche.. In the midst of me pretending that I was listening and feeling her, I suddenly felt helpless about me myself being in the state of hiking up this mountain.

This hike -- this protocol of hiking up the so-called Southeast Asia Top Roof, of getting through the mental hardship and physical toughness, of reaching the peak of the mountain, of snapping pictures at the top, of feeling proud, of showing off the achievement, of expressing 'Oh My God I felt that human-being are so tiny', of ... etc etc etc all the protocol-ic cliches -- out of a sudden I felt sad about me doing ALL these.

I knew I ALREADY started to worry about the cliche of growing up.

***********************************************

What is that about counting trees in the wood-touching game? The guardian really did not have any inkling of ideas.

The counts continued, with the giggle of the kid, plus some stories shared among them, about trees and baby fern. The guardian really hopes that the kid would keep and safe-keep the most precious treasure that every kids have --

-- it's an ability, a superpower, called imagination...

"See! uncle, this wood has a coarser skin than the last one... maybe he's sick..."

.... and don't worry about loosing it when come to growing up...

"... see, uncle.. this one is soft... but it's not red color.."

... cuz uncle just realized that, the ability of growing-up doesn't harm the ability of imagination.. yup, uncle just realized that -- just -- on the peak of the Southeast Asia highest mountain -- I perceived the real lesson about growing up.. ....

"Number 27! STOP!" The captain of the vessel commanded.

"Huh? Why stop now?"

"27 trees, cukup dah." Giggling.

What is that about counting trees in the wood-touching game? The guardian really-really did not have any inkling of ideas.

*****************************************

I was walking alone after Sayat-Sayat gate. Amie and Cecilia were in front of me, while the rest of the troop were somewhere behind. I couldn't see anyone of them. I was in a dark, in the state of mind of struggling, fighting and frustrating about a loosened me.

It's all about mental game now -- when the air gets thinner and thinner, they wind got chiller and chiller, the peak of the mountain seemed to be further and further away. I started to sing -- hum, I mean. A song that kept on playing in my head throughout this trip.

"Bigger than my body".

A song about dreaming, and dreaming big. A song that reminded me that I used to dream about climbing up to Mount Kinabalu when I was young -- The dream started to mold when once upon a time someone senior brought me climbed up to a hill.

... it was a childhood me with all the grown up fantasy -- so many dreams so many imaginations that built upon a cloud, and I thought I'm going to lose it when come to growing up...

..but then I realized I was wrong when I reached the peak of the mountain, for the 2nd time in my life....

... at the top of the mountain where I finally touched the clouds, I found myself wrapped by the clouds while performing my subuh prayer -- then all of a sudden all my childhood fantasy blended into a grown up me.... I paused for awhile in my doa, recite 'Alhamdulilah' deep from my heart, for making me learnt the biggest lesson that touches straight to the deepest fear of me being myself...

**************************************

No, 2nd time to the top of Mt Kinabalu doesn't not mean that I'm great enough to brag about...

2nd time to the top of Mt Kinabalu was still an exploration for me.

Besides the mysterious part of the mountain herself, with new friends and rejuvenated bonds of brotherhood and sisterhood, plus my new role and new responsibilities in the troop, nothing seemed to be familiar.

..but I think I had great time being in the heart of this mountain -- it was somehow a mystical experience for me. :)

********************************************

... and of course another little trip bringing two little ones hiked up the little Broga Hill -- it was, again, nothing to really brag about as we all believe that the trip was all about the kids..

How we wish little Una and Uyin will enjoy the hike, the sweat, the little push from themselves, the great view, the feeling of standing upon a cloud...

...and the imaginations and the fantasy they shared in this little world that mother nature offers to them -- the imaginations, the fantasy, and the mother nature are all belong to them, how we wish they can one day learned something great from these precious things that they already have, InsyaAllah, InsyaAllah.

*The end*

She who cuts my hair...

2010-04-05T22:43:00.000+08:00

"Welcome.. hey, long time no see.." She greeted, and was surprised to see the man who stepped in.

"Yeah.. been awhile... how's business?" I sat on the chair she made up for me, realizing I've asked a question which I shouldn't have asked by looking at the emptiness of the salon.

And she did not reply my question. Saved the awkwardness, indeed.

She covered my body with a white cloth with the word 'Schwarzkopf', get the rest of her tool done, looked at me in the mirror,

"So," with a very pleasant smile, she continued,

"Race? or jungle?"

********************************

She's Wendy, my 1st hair stylist when I started working in KL, and unlike the rest of the salon I dropped by to get my hair cut, Wendy's salon made me come back for a few times, for a very interesting reason besides Wendy's being such a cute and pretty girl..

Wendy has been my royal audience to listen to my mountaineering, jungle adventures and of course, my races.

*******************************

I looked back to her in the mirror, "..this one," I put on a serious face expression,"... is for my intensive training.. "

"Wu~~~~~ intensive~~~" she copied my serious face expression and acted on with a pondering gesture, "..sounds tough.. .. how should I cut it? Let me see..... hmmm ..."

.. and not even 10 seconds, we both laughed out loud.

"So, short?" She checked for confirmation.

"Yup, go short, but you know what's wrong with my ear, right?"

"... I know, I always wanted to cut it off.." She started to work on my side-burn, the sound of the razor started to tickle my ear, "so no race for this month? only training?"

"I've just finished 2 races last week... the first one we climbed up KL-Tower..."

The sound of her razor suddenly paused, "... what??" she looked at me in the mirror, "KL Tower? THAT KL Tower?"

I nodded. She showed a 'OK' face expression, switch on her razor and continued her work, "..but you guys ran up to the top of the hill beneath the tower then took the lift up to the top of the tower, I supposed.. .. or you guys finished at the main entrance of the Tower? " she mumbled.

"No.. we ran up to the top of the tower, 2058 stair cases, no lift. "

The sound of razor paused again.

*********************************************************

**********************************

"So how was it?" Wendy the scissor-hand started to show off her skill on my head.

"..yet to receive the official timing.. but I felt better than last year... and I think timing was about the same..."

"What was your timing last year"

"About 20 minutes."

I felt she paused for half a second before she took a deep breath, ".. so big prize you won then, huh?"

"No," I peeked at her quickly, knowing she's going to get shocked again, "with that kind of timing, my position was like 120th."

Zass~~ she just chopped off that little piece of my hair that she clipped with her fingers, ".. so what's the timing for the 1st place?"

".. I don't know.." It is around 13 minutes, but I dare not to get her shacked again as the scissors are still in her hand.

************************************

"Short enough?" She hold my head and lifted a little bit, ensuring me to look straight into the mirror, "huh?"

"hmmm..." I looked at my new hairstyle -- it's my standard type of new haircut -- with my two pieces of astro plate or antenna or wings or wind handles or whatever you want to name it slightly popping out.

"You want shorter?" Wendy seemed to know how to read her customer's mind, ".. you sure? Crew cut might not suit you, you that that right?"

"..then no crew cut for me, just a little bit shorter.. go ahead, for April."

"April? What's with April's training? Like a centralized training type of thing or what? Coool~"

" Nah! Just need to buckle up -- I have to train harder now. I'm not improving.. "

"...hmm... how was your second race? A night race you said?"

"Yup, Energizer Night Race.."

************************************

******************************

"Your team won the 9th place? WOW!" Wendy was impressed by the achievement made by my team 'Run KOMA Run' in 4x10km relay.

"..This is a great team... sometime I think I hadn't given out the best for my team.."

"..but I can't cut any shorter lah bro..." Wendy smiled. I appreciated her sense of humor, something hanging inside me to think of me myself being in the running team with all my running buddies.

Wendy tapped on my shoulder when I fell in deep thought. I looked at her in the mirror, she showed a 'let's get your hair washed' hand sign.

************************************

I was starring at my new image in the mirror while she use a hair dryer to dry my hair. I saw my 2 pieces of astro plate finally popped out from both side of my cheek bone and I felt like looking at a kiddo me, it's just that this one is much more skinnier and pale.

"You should eat more... more handsome if fatter.." Wendy put a non-remarkable remark. I responded with a smile.

"I hope this is short enough to suit your training needs.." she said, "..and don't disappoint your team.." She smiled. I smiled back, thinking that that was another non-remarkable remark that she used to end a conversation with a customer..

..but I was wrong when she continued and said,

"... my senior in our styling team always say this to us, 'believe that you are in a great team and with you in it that make the team greater' ... I hope this also work to a running team.."

She smiled and bid farewell. I waved my hand and left, with a warmth-filled heart.

"Believe that you're in a great team, and with you in it that make the team greater.."

split|ting me...

2010-03-27T02:22:00.000+08:00

Man: "..I think I failed... I even lost something I didn't expect initially..."

Spider: "I think I did worse... been working so hard but I am just plain inefficient.. what did you lose by the way?"

lEfty: "..He lost his ability to share how he feels.. all his words gone.. sigh.... why is everything getting tougher as we thought it'll be going fine? I lost my heart in the middle of my task, and I couldn't find it now.... "

Me: ".. perhaps we are wrong... it's a mistake for us to be splitted and then we become companions for each other among us.... like this ...."

sigh..

How wrong am I?

2010-03-05T02:46:00.000+08:00

Hiatus. I apologize.

I wrote and saved so many drafts since the start of 2010, but none of them will fit enough to describe what's wrong (or what's not-wrong) with a blogging me, or a living me..

... hence those drafts stay draft, like the wrong me stays wrong..

How wrong am I as per date?

I see sounds. Yup, THAT wrong.

I can't tell you how terrible the feeling is when 'seeing' sounds moving around like drawing blocks, or even worse, plywoods. For example you'll wonder why that piece of sound do not have transparent background so that when overlapping in front of another piece of sound (or plywood in this case) we still can see what's going on with the plywood behind.

Then you'll start getting fuzzy and try every means to move the plywood behind to front like what we do to the graphic arrangement on Microsoft Powerpoint or any other visual software on computer; and then you'll find out the same issue happening to the second plywood and then you'll start shifting it to behind again or closer to each other hoping that they will blend together and then you'll get frustrated and then you knock the plywoods and try side-by-side arrangement and then you concluded they really can't blend his way so you retry by tilting them at various angle, orientating them or maybe upside-down and you try again by shifting them, front to end, side by side... --- oh yeah by the way that's only for 2 'plywoods', don't get me started with more sounds here.

So you tell me, how wrong am I? I know, sounds -- but that's not the problem, I think. Do you still keep the memory of coloring when you were young? What do you feel when you do coloring and there's a little area just can't stick with any color you try to put on? I used to see a crocodile hiding in that little area, eating up all my colors within his territory.

The world change when our vision towards a picture collapses -- that's how wrong I am, now.

PS:

1. STOP trying to interpret this post if you don't have the coloring memory.

2. STOP trying to interpret this post if you don't believe the power of vision.

3. STOP trying to interpret this post as this post might be another draft that I'll save forever...

A confession of a broken-hearted photographer...

2009-12-28T00:46:00.003+08:00

Yes Datuk, I did not put this in the 'Terms & Conditions' when we made the agreement of me taking photos for your engagement day, and I think I should have mentioned this anyway:

"The photographer shall take the best pictures for the event covering the best lighting, best posing, best angle and best subject composition with his best effort, but the photographer shall also be given the exception should the quality of work is defected by the inner factor such as emotions. Client is advised to consider viewing the pictures as 'another way of expression'. "

-- In this clause, 'another way of expression' is free from the client's expectation, as it's heavily dependent on the mood of the photographer.

In other words, you should not blame me for some weird pictures I've taken which were not up to the standard of Ms Fatma The Ultimate Diva Behind Lens.

OK let put it straight -- If you find the pictures are a little bit gloomy, sorrowful, lonely or perhaps sensing the smell of heart-broken, you should, according to the clause, just accept it, because --

-- well, I hate to say this, you've got one of the finest lady in this world as your fiance.. and my heart was hence broken into pieces just because she's yours now.

Congratulations, heartily from your (heart-already-broken) photographer.

Ps:
1. Wakakakakka... psycho x?
2. Datuk, remember the conversation we talked about photo-editing? These photos are purposely touched up, just because of the ambiance I want -- so, though sometime photo editing is 'kinda' against a photographer's 'integrity', but for the sake of 'expression', feel no guilty.

03:31:54.

2009-12-25T03:32:00.002+08:00

I guess I stumbled.

Just think that standing up after stumbling -- that would be a little bit childish here..

Want to, but not really afford to...

A thread of old life, how would you pick up? How about that of new one?

Normal may it sound - but how'd you go on when your heart begins to understand there's no going back?

Life, and its many many layers, were your choice initially, but not your options anymore once you'd decided...

... ...........

1. Pardon my awkward writing, I called it 'hide-and-seek'.

2. IGNORE it if you don't want to understand. Really, it doesn't really matter, so don't shout at me.

3. 03:31:54, I'm tired.

4. Happy holiday, if the mood matches yours.

Inspire. Inspired. Inspiring.

2009-12-16T03:47:00.005+08:00

A young reader of my blog, Cheer, decided to start off blogging after following my little 'lEft.nothingbehind' for quite some times. She sent me a message telling me how nervous she was.

...and I did not reply Cheer's message. I only smiled and wished her all the best, in my heart.

Another young reader of my humble blog, Zafirah, sent me a little note telling me how she was 'inspired' by the approach of me telling a story.. and hence practiced it in her SPM trial of English paper essay writing, and managed to get a 47/50 high score, equivalent to 91% for the paper. In her email, she told me how excited and how thankful she was..

....and until now I do not know how to reply her email.

Across the South China Sea, an English teacher in China, Xiaorong Li, sent me a note asking permission to use one of my blog post for her (his?) class. In the note, teacher Xiaorong Li told me she wished to let her students perceive a 'transcultural perspective' from my post...

...and I think I replied something but I forgot..

.... ...

...and now please tell me how should I react to all these feedbacks. Overwhelmed? Proud? Excited? Motivated? What?

What?

I showed the email from Ms. Zafirah to my mentors, hoping I would get some words from them but I did not. Of course they are happy for me for being good enough to inspire someone else, but that was not the feeling I was getting.

Instead, I somehow felt worried.

'To inspire' is a big word, and I don't think I'm right to carry it.

I know what's the feeling of 'getting inspired' like, and I would proudly say that there are great people around me who are truly inspiring... and listen carefully, inspirational people can be people who seems to be tiny and down-to-earth. I've seen too many so called 'great leaders' talking on the stage of 'inspiring people', but they only talk craps and cliche, and pathetic enough, while they thought they are gaining worships and admirations, they never realized they are actually making themselves an on-sale product with cheap promotions.

Seriously, when you find yourself trying too hard boosting what you are and who you are, with some old memories of track records and medals and awards, then you are loosing crowd.

..cuz a man would know well enough what's the feeling of being truly inspired.. and a man, too, should know well enough when and why they are being truly inspiring, and when and why they are not.

..because 'to inspire' is a big word -- I just think that one should at least be righteous and sincere enough to carry the noble task, achievements and glories are only the next factors that count after the integrity and modesty, no?

Ps.. Zafirah, yes you are right, it feels amazing to know I somehow helped out at the end of the day through my humble writings, but I don't think mine is able to affect people as what you've said. I'm glad I've unintentionally provided you some kind of references or perhaps an idea for you to write better, and your feedback is definitely alarming for me as I now really really have to watch out what I write and what I said. :) thanks again.

In pursuit of knightship.

2009-12-08T00:01:00.001+08:00

I'm back. Last night, while you were asleep.

Pardon me for the sweat and blood, it was a lot of try-and-error I've done.

Pardon me for the wounds and scars, it was a lot of huff-and-puff I've gone through..

..and pardon me for failing, if you expect any win.

I'm back. Last night, and I sneaked into your room.

I still have my sword with me, more importantly I still have my name with me. "Your name is a given," she said, "use it to fight rather than your sword.."

..and I left, for this journey, carrying my name and her last words, I brought it to you...

I'm back. Last night. And I kneed beside you and observed.

I could tell you my wildest tales of my journey, tell you how I fought the dragon and escaped from a bursting volcano.. ; or perhaps how I lost in the jungle of lies and almost drowned in the river of dilemma...

..and of course sometime I exaggerate, but my dear, every story I've told is part of me... ..

I'm back. Last night, when you were dreaming of an adventure.

How I wish you'd learn to stand tall, and live righteously; but living righteously is more than what people around you might have told you...

"Always check your intent before you draw your sword," she made me to remember this when I was given this sword....and now I'm giving it to you, and promise me to use it as a separator.

A separator between one right intent and those bad ones..

... as one right intent is already a beginning of righteous living..

I'm back. Last night, and I kissed your sleeping eye...

.. and I'm leaving, perhaps before dawn..

How I wish to take you along, but I choose not to. As you will have your own journey one day... a journey like mine, or even greater, and as adventurous as your dream, in your pursuit of knightship.

The curious case of the disloyal order and the disorder loyal of a writing bug in a disturbed mind..

2009-11-07T11:52:00.003+08:00

(There comes November, prescribing a death penalty onto my blog posts for October.. )

(... and I apologize to those who waited. In fact I'm surprised and thankful to know that there are actually people waiting.)

Yes, my writing paused. It just jammed like the photocopier in my office. And when I thought I was stuck because of the chaos in my life throughout the month of October, a friend of mine came to me and ask a simple question:

"Can I look at what's in ur pocket?"

There's a little notebook inside my pocket. I do a lot of drafting and quick jotting inside it. But lately, it's filled with sketches.

... hence I realized, I wasn't stuck, I was just unintentionally switching to another way of expression -- I don't write, but I sketch -- in the middle of a wait, inside LRT, after-work walking alone, midnight awake -- whenever I'm alone, whenever the disorder state of emotion haunts me, whenever a heavy press of my pen onto the paper or a random line helps in expressing my desperation or chaos better than words.

Post-post note....

"You don't seem OK..." She gave the notebook back to me after flipping through it..

"I'm OK.." I smiled, kind of regret for lending her the notebook.

".. a spider's killer instinct is actually its self-protection... for they got hurt, they get defensive... I understand where you are coming from... " she explained.

I was stunned.

".. but don't build up the walls around you... " she continued.

I was stunned.

Thank you, Shunza.

My Ruku' & Sujud..

2009-09-13T23:32:00.003+08:00

I just realized that I always got something to say in every Ramadhan.

In 2006, I perceived Ramadhan as an endurance test, hence I wrote this;

in 2007, I celebrated Ramadhan on a Norwegian vessel, and had a thought about self-discipline, hence I wrote this;

in 2008, I came back from my Europe grand tour, with the musing from the tour I celebrated Ramadhan with a perception of faith, hence I wrote this.

In 2009, I entered Ramadhan with a new breath... and I find myself speechless.

Ramadhan doesn't feel the same anymore.

Too many things happened on me in this Ramadhan. I almost lost my hope in front of a musibah, I lost patience on my stupidity and inadequacy, I lost my temper and threw it to my dear brothers, I broke down and crumbled in front of God;

..but then, things changed. Along with my prayers, my ruku', my sujud, my re-composed belief towards Qada' and Qadar, things changed slowly in the same Ramadhan.

When I look back, this Ramadhan doesn't feel the same anymore -- when all about you before was shredded off, and all about you previously was redefined, what left behind is a naked core... the one you have nothing to hide but to face all your weaknesses, the one that will make you shamefully fallen on your knee, to ask for forgiveness from The Almighty..

This Ramadhan taught me the meaning of bertaqwa;

This Ramadhan offers me a month of self reflection, a month of inner self cleansing..

.. but it's just me being too dumb-witted, not picking up any drops of holiness of Ramadhan, but wasted, day after day, this only-one-month holy month.

When Ramadhan is approaching to its end, I find my desperation worsened -- I'm still on my way searching for the true meaning of Ramadhan, I still find myself stuck in a pressing urge when realizing my inadequacy in reciting Quran, I still failed here and there when come to bertaqwa, I still have the deep guilt-feel to think of my dosa...... -- but when Ramadhan is approaching to its end, missing any Terawih, or even a thought of missing one night of Terawih makes me feel guilty; loosing focus in my prayers makes me feel guilty; loosing grip on my Taqwa and patience makes me feel guilty; fall into the trap of desires makes me feel guilty....

Perhaps yesterday I was only a passenger walked by the door, hoping I could have a glance at what's behind it, and I thought I've learned well by peeping through the keyhole;

Today when I walked into the door of Ramadhan, my heart shivers and I'm blank baffled. There're more than what I thought I've learned, there're much heavier than what I thought I've enjoyed, and there're more sweetness than the fasting pain that I thought I've borne with..

Ramadhan doesn't feel the same anymore. My ruku' and sujud wouldn't feel the same anymore..

Sneak.

2009-08-19T13:15:00.010+08:00

Wake up. I caught a grasp of cold air.

Where am I? My eye started searching around. Deep dark. In a cave. I could hardly move my body. I felt pain, but I couldn't moan -- my slight instinct alarmed me to not make any noise.

The boy's sleeping beside me. Peacefully. I look at him, listening to the noise made by another scouting troop. Things never turn right. Things never turn right.

I looked west. The bridge's still there.

*************************************

Wake up. I heard somebody weeping.

My body was laying on my bed. I'm still here, inside the cell. The little boy on next bunk was crying , I need to get him out of here, before the worst.

"....before sunrise.." I read the message written on my arm..

He's the precious. He's the hope. I looked out. The bridge's there, but there're guards around. I moved to him, held his little hand. I could feel him shivering, and he's weak.

"Hey boy, be strong, OK?" I whispered, ".. you're not a coward.. be strong.. everything will be fine, we'll get through this one day.. " I see him nodded.

*********************************

Wake up. I heard people cursing, and the chaos triggered by angry crowd. Realizing something had gone terribly wrong, I looked for the little boy.

..but I was too late.. the boy was captured and tied up. He was still trying hard to breath when I reached him. I saw the bruises on his body, and the stones of blame and humiliation were scattered around him.

"Wake up, buddy.." I shook his little body.

"Hey... look what I've done to this land..." he answered, slowly opened up his eye. I looked around. This land used to be a wonderful place... but it's now full of anger and despair..

"...hey..." the boy continued, ".... I'm a coward, right?" I see tears in his drained eyes.

***********************************

Wake up. I had a nightmare. In it, I lost him.

I can't afford to lose him. I need to bring him cross the bridge. There are helps there. All my brothers across the bridge will protect him, all my sisters across the bridge will give him food.

Eyeing on the bridge, I know I just need to wait for another few hours for the guards to switch shift. He's still breathing. Thank God. Outside of this cave, the scouting troops were still searching around.

I put my hand on this forehead to feel the warmth. He looks so fragile when he's sleeping, but I know he's a strong little boy. He's a gift from God -- a gift that should be guarded till death. Falling on my bended knees, I pray to God. I pray for strength and guidance, so that I can protect him better, so that I won't let him get hurt anymore; I pray for a way out, from all these chaos, from all these misunderstandings; I pray for a better tomorrow; I pray for two lands that is linked by a bridge, not separated by a bridge...

**************************************

Wake up. I caught a grasp of cold air.

Where am I? My eye started searching around. Deep dark. I'm still in the cave.

I looked west. The bridge's still there, and it's cleared. I heard Azan from the other side.

It's time. Fajr Azan is a signal for me and my brothers at the other end. They must be waiting now.

I woke up the little boy, "we gotta go now.." I put him on my back, recalling the message -- the last message left by my brothers earlier, written on my arm --

"Bring Faith back... before sunrise.."

I patted on the boy who's riding on me now, "ready?" he nodded. I turned my head and kissed him, "I'm bringing you back, Faith..."

Faith hold his arm around me tighter. We sneaked out the cave, towards the bridge.

With or without..

2009-07-26T20:38:00.003+08:00

With or without,

with or without,

with or without

White Water Rafting: Sg. Sedim, Kulim.

With fresh and rapid and swift and #$%&*# water;

Without high-up climb but straight down dive.

With insanity.

Mountaineering: Mt. Sweetenham, Cameron Highland.

With fresh and moisture and chill-to-your-lung air;

Without water -- no, not even a little tiny drain.

With insanity.

White Water Rafting: Sg. Sedim, Kulim.

With the meaning of 'Reunion' for old+new KOMAites;

Without the full understanding of what 'World's 6th toughness' mean.

With fun.

Mountaineering: Mt. Sweetenhem, Cameron Highland.

With the meaning of 'Induction' for new KOMAites;

Without having any idea about the mountain, actualy... huhu..

With fun.

White Water Rafting: Sg. Sedim, Kulim.

With only scream and shout and yell and moan;

Without singing except 'Pulang, marilah pulang, marilah pulang, bersama-sama.."

With laughter.

Mountaineering: Mt. Sweetenhem, Cameron Highland.

With (bi)siiiiingiiiiiiiiiiiing, also moan and shouting;

Without giving up or cry-baby-cry from newbies

KOMAites. (Well done!)

With laughter.

White Water Rafting: Sg. Sedim, Kulim.

With 210% energy in me, for an unknown reason;

Without kia-si (Singaporean local Hokkien: kia - takut; si - mati..) in me... (although there was an almost 'si' moment..)

With adrenalin rush and mental psycho.

Mountaineering: Mt. Sweetenhem, Cameron Highland.

With -10% energy in me, for a known reason;

Without any patience and control in me, on tackling this mountain.. (failed.. big time..)

With mental psycho.

White Water Rafting: Sg. Sedim, Kulim.

With Angah, my big brother and KOMAotai, after months of 'outdoor fasting' in his new office;

Without PapaJai, although he was physically not 'floating' as he usually be.

With parental control. (oops..)

Mountaineering: Mt. Sweetenhem, Cameron Highland.

With PapaJai, my big brother and KOMAotai, after weeks of 'quarantined' offshore;

Without Angah, who was using up his monthly permit from his maharani.. (one minutes of silence, please..)

With parental control... (double opps..)

White Water Rafting: Sg. Sedim, Kulim.

With Daus my twin - hey dude finaly we get outdooring again!

Without lari-lari dalam hutan -- well of course not, we only rempit-rempit atas jeram jer!!

With newcomer Marikh Boy Kerel stealing away hanuman's limelight. (Blueek!)

Mountaineering: Mt. Sweetenhem, Cameron Highland.

With lari-lari dalam hutan -- this time with Zana the Iron Lady, so I was guaranteed not to be scolded!

Without Daus, but still with Ijoi the Mr 'No x5', laughing from bottom to top then back bottom of the mountain.

With newcomer Mek Dila stealing away Huda's limelight. (Blueek!)

White Water Rafting: Sg. Sedim, Kulim.

With a lot of durians and rambutans to feast;

Without mohawk or sweeper or porter to help to carry your OWN stuff including your own TRANSPORTATION..

With smile in pain.

Mountaineering: Mt. Sweetenhem, Cameron Highland.

With mohawk AND sweeper AND kura-kura sakti to carry stuff for you;

Without durians but only duri (thorns), but with post-mountain ABC promised.. (not bad..)..

With smile in pain (when hooked by thorn on your forehead..)

With KOMA's flag: komane banderuola.

Without compromise.

With family.

Without question.

(Without birth control/ family planning intention at all..)

(ahaks!)

Zone?

2009-07-04T15:14:00.001+08:00

A young reader of this blog send an email to me and this is her little request:

"Can you please elaborate more on a comfortable zone? does it mean that we should not just satisfy with current situation, have to explore more?

I would like to read your blog about this ..if you are free to write.. thank you ^^ "

I thank her for the email, although I don't really understand why she chose me to be referred to such a question. If the email dropped into my mailbox years earlier, I might have quoted some saying about being 'adventurous', and telling her that getting out from your mama's embrace and yada yada, end up arrogantly writing a lengthy notes showing off my belief , but not now -- --

-- now, I'm rather worried and perhaps careful to answer her request.

-- cuz' you could ruin someone's life if that person take your advice in a very superficial way. And I dare not do that.

Going out from a comfortable zone can be extremely disturbing, to the extent of heart-tearing and it can crumble you down into pieces at any time. But there's one thing about getting uncomfortable despite of all the fears and insecurities -- You just need a drive. A strong drive.

A strong, strong drive, called 'Faith'.

We all are children of God, and we all are meant to shine according to God's will. Stayed surrounded by everything that you are familiar to, and stayed pampered by the feeling of secured will not help you to see God's will.

Let's try think in this way: God created us and God created the world far bigger than where we stand, isn't His will that want us to go out and explore, and ultimately found the reason to shine?

.. Yes I know, my 'answer' does not really help to explain what the young reader wants to know -- and in fact, I don't really intend to give any answer or advices. I still have to say, that none of us know what's outside our comfortable zone and none of us wouldn't feel terrified when challenges come -- None. It's you who will decide and chose your own path --

-- so if you're not sure, please stay, until you perceive that ultimate vision, God willing.

Mirror talk.

2009-06-11T14:42:00.001+08:00

We’ve seen a lot of classy hotels that provide lifts with mirror inside, but have you ever thought about the function of those mirrors?

Well, some might say it’s another cliché interior design which have been copied-cat over and over again in most of the hotels;

..and, maybe some might say it gives that little lift a roomy and spacious feel by putting the mirrors inside;

..erm, some might say it’s a little friendly touch provided by the hotels for their guests, in order to check their appearance before going out of the lift and meeting somebody important in lobby..;

.. some might even say it’s something about Feng-Shui or perhaps a ‘Ghostbuster’ trick.. etc etc etc.

So what say you?

Mirrors inside a lift are put up for a reason. It’s for the sake of conveniences of our wheel-chaired friends, so that they don’t have to turn around, and still be able to keep an eye on the level of the lift which would appear on the digital board near the entrance.

Most of the time we think and speak and act on behalf of ourselves, sometime we just have to re-look things from somebody else’s perspective, and every time –every minutes and every seconds -- is the time to quit egoism and quit being self-centered.

Thousand islands. thousand sunshines..

2009-06-06T14:09:00.003+08:00

Pictures explain thousands words. True -- so I'm not going to say more than 1000 words here to explain how cozy my recent 'geological field trip' was in Pulau Seribu, Indonesia, especially when ONE WHOLE ISLAND is only 15 of us -- just imagine, or if you can't, click here to visit Fatma's blog, or just click down there to look at my Tabblo.

The day I was snorkeling among the thousands islands, a blue star fish greeted me, and he said, "hey biggie.. swim away, I'm enjoying the sun shine.. and why are u floating? Star fishes are not supposed to float like u.. " ... Here to see my tabblo.

Hello Aiman from Spider -- A letter from Tahan..

2009-05-20T01:51:00.000+08:00

Dear Aiman,

Hello, and congratulation, for the journey -- yup, the journey... the journey that you've promised and you've dreamed for.

Remember the unrecorded resolution for 2009 you told me at the beginning of the year? Well it's unrecorded because it's 'unconventional'. :) .. so can I reveal, for the sake of a record, now?

You did not resolve for any oversea trips this year -- which was not a typical you; you did not resolve 'to read such and such books by the end of the year'; you did not resolve to do anything for your photography hobby ...

-- instead, your new year resolution was a simple, yet heavy, in your case.

"It is a journey," you said, when we sat down face to face at the start of year 2009. And I smiled, and asked, "a journey far, far away?" then we immediately let silence conquered our conversation. It was the silence of sigh - both of us have no idea on how to get there by then, but deep inside I had trust on you -- I knew you'll embark on the journey one day, I just knew.

.. and look, here you are, with a sack on your back -- packed with lots of love and blessings from your brothers and sisters, packed with all your determinations and sacrifices, and most importantly, packed with the responsibilities, the obligations, the belief and the faith -- you are standing on the beginning of the journey.

Yup, the journey.

... and dear Aiman,

I believe you too witnessed the same thing I observed, about how The Almighty Him lays the

route of your journey. Yes -- it was you and the gang of KOMA planned the Gunung Tahan Expedition, but did you expect anything that God's given to you during your almost 1-week stay in the heart of Tahan Mountain Range?

The scenery, the people, the ambience, the 'untold' stories, and those little miracles you witnessed here and there during trekking -- praise to God, I somehow see this expedition as an real induction for you to enter the whole new world of Him.

Tell me more about the miracles you saw in Gunung Tahan, please. I know you did see something, and you've problem expressing it to others, so sometimes you chose to weep quietly when you were walking alone in the troop.

..and don't worry Aiman, you wept not because of the toughness of the condition, but it's the miracle

s -- the instant answers of God to your prayers -- that moved you to tears.. I understand, as I understand what are you whispering about during jungle trekking, as I understand how meaningful the Tahan Expedition is for you.

(..but still, give me every details about the miracles, please... *wink wink* )

Aiman,

You received angah's welcome-back sms when 18 of you finally touched down in Kuala Tahan. I hope you still remember that kind message from him.

"You will appreciate more things from now on.."

I truly agree with him, Aiman, and in fact, I witnessed the bond of the brotherhood and sisterhood of KOMA are up-leveled. So Aiman, always -- I mean always and always and always remember the feeling of guilty you had in any moments of you letting them down, because you owe them too much, way way way too much.

I truly believe Tahan Expedition was a great beginning for your great great journey ahead, and I shall congratulate you for your Gunung Tahan expedition, and congrats again for finally embarking on the journey that was listed as your 2009's resolution --

--hey pinch yourself, it's NOT anymore a resolution, it's NOT anymore a dream -- you're stepping on the path of the journey now, the journey that you always wanted for years, the journey that bring you close to God.

Congratulations.

Love from Tahan,

Spider

What's your story? - My 1st Gunung Tahan XPDC.

2009-05-13T00:01:00.002+08:00

The moment I realized that I was already missing Gunung Tahan, I secretly made a wish that I'm going to come back here, someday.

To be very frank I whispered a lot in this expedition -- I whispered during trekking, I whispered during the time when I was not singing with the troop, I whispered during the time when I woke up 4:30am in most of the morning and 'ignorantly' and 'stupidly' do things alone in the midst of the jungle..

(I apologize for being stubborn and foolish for putting myself in such a danger of moving alone in the deep darkness..)

... but.. I couldn't explain to you how it was really like that made me keep on whispering. Well if I'm not too exaggerating here, I would say it felt like somebody's listening carefully to you, looking straight into your eye and nodding his/her head when you talk...

I've never felt so close to this 'somebody' before..

Then one fine day I recalled that a big brother of mine left a comment in my blog post titled "Muted in silence", where he said,

"God will always be watching your back.. just continue talking and asking... God will talk back to you in its own mysterious way... but you'll figure it out..."

Yes, I have figured out..

Praise to God Almighty, I visited Gunung Tahan with a brand new me. When the meaning of a reborn is so significance, the trails and paths in the jungle of the mountain range somehow became symbolic, and I felt Him walk by me, all the time, in Tahan..

*******************************************************

-- The day when I was on my rushing pace -- together with Daus, Coco and Amie -- moving toward the campsite on Botak, few kms before the peak of Gunung Tahan, the scenery took my breath away;

-- The day when 18 of us heading to Kem Gedong via the winding road on the backbone of Tahan mountain range, the splendour of the view made me officially falling in love..;

-- The day when we stood on the peak of Gunung Tahan and the moment when the fog dispersed, I felt a feeling that was used to be described in a poem, somewhere..

... but -- it's not all about the magnificence of the scenery that made people enchanted and keep on coming back here regardless of the toughness and harshness of the trail, I believe..

..it's more about the story, the story that happened between oneself and the mountains.

The moment I realized that I was already missing Gunung Tahan, I secretly made a wish that I'm going to come back here, someday, just because of the story that happened to me while I was in deep inside the heart of the mountains...

..and I've told you mine, what's your story?

When tomorrow turns today..

2009-04-30T23:57:00.001+08:00

Today I found myself pushing my body out from the mushy mud, tomorrow I'll clean myself and stand on firm ground;

Today I saw light at the end of the darkness, tomorrow I see me running towards the light, though it's tiny, but it's true.. ;

Today I was on my bended knee asking for God's forgiveness and permission, tomorrow I see me standing in front of the door, with a handful of love I received..

Today I hugged and kissed my brothers and we broke into tears of joy and love, tomorrow I see me walking with them, to the greatest journey that I'm about to embark..

Today I celebrated a rebirth, tomorrow I'll make my 1st step as a new born, carefully, and fearlessly.

When tomorrow turns today, I'll hold on my strength, and don't stop me from shedding my tears when I receive your love -- It's the tears of joy, and faith.

To my dearest, dearest brothers and sisters.. syukran.

Happy happy happy (re)birthday to me...

2009-04-23T01:44:00.002+08:00

"..You know you are not alone..." she said this after a few seconds of silence, but it sounded so helpless.

Over the phone, he who already got tears flushed in the eye, laughed out loud, "I know I'm not -- of course I'm NOT alone! Hey we've just had fun laughing and dancing together, I enjoyed the company.. Hahaha!!"

Ha.ha..ha..-- an awkward silence ensued before her voice to be heard again in the phone, "..please... talk to us -- let us know what you feel, or we can't help..." she pleaded, "...none of us went through this, we need you to talk to us..."

"I'm fine.. don't worry.." His reply sounded lot emptier than the empty room after the party..

*********************************************

"My left hand is a cat, and my right hand is a touch with healing power.." -- Rebirth, 1st track in "Immortal", Cheer's latest album. He bought this album from a music store, a place he has been eagerly craving for to be in.

He knows the mechanism of sadness and loneliness -- these two elements always look for recognition from outside, through sharing, through talking, through understanding. But when the sharing the talking and the understanding are blocked, it's music store and book store that he would turn to -- where various moods are sold on the rack, various 'recognitions' are packed and sealed, you pick, you pay, and you go.

It's a cheap way of self -healing. Cheap, and superfacial, but somehow, it works.

Like his right hand touching his heart-broken cat on his left hand, the healing works, somehow..

***********************************************************

"The fear makes me shiver with tears in the middle of many sleepless nights, the fear frightens me whenever an sms sent in or a phone call dialed in, the fear that smears so deep into me that it controls all my emotions when I'm alone... -- will you understand all these feelings? Will you understand the dilemma between switching off your phone to cut off from the reality, and let

your phone switched on to make sure you'd still receive calls and sms from friends to remind you that they're still around? Will you understand the pain when any slight sense of loosing hits you out of any tiny reason? Will you understand the pressure to stop tears from spilling when you are alone inside a train, in a meeting, in front of workstation, on a street and even in front of your closest friends? Will you understand the desperation of running away from everything, and leave everything behind?

Will you understand how you realize you love your friends and you don't want them to listen to all these? Will you understand?

..will you?"

.....

No she did not listen to all these. The phone was hung up. The only one who listened, was he himself, and perhaps God -- perhaps, cuz he never knew how to talk to God, though he always desperately wanted to...

********************************************************

Nobody in this world would forget their own birthday, nor ignore it. Hence, counting down to one's own birthday is inevitable.

The album 'Immortal' is a birthday gift for himself, although he knows that's not any greatest and proudest birthday gift -- most probably, the coming birthday wouldn't be the greatest nor the proudest one.

...counting down to this birthday, is like zooming into a fear, a fear of known and more unknowns..

He returned to his empty world after the phone. Feeling sorry about her, and everyone who cares..

"How would we understand if you just keep all those to yourself?" was her last question..

I'm sorry, I just hate to be a looser, I just hate being fragile, I just hate to be pitied, I just hate to be a burden to all I love..

He double clicked Track 1 on his player, flipping through the booklet of 'Immortal', he found a footnote about the album, printed on the last page:

"..to all sorrowful soul.."

He couldn't help but to hold both his hands together.. "...my left hand is a cat, and my right hand is a touch with healing power..." Cheer sang from his player. He fell on his knee...

Re--

2009-04-19T00:08:00.000+08:00

Re-check.

He looks at the mirror, recheck -- there was a weeping sad face 2 a.m. in the morning, where he fell apart upon all the loads and burdens in another sleepless night; and now there's a skinny feature in the mirror, calm and emotionless on the angular face. He doesn't find any sign of strength, but beneath the shadow in the eye there's a determination, he rechecks.

Re-phrase.

".. let me rephrase, sir..." he hopes he'd been putting it correctly in his 1st statement, "I'm stuck in between two doors -- I need to close one door in order to enter the other; both doors just can't connect and make this whole world one room..." he rephrases.

Re-ceive.

I receive guidance I receive love, I receive signals I receive strength;

I receive warnings I receive hatred, I receive bad-news I receive fear..

Re-member.

"No worthwhile move comes without sacrifices, and greater sacrifices needs greater strength, with stronger faith.." trying to remember how he was moved by this statement which came from a wiseman he met, he remembers another line from another mysterious man who came to him in one fine afternoon,

".. brother, keep this name -- it means faith, and it means fearless -- that's you name, my brother, that's your name.."

Re-tard.

He looks at the mirror, recheck -- there's no more weeping sad face but a skinny feature with shadow in his eye. Almost 2 in the morning, he's alone in the mirror, and the mirror reflects also the loneliness of his world. He then realizes that his life is retarded already -- it is empty now.

Promise to run for..

2009-04-09T13:27:00.002+08:00

"Do you know what I like most about mountain hiking?"

"What?"

"Every step you make, you are one step closer to the peak...." I looked up and turned to Fatma, gave her a smile..

"NO!!!" Fatma disagreed, "..Every step you make, you are one step FURTHER away from where you started off, " she protested, "...AND ONE STEP FURTHER away from where you need to return to!!!"

I looked at her. Said nothing, hopped a few steps up then turned to her, "C'mon Fatma. We're almost there..."

**********************************************************

Out of frustration towards the organizer, Daus, Wan and I decided to quit the race. And that triggered the disappointment from the rest of the KOMA racers. Huda came to me and pleaded, "Look, you guys don't have to do that -- quitting the race is not going to solve anything... "

I looked at her and the rest of the ladies team. Our Ms Sunshine Fatma had been so quiet since just now, Nurin and Uyun did not cover their disappointment towards three of us. And Farid our team manager -- I know he's pissed off.

"Ke garisan.." The Men's Open racers were about the be flagged off. Ijol, Coco and Zahir were behind the flag-off line..

"C'mon Man, sempat lagi nih..." Huda pleaded. I muted.

"... if the rest of the KOMA members were here, they must be very disappointed with you guys.." Huda left me alone with her last sta

tement.

"GO!!" Followed by the thunderous roar of Men's Open racers stepping on the mountain after flagging off.

..and I was still sitting beside, in my hand was my bip number for a Men's Open category, pondering Huda's words.

**********************************************************

I met Coco at near-peak of Gunung Datuk where he was about to shoot down to the finishing line. Snapped a picture of him then I quickly passed him my water bottle -- this guy had been so confident and he'd never considered of bringing water for the race -- and look at how quickly he finished my water, I knew he's just drained out by his own arrogance.

I need to shoot back to check out those who were still behind.

PapaJai said, "A true Mohawk is the one who leads in front, and also the one who will run to the last person in the troop, and making sure everyone in the troop is taken care of.." -- and I'm still learning.

Way up: Fatma -- checked; Huda -- checked; Uyun -- checked; Nurin -- checked; Zahir -- found him sitting aside resting, but checked; Ijol -- steady, checked; Coco -- checked;

Way down: Ijol -- still steady, checked; Huda -- She's building her speed, checked; Uyun -- I was expecting to see Nurin, checked; Zahir -- found him sitting aside resting again, checked; Nurin -- found her in pale, but catching up her breath, checked;

Fatma -- not checked.

I just had to run faster to look for Fatma -- Zahir and Fatma were considered as rookies in racing while Coco, Ijol, Huda, Uyun and Nurin were relatively more experienced in racing. And YES, my biggest worry was Fatma -- NOT because I didn't trust her stamina, but because she said something that really annoyed me before the race.

She said,"Well, I'll try -- but most likely I'll turn back before the peak kuut..."

Well Fatma, this is not going to happen, I promise.

**********************************************************

I made a promise before. I remember.

There's one day when PapaJai the KOMA Otai sat in front of me and told me about his hope of seeing a true Mohawk in me, I nodded;

There's one day I ran all the way down from a peak of a mountain and left all the troopers behind and being scolded by some disappointed faces after that, I nodded;

Right after the flag off of Men's Open category, the Men's Teen category's racers were all set to be flagged off, it will be followed by Ladies' Open. I looked at Huda, Nurin, Uyun, Fatma and Farid. Same disappointed faces.

I nodded.

"Farid, give me the camera --" I turned to Farid, then to the girls, "aku teman diorng naik."

**********************************************************

"FATMA!!!"

It was indeed such a great relieved to finally meet our Ms Little Sunshine, making her step hard upward..

"You're not thinking of turning back right?" I approached her.

'Seriously, yes for a few times already.." She looked surprised s

eeing me, I guess -- or it was just plain a face expression of regrets.

"Let's go, we get to the peak together."

******************************************************

4 of April, 2009. The troop of KOMA arrived Negeri Sembilan's Gunung Datok to take part in the "N9 Sirkit Gunung Challenge" where the participants are required to race on 3 mountains in 3 months (Gunung Datok @ 4 April; Gunung Tampin @ 16 May; Gunung Angsi @ 27 June) in order to complete the circuit.

The KOMA racing cast consisted of Daus, Wan, Ijol, Coco, Zahir, me myself, Nurin, Huda, Uyun and Fatma; Shah Farid as our team manager -- and hey, it was the biggest racing team from KOMA after the ever-happening The 6th Perak Iron-bound back in January this year, and with the debut of our very eye-catching KOMA Tee, it was SUPPOSED to be another exciting adventure race for KOMA but, I just have to say this, the lame organizer insisted on 'flirting' their VIP with all the non-sense 'protocol' that triggered frustrations among the racers.

Nevertheless, we're still hyped up by our debutants like Fatma and Zahir who join

ed a race for their very 1st time; Farid made his debut as our Team Manager (Wa respect sama lu brader!!); and Nurin grabbed the 10th placing in Women's Open category!

We thank those who supported, logistically and morally; and we apologize to those who got disappointed, heartiestly and sincerely.

*******************************************************************

Ps.. Yes Fatma, every step we make, we are one step further to where we started off -- but who cares? Being adventurous is all about getting out of our comfort zone, right? Congratulation girl, you made it! And to Zahir our new geng, welcome to KOMA!

The hum of a lonely soldier..

2009-03-29T17:38:00.000+08:00

Life is too hard to become good.. I'm too weak to become strong..

Sometime we thought we cried because we can't love,

but the fact is .. we cried because we loved;

Sometime we thought we don't deserve the despair right now because we've fought,

but the fact is .. it's the despair that made us fight, till right now..

Life's too hard to be good.. I wish I'll be tougher to stand strong..

Battle on, soldier..

-- 29 March, 2009..

D'River Cafe, River Front KB..

among one huge group of Muay Thai fighters, gather here for International Muay Thai Challenge.

less.on me -- Sg. Pisang camping trip

2009-03-20T01:22:00.000+08:00

I splashed some water on the big-enough-to-cover-5-tents flysheet, crawled onto it and started
cleaning off the dirt. My neighbours peeped on me from their window. I know I looked stupid doing this crawling-on-a-sheet stuff under such a big sun.

I still have my buff on my head -- yup, the one I wore during my stay in the jungle of Sg Pisanarea. Just came back from the 2-day-1-night camping, a rather light 'KOMA' outing, but definitely not light in its significance.

..and it was the strong feeling that pulled me straight to this house-keeping tasks, even not a seconds of rest after I reached home from Sg. Pisang.

A kid of neighbourhood came nearby me and looked at what I was doing. He was wearing a Spider-man T-shirt, and in his hand was a 'Spidey' weapon. Yeah adik Spiderman, I know I'm occupying your playground now -- please bear with me -- and BTW, it's 3 pm, still early for play-time.

The big warm sun over my head reminded me of the storm and heavy rain pour during our stay in Sg Pisang a night before. 8 of us hided under this big fly-sheet, with our ground-sheet was all-overly wet, plus my LAFUMA tent got soaked with heavy down pour, and flooded inside.

Ground sheet is a lil bit tricky to get it cleaned. I needed a rag to wipe off the dirts. Some details needed to be taken care of. The kid was still looking at me. "Besarnyerrr.." I heard he whispered. I smirked. Yer dik, besar dan berat. It's huge, and heavy.

I just realized a shameful fact about myself for being a mountain hiker -- I've never looked seriously at the importance of fly sheet nor ground sheet, and I've never cared enough to carried these sheets up to a mountain or entered a campsite -- all until this trip to Sg. Pisang. What a shame.

..and realizing this shameful fact made me remembered some names in KOMA -- PapaJai, Fariz Angah, Zana and Amir -- They are the true backbones of KOMA, the real spines of every adventure outings, and in contrast, I'm just a playful kid who only look for fun out there.

I'm just like the kid watching me doing all the dirty works but knows nothing, except waiting eagerly for his playground to be cleared...

It's time to grow up, and to bear some responsibilities -- this message stroke me when PapaJai expressed his hope on me in the Sg. Pisang jungle. "Being the strongest doesn't mean being the fastest to reach the puncak.. A true 'Mohawk' doesn't only stay in front.."

'Mohawk', is another term for Run-Leader. He leads a troop together with Sweeper and Back-Marker. PapaJai introduced the 'drop-off' system for hiking -- the convoy system designed for bike riders originally, "a true 'Mohawk' shares his energy throughout the troop, and holds the right attitude for the troop -- you have the strength, Man, and we now need your attitude.."

Attitude.

I hope this is not too late for being a more responsible me -- responsible to my hiking hobby, responsible to my promises, responsible to my friends, and responsible to my troop.

I stood up. Smiled to the kid. The warm sunlight shone on his face, and obviously he was excited to think that I was going to clear up his playground. I smiled again -- Hey adik, I still have my LAFUMA and my sleeping bag to be washed, and I'm going to leave the sheets HERE on your play ground before it's totally dry -- and hey, your play time is 5, right?

I rubbed his head before I left him, caught a glance at his T-shirt again. Spider-man. Hmmm... I smiled.

"With great power comes great responsibility.." -- I was speechless but shook my head with smirk, cuz all of a sudden I kinda saw PapaJai standing in front of me, wearing the Spider-man T-shirt, sengih.

..and in his hand, there's a lesson to me.

back to basic..

2009-03-10T09:19:00.001+08:00

Pathetic enough, sometime we just need assurance and reassurance from somebody else, to tell us that we are doing fine for being ourselves.

Our world crumbles and we groan and moan when people around us fail to give us any assurance. And sometime we lost faith to friendship, to family-hood, to kinship, to brotherhood, to loveship and all good things in life when we thought those who supposed to understand don't understand us.

..but hey, how well deserved are we to ask for full understanding from somebody else, and more, to receive assurance and reassurance on our own life's value?

Things hit me lately and it made me ponder. And when I started to get unsure about all I believed in, an old 'K-I-V' message from a stranger reassured me.

The message is an offer. One of my photo in Prague of Czech Rep. was chosen to be included into an online travel guide. I don't consider this as an achievement but it's an assurance to me at this point of time -- an assurance that at least help to revive my confidence, at the point of time when I'm feeling I'm the biggest looser in this world.

Feel free to got to these links to view the travel guide:
Golden Lane
www.schmap.com/prague/sights_malstrana/p=160527/i=160527_38.jpg

On iPhone/ iPod touch:
Golden Lane
www.schmap.com/?m=iphone#uid=prague&sid=sights_malstrana&p=160527& i=160527_38

Blog widget (shown on my panel):
www.schmap.com/guidewidgets/p=14355408N00/c=SJ1911811

ps.."Back to basic" is something keep on flashing in my head lately, and together with the phrase, I have a strange vision seeing each of everybody is actually a planet in this universe -- I know, weird, as the rest of my illogic visions -- and I'm not going to talk about it here. My point is, the basic of our pursuit of happiness is all about feel good about what we're doing, minus the outsider factors.

Like a planet shines because of the life's growing in it and all the buzz and fuzz happening on it -- not about how its orbit cross cut the others in the universe, not really.

How about individual?

2009-02-25T07:20:00.004+08:00

15 February, 2009. Milo-Power-MSSMKL-POAWPKL Lake Garden Cross Country Run. Koma Runners team 'Run, Koma Run' 1st ever individual race.

I was worried. As a beginner, I trust the power of 'team motivation' so much, and realy couldn't imagine how I have to race against my buddies.

Being involved in many (many many) running events, Daus seemed composed as he also be, and indifferent toward runnig individually. Wan and Adam, by the way, have diffrent says on individual race, but both led to one same conclusion.
Wan said,"I feel relax to think of running on my own pace.." he thinks he's going to enjoy the run without peer-pressure;
while Adam, feeling worried about his leg's condition, claimed in relief, "I feel no-guilty if my leg has to slow me down.." he thinks he's going to take his time struggling with his condition, without holding back the rest of us.

-- well, it seemed like I was the only one who was worried like a kindergarten school kid entering classroom for his first time. And whatever it is, flag-off there was, and almost 400 runners in Men's Open category rushed for the next 8km in Lake Garden.

I still could recall the moment just before the flag-off, Wan, at his usual optimistic and high-spirited tone, announcing something about our ultimate target for this race: The finisher medal.

"Hey you know what? Only FIRST 100 finishers will receive the finisher medal," and he added, "well you guys just go ahead....Hehehe.."

Now, again, the scenario's back to 'individual'. wan was obviously quiting from the hunt for the Top-100 Finisher Medals -- in fact, he managed to switched his new target to 'Finish the 8km within 1 hour"; while Adam was still worried about his leg's condition, at the same time announcing that he'll be following me (that's creepy..); and Daus, according to his blog after the race, he was mentally disturbed by the limited finisher medals; and me? I looked down to my left back-hand, where 5 disordered letters written on: 'f' - 'o' - 'c' - 'u' - 's'.

--- but I seriously did not know what to focus on right then.

The 8km distance covers more than 3 uphills and a little part of crossing a forest in the midst of KL (that made the race qualified as a 'cross-country' race I guess..) -- And most of the time I was running with my buddy Daus. OK, fair enough, individual race, my pace setting, my breathing, my mental, my focus -- all elements during a run -- were all on myself, but I still choose to keep my pace up with Daus'. Hey it's always good to have someone to run with, at least a standard for me to recheck my own run, right?

I thank Daus for the moral support and the talking PLUS the 'on-the-run' jokes whenever we ran side by side. I lost him everytime we approached an uphill portions but soon enough he caught me up again, then he continued his talking and jokes. I think he became part of the reason for me to start chill out during the run.

***************************************************

OK I quit using my usual dramatic tone in writing this post if you noticed. Recalling this race somehow reminds me a very leisure and relax afternoon, perhaps having a cup of coffee with good friends. Probably it was the smooth and good feeling that smear.

The race in Lake Gardem, my 1st individual race, ends up become my best running race so far. It was not due to the 'me running individual' factor, instead, it's about 'many individuals running together; and running for our OWN target.

I finished the race at 59th, Daus at 69th. Wan managed to finish his run within 1 hour, and Adam had to slow down his pace to really deal with his not-so-good leg condition.

We thank Ijoi and Nurin for coming with us and helped out here and there. It's always good to know that there's somebody waiting at the finishing line when you are on the run -- like always. :)

Oh yeah before I end, 'Run, Koma Run' has a new member: Adam 'Charming' Naughty.Thank you for joining bro -- dah cukup quota dah utk lari relay empat orang.. hehehe!

muted in silence.. (I would say..)

2009-02-14T18:15:00.003+08:00

Hold on, hold on -- You sure you are going to tell them all?

It has been left.. untold.. for such a long time...

Yes. I'm going to reveal it -- not all of it, but most of it --but it's still up to them to pick it up.

Hmmm... so.. which one are you going to start with?

Hmm.. start from recent, shall we?

It's up to you....

OK.. let's start.. I would say "I'm sorry. The joke was on purpose. I wanna see how you care about me, as I don't trust myself was being really cared about by you... I was just being unsecured, and less-confident... please forgive me.."

To who?

To a text message that said "It's not funny n u shud know wen 2 stop dat stupid joke"....

Why did you leave it untold?

...cuz it sounds like a looser.

Well, indeed. And that's a lousy start. What's next?

I would say "I'm not fine, not at all. I'm struggling with my past and I keep on loosing; I hate myself for being indecisive, and being a big looser in standing up for what I really want for myself....."

Sounds fuzzy.. and this is to ..?

To a bunch of good friends who witnessed how I crumbled and fell apart into fragments..

..you should just let them know how you feel -- that's good friends for.

It was untold -- cuz it sounds like a promise, and I don't want to promise something that I can't even promise myself....

Hmmm.... next.

I would say "Please help me to lock my courage and my strength and my optimistic vision that I gained every morning, let me have all of them until mid day, until night; let these hopes guide me in making the decision, and taking the ultimate move.."

OK -- now this is fuzzier and confusing.. to whom you wish to reveal this to..?

To God.

Why didn't you just tell then?

..cuz I'd never know whether he's listening...

Don't cry.

No, I'm not.

You bet. Ok go on -- what's next?

I would say "Don't worry.. Nothing will change, I promise; My love to you, my devotion to you -- all will stay the same like before.. I promise.."

To..?

My family..

Then why you'd never said it?

Cuz it's painful.

Don't cry.

Hey stupid I'm not.

Fine. Next.

..............

Ting Tong.. Anybody home?

We'd better stop here. *sign out*

*sign out*

On my bended knees

2009-02-04T00:45:00.000+08:00

I'm on my bended knees, thanking, and praying for the bridge to come....

I wish I could see how it built, so that I could stack some bricks. Across the strait, I see my dearest brothers and sisters waving -- my dear whom they could always make me calm from fears, my dear whom they could always make me calm in tears..

I wish I could see how it built, so that I could prepare myself for the day to come. The Azan calls from the west bank, I'm standing east. The sun rises and my shadow is already there.

I wish I could see how it built, I wish I could see how it built; cuz I see my path laid out after the bridge, cuz I see the little town of my life lit up with every lights, across the strait.

I'm on my bended knees, thanking -- to my brothers and sisters who help me to see, to listen, to perceive, and to pray...

I'm on my bended knees, listening to the fear of letting them down, wishing for a strength to raise myself up,

I'm on my bended knees, praying, for the bridge to come....

~~ to all my best friends ~~

Hey now-now | we're going down-down -- the 6th Perak Iron Bound-bound

2009-01-28T22:24:00.002+08:00

How to define a moment of NOW? Like putting yourself in the middle of a muddy pool, you feel that you ARE sinking -- that's NOW.

18 January of 2009 marked the 1st adventure race for KOMA teams in year 2009, and also the 1st adventure race for Hasfuan 'Alamak, KOMA!'.

Days before the race I saw a committed him because he bought all the gears, all brand new, and ready to rock; early in the morning of the race day I saw a nervous him because he went to toilet for the n-th time before the warming up session.

**************************************************************

The 6th Perak Ironbound was the 1st Ironbound race for Aiman 'Alamak, KOMA!', thought it was not his 1st adventure race but being a clumsy him, everything is always like a brand new rocket for him to handle.

Days before the race he had to accept the fact of getting a new partner for the race and that made him even clumsier as he had to act like he's VERY familiar with handling this rocket compare to the relative newbies he'd partner with; early in the morning of the race day I was asked to lead the warming up session, and again he had to act like he's VERY professional in doing that, while holding himself for getting more clumsier.

**************************************************************

"What's our target, man?" Hasfuan asked his partner. I saw, again, in his eye, firing spirit.
"Ermmm.. tak tau lah... try our best jer lah..." We'll just try our very best -- that's the response that came back to Hasfuan. I hoped that less-spirited answer wouldn't put off Hasfuan's fire.

..and he proved that he's still standing firmly with his high spirit, because just after the flag-off, Hasfuan asked the same question again, but this time with a demand.

"Kite target top 15, boleh?" Let's aim for the top 15. He looked at his partner while running with the front group of the racers.

**************************************************************

Aiman was not only clumsy, but he's equally, if not more, nervous than his 'freshy' partner, and even worse, he had a less-motivated kick-start of the race.

He did not answer directly to his partner's question about their team's target, because he had no idea at all at what competitive level he and his teammate were at; what he only knew was, he was totally overwhelmed by psychology strategy that played by other teams including the team formed by his initial race partner, whom he knows is a great athlete and racer.

When the racers were flagged off. He calmed himself down by letting his partner to lead the pace, until his partner turn around and asked him again the question about their team's target.

"Kite target top 15, boleh?"

He smiled, and realized he just need to focus on the race, with this charming freshie partner in front of him.

"Boleh. Tapi aku rase nak buat Top 10 beb, boleh?" He finally answered with a smile, and feeling good about his Top 10 stretched target.

The race is NOW. We're going DOWN -- DOWN. Focus, Aiman. He thought to himself, before reaching the rafting portion of the race.

*************************************************************

Hasfuan had problem with rafting -- I mean, all racers had problem with this portion of the race, the portion that ONLY the name indicated 'rafting' but in practice, it was only a portion of soaking themselves in the lake and crossing the lake with the burden of a stack of bamboos.

Hsfuan said something like "I'll settle my business here" when entering the lake, which perhaps meant something like "let's finish this easy job quick here!' to his partner.

Being a comparatively better swimmer in the team, Hasfuan ordered his partner to 'ride' onto the raft while he tried to pull/push the raft to move forward. But obviously they failed, and they had been stagnant in one spot for a quite frustrating period of time, until they found themseves being in the way of another approaching raft.

"Get off from your raft!!" the approaching racers commanded, obviously he was annoyed by this clumsy couple who were struggling with their helpless raft.

Hasfuan and his partner were shocked with the rude way the racer approached them.

************************************************************

Aiman was holding tight to the raft when another raft approached them. He was trying hard to steer their raft to get out of another racers' way, but a little clash happened and a senior racer of the raft commanded him to jump off the raft.

What da --- It was not a pleasant feeling to be ordered in that rude way, but being the one who initiated trouble to the senior racer, Aiman knew he and his teammate needed to give way, and hence he jumped off from the raft ---

--- and almost immediately, he could feel the ground.

"Hey, cetek lah!" he announced the surprising discovery to his partner who was in fact doing the swim-and-push part. He put up a thankful smile to the senior racer. The senior racer waived them off -- no wonder all the rafts moved kinda swift here, now Aiman understood.

But there was one thing he did not understand -- his supposed-to-be-aggressive partner did not react to the blunt remark of the senior racer, but instead acting so cool and calm... and what was that 'I'll do my business here' remark actually meant?

Business??? No way!! His partner JUST doing his 'business' in the lake..... eeeuuuuwwww....owh grosss.....

**************************************************************

Out from the lake, I think Hasfuan used up most of his energy and his high-spirit as he looked tired and started to mumble.

"I need to stop..." He requested;
"Ade batu dalam kasut aku lah..." he complaint about the gravels in his shoe;
"Berat... baju aku basah... berat lah...." he complaint about the weight he was carrying..
"..beg masuk air lah..." .. and the soaked beg he was carrying.

A Singaporean ladies team overtook them. They were also wet from the lake.

***************************************************************

Aiman was tired when out of the lake, but he realized that there's still lot more to go, and he needed to stay firm and stay tough, at least not yet to break down, because he had a rookie partner to give motivate to.

"I need to stop.." his partner requested -- "no, keep on running, catch your breath.." Aiman reminded him;
"Ade batu dalam kasut aku lah.." -- "same lah.. ade batu dalam kasut aku gak.. just feel it, and run.." Aiman did not allow his partner to stop because of the gravels;
"Berat.. baju aku basah... berat lah..." --- "C'mon, keep this pace.." Aiman ignored that common-sense remark from his partner'
"..beg masuk air lah" -- "Meh.. aku bawakan.." Aiman took over his partner's bag.

A Singaporean ladies team overtook them. "Hi~~~~" both Aiman and his partner greeted the ladies.

***************************************************************

Running into the forestry area of Maxwell Hill (Bukit Larut), Hasfuan started to get over his breathing (and mental) problem. I saw a re-energized him running, climbing and hopping in the jungle. The whole jungle portion included some trekking and river scrambling, which you just really need to move like a monkey and still manage to identify the correct path to go ahead by keeping an eye on the yellow-black stripes marker.

The team kept pace with a few front teams where they sorted out the 'where-the-hell-is-the-marker' problems and 'Goddamn-it-this-is-not-the right-way' confusions together. While keeping their own competitive pace moving ahead, the teams spirit kinda shone here -- until the reached the open uphill road again, where the front teams practically disappeared like a 'snap of time' and leaving Hasfuna and his partner behind, together with one never-stop-jogging mixed team and another fast-walking-and-pictures-snapping male team.

They eventually chose to walk 'fast' PLUS jog 'really slow' up on this winding steep open road, inspired by the fast-walking male team and seconded by their own laziness.

****************************************************************

Aiman found himself having problem to push his partner IF he needed some encouragements too to push himself at this moment of time.

What he could really do to not worsen the motivation level of the team was, NOT TO TRANSLATE THE DEMOTIVATING REMARKS THAT GIVEN BY THE UNCLES along the way.

Out of an obvious reason the uncles and aunties they met along the uphill road spoke mandarin to them, with a 'I-salute-you (and your stupidity)' smile by saying something like:

"Shi fen zhong zhi qian yi jing you ren pao xia shan le..." or "hai hen yuuuuuaaaan aa~~~~ aiyo..."

.. which means "There was one team running down hill already about 10 minutes ago.." and "there's still faaaaaaaar awaaaaay ~~ aiyo..."

****************************************************************

How to get Hasfuan lifted up his leg and do that little jogging on this track? His partner just nicely inserted some 'fears' onto him..

"Cube bayangkan --" what if --

"-- tetibe jer Daus and Mega muncul kt belakang kite..." -- out of a nowhere Daus and Mega appeared behind and trying to over take...

... ... ... ...

None of Hasfuan and his partner could smile right after that 'what if'. Obviously, but yet for a less-obvious reason, Daus and Amy of 'Ops, KOMA!' team happened to be the greatest fear for both of them. -- yup, FEAR, not CHALLENGE.

A moment of silence then Hasfuan smiled pathetically and declared, "THAT would be a nightmare for me, beb!"

..and so both of them lifted up their loafing legs and start running ahead.

*****************************************************************

"CP2!!!!!!!!!"

Aiman saw his partner finally smiled after the endless miles of open-road jogging/running/walking/loafing uphill. Seeing CP2 ahead made him so excited and shouted out loud. He ran towards the check point and realizing the ground rules of no more than 100m separation between team members, hence he had to stop and pulled his partner.

Time check at CP2: 10:++ am. The official cut-off time for this CP is actually 12 pm -- meaning they were 2 hours ahead. Great news for their effort. Aiman was so hyped up by the time, and feeling great about his partner.

At the same time he kinda thought of the status of their buddy team, 'Ops, KOMA!', the team that formed by his initial teammate, Daus his buddy.

******************************************************************

The path after CP2 was again jungle and river plus water fall. The 'George-Jungle' running and river scrambling PLUS markers recognizing processes repeated here, but it was down hill this time.

Hasfuan seemed to be very comfortable when going down hill. He was fast and agile -- but not careful enough. I was not sure how many times he held on a thorny plantation and even got stung by thorns, but I salute his fighting spirit, although everytime when he happened to get stung by thorns, the way he screamed and paused his pace was really really really worrying.

*******************************************************************

"Aaaarggghhhhhh~~~~~" for the n-th time his partner screamed out of pain or frustration.

"Again?" Aiman turned around, looked at his stopping partner who stood there and trying to get the thorn out of his flesh.

"You OK?" Aiman did not expect any reply from his partner. From the previous screaming moments like this, he knew that his partner just needed a little time before he proceeded with his Tarzan move.

He himself got thorns and cuts, and fell down for a few times as well -- no doubt, the path they were running on was a new path and there were shrubs everywhere. But it's also a good timing for them to catch their breath.

"Where are the other racers?" While sucking the water from the bladder, he kinda noticed that both of them were the only human being standing in the middle of nowhere.

*******************************************************************

Where are the other racers? Hasfuan was struck by the question thrown, almost randomly, by his teammate. He looked around for the black-yellow marker, and almost immediately, he found one tied on a tree ahead, "Depan." He instructed. Hence both of them move forward, while keeping themselves alert of the marker, for they had been deviated from the right path for quite a few times.

Suddenly they heard bushes shaken behind, somebody tried to overtake them. It was a Sabahan male team, running from behind and the team just needed to give way. One of the Sabahan guy has a striking tattoo on his arm. They overtook them, swiftly ran into the corner ahead.

"Catch up! C'mon.." Hasfuan and his teammate ran into the corner as well, following the Sabahan team. Both teams were running, at almost a same pace, but the Sabahan teams moved swifter in the forest, across the bushes and shrubs.

Very quickly, the Sabahan team disappeared in front of them.

"Damn...." Hasfuan sighed in amused.

*******************************************************************

"Tak paham lah aku!!" Aiman really did not understand, "Macammaner lah diorng blh gerak laju giler? Kite pun lari gak kan?" seeing the over-taking Sabahan team disappeared in front of them, he was really frustrated and amused.

Both he and his teammate really tried to find an answer for it:

"Yeah maybe next time we should wear hand glove, they don't have to worry about the thorns.."
"Yeah and wear long pants as well..."
"......"

Then they heard bushes shaken from behind again. Another overtaking team???!?!! No way. Aiman turned around. He saw the Sabahan male team approaching them.

Huh? Why...?

The team overtook them, for the 2nd time; and swiftly turned in the corner ahead, then disappeared in front of them, for the 2nd time..

"Tak PAHAM lah aku!!!" Aiman got frustrated, for the 2nd time.

*******************************************************************

Despite of the humiliation of being overtaken by one team and THEN overtaken again by the same team after they got deviated and back to the right path, team 'Alamak, KOMA!' reached CP3 and then the abseil point at about 12:++ pm. The official cut-off time for reaching here was actually 3:00 pm, meaning they were 3 hours ahead of the cut-off time -- and Hasfuan was so excited and still high-spirited, and he FINALY was allowed to clean up the gravels in his shoe while waiting for their turn for abseiling.

The cliff was very slippery. When all geared up and all ready, both Hasfuan and his partner made their abseil way down. He had a comparatively smoother start of abseiling when his partner fell at the edge of the cliff and got the his show and fingers clipped in between the abseiling rope and the edge of the cliff.

He proceeded with his abseiling down and leaving his teammate struggle at the edge, until he found himself stuck in the middle.

******************************************************************

Aiman failed to keep the balance when he was about the abseil down and he got his shoe and fingers clipped at the edge of the cliff -- AND THAT's PAINFUL AND.. erm UGLY.

With the help of the marshals, he managed to get out off the embarrassing situation and got himself recomposed, looked down and targeted the touch-down point, sat-back on his harness, took out the camera, found his partner was already down there, then push himself away from the cliff, let off the grip of the rope at his back, abseil~~~~down to where his partner was.

Aiman's partner was actually stuck in the middle of the X-m cliff, and shouted like an annoying baby complaining about something like the belayer did not let him off. Aiman took out his camera and snapped a picture of the baby, then gave a not really useful advice like 'swing your hand away from your body', then abseil on, going down-down.

He still could hear his partner shouting like a baby when he touched down. While the marshals helping him taking off the ropes, he snapped another picture of the baby.

****************************************************************

From the abseiling to CP4 there's an about 2 km open road of running. The team felt good about their time and did not really want to waste it. They ran all the way to CP4 -- the check point that required the racers to complete 3 tasks: orienteering, kayaking and a mysterious test in Taiping Zoo.

Being a former participant in an orienteering race, Hasfuan was counted for the 1st task of team 'Alamak, KOMA!'. 13 points to be collected, and they were all scattered within a radius of your-bloody-hell-long-distance. Miss to collect 1 point will bring a 5-minutes time penalty. I still remember the 2 warnings that Hasfuan's teammate gave him prior to the task:

1. "Wan, aku fail nih bab orienteering nih.."
2. "Wan, kalu kite tak buat terus orienteering nih, time penalty 1 hour 5 minutes jer, untung lagi.."

..and Hasfuan's response was the typical passionate and high-spirited one:

1. "OK, InsyaAllah, aku boleh.."
2. "Why? Kite buat jer lah.. complete-kan jer lah..!"

*************************************************************

"..aku fail nih bab orienteering nih.." I fail totally in orienteering -- that's the very frank confession Aiman made to his partner before the race -- throughout all the race disciplines, the orienteering task was a most disastrous nightmare for Aiman. Being the BIGGEST LOOSER in sense of direction, he put no hopes on carrying out the task but to count on his partner.

..anyhow, they had a less convincing start for their orienteering task. They FAILED to oriented themselves to find the starting point for orienteering (how about that?). Realizing his main pilot was not anymore in a good mental condition, Aiman suggested to skip the task for the sake of time- and effort- saving.

"Why? Kite buat jer lah.." His partner did not see how the strategy of 'skip-and-earn' works, and insisted to go on with the task.

Well.. it's your call. Aiman had to agree with his partner's passion, had to agree that being a rookie like him in adventure race, it's always more important to try every task rather than try to win...

..but soon enough, Aiman had to agree that he should've insisted on his strategy of skipping the whole orienteering task, as he saw a mental broke-down pilot not knowing anymore how to navigate (and even drive) the flight, and a mouthful of unpleasant words came out from his mouth.

************************************************************

Hasfuan and team quitted the dreadful orienteering tasks with only 5 out of 13 points collected. They spent 1 hour and 30 minutes running like fools and on top of that, another 40 minutes of time penalty.

Hell shit.

************************************************************

Aiman knew his team was not anymore holding the ticket to the top ten when he saw Zana and Fariz of team 'Fuiyo, KOMA!'. In fact, both 'Alamak, KOMA!' and 'Fuiyo, KOMA!' did the kayak task together, and was even left behind by team 'Fuiyo, KOMA!' in that 3 rounds of kayaking.

His teammate's mental consistency was totally OUT at this moment of time -- many more unpleasant words came out from his mouth, PLUS some actions that really showed his frustration -- like the one trying to hit the suggested 'long stroke' that almost caused the kayak capsized...

**************************************************************

Zoo's mysterious test was easy. The team had to remember at least 3 scientific names of 4 animals inside the zoo. Being a two-men team, it's pretty obvious that each of them would memorize 2 scientific names, then head to zoo center to submit their answers.

Hasfuan was very good in memorizing that 2 scientific names with a mouthful of alphabets, provided he was left undisturbed.

**************************************************************

Done memorizing the scientific names of a Kijang and a Landak, Aiman was clueless where to run to next as his partner was the one holding all the directions.

"Hey, where's next?" While following his running partner, Aiman tried to verify the direction, "Buddy, maner nk per---"

"JANGAN CAKAP DGN AKU!!! ---- " Aiman was stunt, his partner's reaction was almost instants, "--- I'M MEMORIZING!! ---"

Yeah so do I. Duh? Aiman saw his neurotic partner turned around, went back to the mysterious counter and read back the scientific names of his animals.

Raising his eyebrow, Aiman smiled. His funny and lovely partner just made the scientific names of Kijang and Landak messed up.

************************************************************

Done the mysterious test meaning there's the last CP to check in for the team. I saw Hasfuan's ability of navigating regained and his mental recomposed AFTER done with his little business in toilet of Taiping Zoo. Well, being 'the King of Toilet' of KOMA's racing team -- fair enough.

CP5 located back in the lake garden where they performed they orienteering. Being a consistent looser of sense of direction, his partner really took the advice of Hasfuan and not running back to the garden using the route they came from. Hasfuan showed the team a simpler and much much shorter route to get to CP5.

The final task in CP5 requires the racers to cross the lake by walking on a 'floating bamboo track'. Both Hasfuan and his teammate managed to get it done without anybody falling off from the track -- good enough for the condition of he 'floating bamboo' which were NOT floating at all.

*************************************************************

Before leaving CP5, Aiman heard Fariz and Zana cheered on them. The team 'Fuiyo, KOMA!' was still there to finish their orienteering task after the kayak. He has full confidence on 'Fuiyo, KOMA!' as Fariz and Zana formed a steady combination for the race. He started to think of 'Amboi, KOMA!' -- the only ladies team under the flag of KOMA -- where are the girls? How did they do? He believes Amie could cope with all the huff-and-puff of the race but how about her rookie teammate, Uyun?

Heading to the finishing line, Aiman was feeling great and proud of his teammate. But at the same time he was still wondering about the status of another men team of KOMA, "Ops, KOMA!", in fact, he was worrying about his buddy, Daus. He hadn't seen them since the flag-off of the race..

Where are they? Where's Daus? Pondering about the same wonder, they reached the finishing line.

**************************************************************

How to define a moment of NOW?

Daus was the first to jump onto Aiman and gave him a great hug; Kak Yus, Kak Lina and Ayin cheered; Aiman tapped Hasfuan's shoulder -- At the finishing line, that's 'NOW' -- a moment where all the huff-and-puff, muscle pain and mental torture finally paid off;

How to define a moment of NOW?

Hasfuan bore with the disappointment of wasting more than 2 hours in the orienteering task; Aiman bore with the disappointment of not being able to be in Top 10; Daus bore with his disappointment of not able to finish the race; Zana and Fariz bore with the disappointment of the improper race arrangement that made them failed to complete the race -- At the moment of disappointment, that's 'NOW' -- a moment where we just have to stay firm with what we believe and what we proud of, despite all the frustration we received from a race, and life.

How to define a moment of NOW?

Like putting yourself in the middle of a muddy pool, you feel that you ARE sinking; like abseil from a vertical cliff, you feel that you are going down; like your shoe's full of gravels and little rocks, and you feel the pain and annoyance while running --- and after all, we still feel enthusiastic when somebody come to you and say "Till the next race" -- The passion, the enthusiasm -- That's what being 'NOW'.

*************************************************************

ps.. Do come back to this post more often as more picture will be uploaded soon.

pss.. more story morry in

1) Adam's blog -- the one of T.A.C. team won the Charing Team Award -- argh, whatever.. :)

2) Kak Yus' blog -- the biggest fan and biggest supporter of KOMA teams.. in fact, the teams manager of KOMA teams, opps..

3) Dr. Hisham's blog -- the racer who really can overtake all the KOMA racers by only WALKING.. argh~~~

From someone who can fly..

2009-01-20T13:02:00.002+08:00

I always enjoy the view from top -- it is thorough enough, clear enough and wide enough, but it is never zoomed in enough. Like a running event, what do you see from a running event? I saw how people channel their passion along the running course; but what would you see in a runner of a running event? Never.

Well.. let me tell you more..

Lots of thing caught my attention me in KLAVA Open Back To Nature Relay 2009.

First thing first, the word 'KLAVA' itself. 'KLAVA' -- Kuala Lumpur Association of Veteran Athletes -- yup, VETERAN, of age of 40 and above, they were the organizers and the coordinators and the marshals and, okay, the runners for the event. (But of course, the running event itself is NOT only for veteran..); then, a young chubby boy finished his run of 3.9km and hugged his daddy where everybody cheered and claped..; then the ladies who actually put their feet into the race and enjoyed themselves out of an 'Are you crazy??!!' common-sense..; then the whole healthy atmosphere with all the healthy people gathered around for a healthy cause, in this scenic and beautiful Taman Metropolitan Batu;

...then... this special team.

I shall recall how I was actually attracted by this team:

-- first of all they wear the same striking blue Nike shirt and same running short, and it was a lil' bit 'overdressed' for such an event but, well, it's still up to them, I guess.

-- Secondly, the way they behaved. OK OBVIOUSLY they are not STUDENTS anymore but they behaved just like they are -- but what really confused me was, there's a lady who accompanied them, and she's really like a teacher.. So I guess this blue team was from an institute, if not a college.

-- Thirdly, they were fresh -- I mean new in the running tournaments happening around recently..

..so I decided to track them down. Start from their 1st runner. Let's call him White Shoe as he's wearing a white Nike with blue lining -- Nike again??!!

Runners off and I saw him keeping pace with the front group of racers -- but definitely that was not his own pace, well, the effort was there.. but I don't think it was a wise strategy -- and that move kind of revealed his 'immaturity' in running event.

..sooner after about 1km of running with the front group, he found his own pace and got his breathing in control, but I chuckled to see him fumbled with his condition -- racers kept on overtaking him while he was also running. That was actually a great mental challenge. Poor him! But I shall see how he deal with this -- the greatest challenge in long distance running is in fact dealing with your own will, pal! Run, White Shoe, run!

The final 2 km of his 3.9km run White Shoe was chased after by a UiTM racer but the racer became White Shoe's drive to keep on pushing himself. I was actually hoping that he could look beyond to overtake the racers 500m in front of him, rather than only keeping himself stay ahead of the UiTM runner. But, never he sprinted or even tried, he reached the finishing line at 16 minute and 42 sec, passing the baton to the next runner of his team.

The 2nd runner is a reserved type of runner, I guess, because he never showed the 'iklan Colgate' giggly big smile as his another 2 teammates do. He wore a pair of striking blue Adidas, so let's call him 'Blue Shoe'.

I actually missed the set off of his run but I think Blue Shoe could run faster than White Shoe as he has a typical sprinter's running behavior. People always see 2nd leg in a relay would have the privilege of chilled-out compare to the 1st leg and last leg -- but that's only a myth. I believe Blue Shoe struggled through his mental hardship when seeing the other 2nd runners were waaay ahead of him.

While waited patiently for Blue Shoe's time-in, the 'teacher' was kinda surprised to see the last leg (3rd runner) of the 1st and 2nd teams were actually set off for their victory run. Yup, teacher, that's the standard, okay?!?! I almost laughed out loud to see the teacher's shocking face expression -- and again, it revealed the 'not-so-experienced' fact of the team -- freshy they are, I started to get convinced.

Blue Shoe timed himself in for running 17 minutes and 19 sec.. a lil bit longer he took but what really impressed me was he sprinted for his final 500m -- a totally different approach compare to White Shoe. As I said earlier, Blue Shoe could be a good sprinter.

Then the baton passed to the final leg, the third runner of the team. I know most (almost all) relay teams will arrange their strategy in such a way that the best runner would run for the final leg. So I supposed Black Shoe -- OK, very well, a Black Nike (agaain??!!) -- is the ultimate runner in this team.

..and not coming to my surprise at all, he really is.

The pace, the breathing, the mental strength and the approach to his run-- I don't really think this 3.9km brought any problem to him. What really triggered my curiosity was, he did not seem to be running all out as well.

Whatever it is, it was really exciting to see him overtook a few racers, even one right before the finishing line. Black Shoe finished his run by only using 15 minutes and 10 sec, making it the official lapse time for the team 49 minutes and 11 sec, ranked 12th out of 33 teams in Men's Open Category.

Good placing? Good time? Good effort? Good trial? As I said, this team was really interesting as I couldn't get any answers from their post-run reaction, even not from their 'teacher' -- They played around among them like fools after the race as if they did not care at all their 'not-so-good' ranking for the race, but if they DID NOT CARE at all about this race, what happened to the effort that made them put on the same striking Nike running shirts and shorts? So if they really cared then why there was no the ultimate 'all-out' moments from them that inspired me? If they chose to reserve their run then what happened to the disappointments I saw on their face?

.. and.. what's the team's name? "Run, Koma Run"? What's that? They want to run or they want to comma, and passed-out?

Hmmm...

...see that?

Like I said, the view from top is always thorough enough, clear enough and wide enough, but it is never zoomed in enough. what do you see from a running event? I saw how people channel their passion along the running course; and what would you see in a runner of a running event? Never. We would never see what's inside them, we would never know what are they thinking while running -- but we know there's a drive -- a drive that make them lift up their leg and make another step forward, and forward, and forward; A drive, like the chubby boy ran for his father; A drive that could be out of a sense of achievement, out of pure self-tortured pleasures, out of a stupid passion, a drive that could also be out of friendship, out of brotherhood, out of a common belief of life that are shared.

..Perhaps it's the drive, that make them fly one day, and enjoy the borderless view from top..

From,
Someone who can fly

Race course = Race + Course

2008-12-28T10:09:00.006+08:00

Race:
1st 10 km. Starting point from Pantai Murni to Titi Hayun.

Course:

"Check your pace, at your own speed." He recalled coach Firdaus' advice;
"Look at how you run during the last futsal game -- If there's somebody who's not as energetic as you but run like you, he'll probably die! -- My point is, channel your energy wisely. " He knows CK might be a little bit exaggerating, but point taken;
"Don't get influent by other runners -- it's just the starting point of the damn 44.7km.." Zana his teammate reminded him, while both of them running side by side, 70m away from their other 2 teammates: Daus and Wan.

Race:
5 km after first 10 km. From Titi Hayun, hike up 1000++ steps of 'staircases', shoot straight to the 15-km-check-point, the peak of the Mount Jerai at 1200++ m above sea level.

Course:

"OK -- now, take your own step.." He doesn't think that he did actually fully get what Daus was trying to say when the team reached in front of the thousand steps of Mt. Jerai. He just shot up, abandoning his teammates behind;
"I need to make sure I still have the energy when I come to the foot of Mt. Jerai. I believe I will be mentally refreshed when hiking up a mountain and running in a forest, and I don't want to waste that moment just becaue I don't have enough stamina anymore to perform in the mountain and the forest.." All in his mind was thinking of the conversation he had with someone very important, when they were talking about the worries he had for the race.

Race:

15 km check point, peak of Jerai.

Course:

"You just SHOULDN'T leave your teammates behind!!" A senior racer from another team pointed at his face and commented. He felt annoyed, but seeing his teammates finally arrived at the check point after 40 minutes wait, he understood that he could just ignore comment.

..but he's still annoyed.
Race:
From the 15th km to the 27th km, from peak to the foot of Mt. Jerai. Downhill, he ran side by side with Wan. Zana the only lady teammate was having muscle pain at her limb, plus her 'not having eaten enough for breakfast' problem, she was slowed down. Daus was with her.

Course:

"Take good care of your knee." That was the sms sent by Lina a night before the race. He sort of remembered that sms when he realized that going downhill, plus the tiredness factor, he's actually putting great pressure onto his knee. He's in pain, and really really really wanted to stop by and have a break.
"You can slow down, but NEVER EVER you stop." The lesson learnt from his last race in Genting Trailblazer was like a pinch for him. He's in pain, but he did not want to stop, like he did not want to repeat what he got from that Genting Trailblazer race.

Race:
The 27 km check point, foot of Mt. Jerai. Came to his surprise, he saw Kak Yus, Huda, Nurin and Amie -- the supporters group of their team was waiting for them at the check point. Wan and himself felt so relieved to see them. Both of them decided to stop and waited for Zana and Daus, while being fed by the supporters team with Kit-Kat and all sort of moral supports.

Course:

"You stopped, and you sat down.." Coach Firdaus paused, before he made a strong remark of dissatisfaction, "sitting down in the middle of a race is a HUGE MISTAKE for a runner, and how could you?" Coach Firdaus commented sternly, during a after-race postmortem session.

Race:
The 27th km to 37th km. The 10 km rocky trail was covered under the sun of 1 pm to 3 pm, in the middle of the open padi field. The Aiyo, Koma! team started to feel exhausted. Instead of keeping up their 1km/hour pacing, four of them started to slow down by only slow jogging and even walking.

Course:

"It's all about the mental strength, it's all about the will power; it's all about the mental strength, it's all about the will power......." He kept repeating the theory that he had listened enough. He truly understands that it is easier to chant it than to act on it. He felt heated, exhausted, bored, his not-cushioned running shoe was hurting his feet every step he put on the rocky path, his right knee was in pain..... Up to one point, he could even felt his body was loosing synchronization with his brain, and even worse, his brain was building tendency to listen to his body..
"You can't even lift up your leg, how could you run?!" Coach Firdaus' comment for his last race in Genting Trailblazer, again, was like a heavy bell swinging in his mind.

Race:

The final 7.5 km back to Pantai Murni, the finishing line. They saw the entrance to Pantai Murni, but the race course by-passed the entrance, and followed an outer ring route passing by the beach to enter the finishing line.

Course:

"They would better make sure this is right!!" Wan started to curse. By-passing the entrance to finishing line was like seeing a Vanilla ice-cream with fresh lime topping in front of you but you are not allowed to touch it. No, it's WAY MORE frustrating than that.
"That extra outer ring route is not designed purposely to fool everybody," after the race, Coach Firdaus explained to the racers, "it's the milage that they have to fulfill to meet the Full-Marathon standard."

Full Marathon?!!!!??? Very well.

Race:

About 3 km before finishing line, Aiyo, Koma! team passed by the quarantine post where the racers have to wait for their left-behind teammates before they approached finishing line.

Course:

"Luckily we reach here in one team, all four are here.. It's so embarrassing waiting in that quarantine post..." Daus pointed out the weird thing about this quarantine post. The rest agreed. They heard the racers in the quarantine post cheered on them.

Race:

200 m before finishing line.

Course:

"Zana, can you still run?" Zana's condition was the main concern of the other 3 guys in the team since peak of Jerai. Zana nodded, "let's run toward the finishing line."

********************************************************************

20 December, 2008, 4:08 pm.. Aiyo, Koma! team ran to the finishing line of the Jerai Eco X-Country Challenge 2008 after 8 hours of running through a distance of 44.7 km. They ended their endurance test at the 16th place out of 45 teams. The thrill and excitement were shared by their supportes/ logistic team who waited patiently and waited in faith to Aiyo, Koma! at the finishing point of the race.

Aiyo, Koma! would like to thank all the supports and helps and motivations and advices they received from their friends and the family of KOMA. A race course is called a 'race course' because along the race, racers learnt and aspired -- they learnt from the advices and tips, like a course in a school; they aspired from the drive of their love, like a course for a dream.

ps: all pictues posted here are courtesy of www.jeraiecoxcountry.com, except the last 2 pictures where you can find the Aiyo, Koma! team and their logistic/ supporters team posing after the race.

pss: I accidentally bumped into a Doctor's blog who was in the team that ranked 15th in the same race... and I started to recall that that Doctor might be the one who commented me at hte peak of the Mt. Jerai.. what a small world! Clcik here to read Doc's funny and detailed post about the race: http://opdochisyam.blogspot.com/2008/12/its-not-as-easy-as-you-think-jerai-eco.html. !!

psss: Hey I justrealized that many runners do BLOG as well!! (it's kinda cool for me as this proved that the perception of 'orang kasar tak reti bahasa' is TOTALY WRONG!! ) Click here for team AAC MMU's story during the Jerai Race. Congratulation to Ajis, Panjang, hanis and Nana!

"Family kat ner?"

2008-12-07T14:07:00.003+08:00

I called a cab. I really needed a ride to take me home -- it was almost 1 am. I was supposed to reach KL around 10 pm but due to the the weather condition in KLIA, my flight needed to turned to Johor by the time we were about to touch down.

"Adik dari maner?" The cab driver asked. I must have unintentionally showed a tired face when I sat in.

"Sabah." I had a 1-week geological field trip in Sabah. Suddenly I remembered the comment that Nany left in my Facebook:

"Jalan sakan jer mamat nih!" This guy never stop traveling.

I must agree with her. Since Cape Town, I had't really got my rest.

****************************************************************

The day my Cape Town South Africa-Changi Singapore-KLIA Malaysia flight finaly touched down at around 11 am Malaysian time, I rushed back home and tried to get a quick nap to tune my 6 hours jet lag back to normal --

-- because few hours after that, I needed to head to Genting HIghland for the Genting Trailblazer Race. It was a 10 km cross mountain run and I needed to make sure my body and mind were ready.

It was a race that got me learned in a hard way.

I got a serious pain on my right knee, I got my body drained out, I got a full load of heavy strain all over my muscles;

I received a medal which only honour those who managed to finish the race, I disappointed Daus my partner in the race for not reaching top 10 but the 14th, I started to doubt my fitness level, I realized it's much more painful to let somebody down than to let your knee got injured..

..and I learned something precious about being modest and humble, and about working hard and giving out the best..

***************************************************************

"Tak penat ker ko nih?" Nurita asked me when I just came down from one outcrop and ready to climb up the next. Sometimes in a geological field trip, we as geoscientists need to look close-up to features that engraved on the rocks by nature. Look close-up here means, if the geological features or even fossils are expected to be exist up on a hill, you just need to climb.

She knew that I've been going out for a few hiking trips before.

Tired? I smiled, at the same time I was thankful that the outcrops in Sabah, though requires so hiking and climbing, are not as high as a hill, or mountain for God's sake.

...and I also realized that, my pain on my right knee miracolusly disappeared after I entered Sabah. It was still there the day before my flight to Sabah, when I was in the midst of the forest on Gunung Nuang.

******************************************************************

The becoming weekend right after the race in Trailblazer Genting, we went up to Gunung Nuang and camped there.

My muscle pains carried forward from the race was fully recovered, but not yet me knee. To be very frank my knee pain was really worrying and I was advised to see a physio and NOT to proced with any outdoor activities.

But HELLO~~~ it was a hiking PLUS camping outing on Gunung Nuang, with Abang Fariz, Daus, Kak Yus, Amie, Nurin, Zana, Ijoi, Amir, Kak Ruby, Zayin and Sabarin!!

---I just don't see the knee pain was any more important that this outing!!

********************************************************************

The cab driver was mumbling on something about Sabah, I wasn't paying attention.

I texted Kak Yus, asking for the plan for our outing the next day -- err -- the same day, in a few hours.

"7 a.m. kumpul kt KLCC." She replied, and expressing her worries about my tiredness.

I sat back, looked at my watch. 1 a.m. Thinking I still could get an ample rest before waking up at 6 a.m., and then I realized I hadn't done any packing yet. So minus half hour of sleeping time.

The cab driver had finaly kept quiet, leaving a peaceful moment for me, listening to the retro rock kapak played on the radio. The radio DJ was about to end her slot after the song because she's wishing everyone a good night and a good weekend ahead.

"Semoga anda semua dapat berehat bersama keluarga anda dan juga insan tersayang pada hujung minggu ini.." Hope you have a nice weekend with your family and your loved ones. She said.

******************************************************************

7 a.m I reached KLCC and met Kak Yus and Ikha, then Coco then Huda then Ijoi then Suhaina then Uyun then Tess. Then we met up with the rest of the gang in R&R.

Jai and CK finally managed to join us this time and I was so happy about that. I hugged both of them the moment I saw them.

Yup, Cape Town -- Trailblazer -- Gunung Nuang -- Sabah Geological Field Trip, I quickly followed up the 'back-to-back Jalan Sakan' list with Whitewater Rafting in Sungai Gopeng, then caving in Gua Tempurong the next day, with this one whole bunch of fun people.

********************************************************************

The cab was driving through a sleeping KL when the radio DJ ended her slot.

"Semoga anda semua dapat berehat bersama keluarga anda dan juga insan tersayang pada hujung minggu ini.."

Her wishes really gave me a strike.

"Tak balik kampung ker?" The driver asked, and I knew from where he thought of this question. Blame the radio DJ.

"Tak." No I hadn't gone back to my hometown for quite some time, and I'm feeling guilty about that.

Silence ensued, before he asked the question that made me smiled.

"Family kat ner?"

****************************************************************

"Penat? tak lagi kuut." I still remembered the moment I answered Nurita's question, I was feeling some kind of heart-warmth inside.

Of course this back-to-back outings were kinda draining me out, but alhamdulilah I was still feeling energetic to ride on it -- People say you wouldn't feel tired if you enjoy doing things that you're doing. I believe so, but now I think it is more than that--

-- you just wouldn't feel tired if you enjoy doing things that you're doing, and doing it with the people you love -- a bunch of people that you really really really love and care about.

These people are my other family besides the one with my parents and my sisters; they are my family that taught me so many things in life, revealed so much lights and insights of life; a family that I hang out with in almost every weekends, inside forests, mountains, and urban;

A family that embraces me as Aiman and calls me Aiman;

A family that will certainly laugh at me for being sentimental but then give me a hug;

A family that we call ourselves: ",".

Yes, koma.

ps.. "Family kat ner?" Where's my family? we are planning to go to Gunung Buah Bunga after white water rafting in Sg Gopeng, caving in Tempurung Cave, steps-running at Batu Cave, roller skating at FRIM, waterfall hunting at Sg. Pisang, KaraOk-ing, futsal, bowling.. -- to answer the question of where's my family, I would answer --

-- out there.

We would never be divided.

2008-11-30T23:25:00.000+08:00

It was ShahFarid who sent out the email warning about traveling in India. Having no idea about what's the reason behind, I just accepted his advice as I know him as an international trader who always have the first hand update about what's going on in the world.

I was certainly turned down by his email, cause we were just planning to have a backpacking trip in the colorful country.

By then later on, the cancelation of the India trip was not anymore a big turn-down for me, the real big disappointment and great sadness for me, is the failure of human acts like a human-being.

Mumbai was attcked, by stupid, short-minded, narrow-sighted, cold-blooded, ignorant, arrogant, self-isolated, retarded-minded people, called terrorists.

It's sad, it's painful, but those animals won't tear us apart. They can't segregate the unity of human being in this world, I promise.

We would never be divided.

"We citizens of India, and countries around the world, from all faiths, backgrounds and walks of life, declare with one voice that the terrorist attacks in Mumbai have not divided us, will not divide us, and that we stand together, as one people, against all violent extremists who shamefully target the innocent. We call upon all our political and religious leaders to come together at this moment, and take effective action to prevent the spread of violence."

-- I've signed the petition. I hope you will do the same by clicking here.

Because I still want to travel to India, and to the rest of the world, to see how human-spirit shines when we human-being finaly intergrate and embrace each other, regardless of all the diffrences that the so-called civilization have brought us to see.

PS.. The posters are taken from a newsletter that I received from an Indian Online Community I joined few years ago.

Cape of hope..

2008-11-24T15:18:00.002+08:00

"Hmmm...you guys must have a lot of accidents like land-sliding or loose rocks falling off onto the road, right?" I asked, never turned away my sight from the spectacular mountain range.

"What?" Ismail was concentrating on his driving.

"Look at the boulders," I pointed to the large stones spread over the flank of the mountain range along the sea side winding road.

"Those rocks? Owh.. no, they are not loose rocks. We don't have those kind of accidents here." Ismail was still concentrating on his driving, while trying his very best to entertain all my weird questions about his country, South Africa, and his home town, Cape Town.

"I think they are loose rocks, that fell from the mountain -- the only way they are there" I tried to explain some geology to him, having a boost of self arrogance of being a geologist that knows better about rocks than Ismail.

Ismail responded to my explanations with a smile. The 4pm sunshine shone on his face. Typical South African figure who went through some harsh experiences in his past. You can see that aura in most of the 40s - 50s South African here.

*************************************************************************
June 1976, the world witnessed the Soweto Uprising in South Africa. The black youths of the country triggered an uprising to go against South African authorities.

The riots grew out of protests against the policies of apartheid. Ismail was involved in the uprising.

"It's always right to go out and fight for what you wish to have, rather than just sit there and blame what you don't have."

-- Until today, I still can vividly remember Ismail's calmness when putting all his messy and emotional past of involving in Soweto Uprising, into this one 'simple' phrase.

His words seemed simple and light, but I could feel the intensity of it.

The time must be a chaos. I looked at him. Trying to squeeze some words out of my mouth.

"...so.. are things become better after the uprising?" I asked, realizing that was another stupid question that might make Ismail recalled his tough time.

*************************************************************************
A visit to Table Mountain is a must when you are in Cape Town. That's what they said.

Hence I escaped half-day from the geological conference that I was sent to attend here, rode on the cable car that brought the tourist to the top of the iconic Table Mountain.

No doubt. What they said was right. Period.

Table Mountain features a flat top that geologically speaking, it is what remained after a tectonic uplift and millions years of period of severe erosion.

Literately speaking, Table Mountain is a survival of the million-year touch erosion. And that makes her gorgeous.

"Look at the sandstones here.. it's so coarse and so hard.." Mr V approached me when I was touching the surface of the 'table' top. Mr V is a geologist from Budapest, Hungary. He was supposed to be in the geological conference too.

We both stood up, and looked down. The 'Lion's Head' is another peak of the same mountain range that seen at the left of Table Mountain. "That is another survival." Mr V continued his lecture. I nodded, thinking to myself that I need to get out from this conversation -- I'm not here for a geological field trip..

"Right from the top here you can clearly see those rocks that was left behind after erosion. See those boulders? They are not loose rocks.."

Something hit me. I heard the same thing before.

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"While we will not forget the brutality of apartheid, we will not want Robben Island to be a monument of our hardship and suffering.
We would want it to be a triumph of the human spirit against the forces of evil;
A triumph of wisdom and largeness of spirit against small minds and pettiness;
A triumph of courage and determination over human frailty and weakness."

-- Ahmed Kathrada, anti-apartheid activist, long-serving political prisoner on Robben Island.

A visit to Robben Island was emotional. In 1962 Mr Nelson Mandela and his comrades of anti-apartheid including Mr Ahmed Kathrada were banished to Robben Island for almost 20 years.

Robben Island at the time was served as a prison during that time for its tough living condition and far abandonment from mainland of South Africa.

During their prison on Robben Island, the world outside was rioting and having "Free Mandela"campaign; inside, on the island, Mr Nelson Mandela and his comrade, despite of the hardship and suffering, insisted on their own education, and they used every means to reach the information from outside.

Everybody was keeping their faith during that time. A faith that brings South Africa to what she is today.

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The place is called Boo-ka. Cape Town's one of the Muslim's community housing areas.

It was Ismail who brought me there for the first time; then I jogged from my hotel to there again after the conference; the third time, I brought along my Nick'a.

Because Boo-ka is simply lovely. "Boo-ka means Upper Cape." The driver who drove me to the conference centre every morning explained to me, "and many film-makers go there and do film shooting."

No surprise. I would love to have my scenes shot in Booka if I'm a film director, but I only have my Nick'a, an amateur SLR.

"So how do you know Boo-ka, sir? It's quite hidden. "
"My friend's mum stays there." I was talkng about Ismail's mum. She lives in the green color house in Boo-ka.

When Ismail first brought me here, I used to ask him this question:

"Who put the colors on?"

"The local people, because they feel that they can do something to actualy attract tourist to come and visit their place."

The third time I visited Boo-ka, it was another colors that grabbed my heart.

The kids in Boo-ka.

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"Here, sir, your Rooibos tea."

"Rooibos?" I turned to him. It was Kyle, the hotel staff who took care of me since I checked in.

"I din order it, Kyle."

"No sir. This is for you. Remember you mentioned about Fynbos last night? Rooibos tea a prodcut of Fynbos plants." I could feel some sort of pride when he talked about Fynbos, like Malvin I met yesterday, who showed me what a Fynbos is in Halord Porter Botanical Garden.

Fynbos is a type of vegetation that only found in South Africa. It's the type of vegetation that have attitude. Fynbos grow strong under the dramatic living condition of medirterannean climate, and what made me really impressed about Fynbos is, the seeds of fynbos will only germinate after the intense heat of a fire.

Fire. I repeat.

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"Things are getting better now. The condition did not change right after the uprising, but things are getting better slowly in this country."

Sitting in the couch traveling from Hermanus back to Cape Town, I recalled the answer from Ismail when I asked him the question about Soweto Uprising. The couch passed by the samesea-side winding route that Ismail used to drive me on. I saw the boulders again.

Everything about Cape Town flahsed back in my mind. There's something about Cape Town that touched my heart, but I'd yet to realize.

Outside of the couch, there's a spectacular view of Atlantic Ocean, sparkling under the sun, marginized by the mountain range that Table Mountain belongs to. From times to times, I could even see whales breaching out of the sea surface -- Hermanus is claimed to be the best land-based whale watching spot in the world.

What made the whales to come to Cape Town? I started to ponder. I also saw penguins in Cape Town, and also sea-seals. Yes, we all know it's due to the weather or what not, but my thinking was something further:

Why Cape Town?

Outside of the couch, there's a spectacular view of Atlantic Ocean, sparkling under the sun, marginized by the mountain range that Table Mountain belongs to. I saw whales breaching out, from time to time; Robben Island lies somewhere far away from the coastline, in the middle of Atlantic Ocean; I saw boulders on the flank of the mountain range which are the survivals of a series of severe erosion, like Table Mountain; maybe there's fynbos scattering on the flank too; I saw people in Cape Town living happily in the life they'd fought for; I imagined Ismail's mum and her neighbors painted their houses in such a vibrant color in Boo-Ka, adding cheer and happiness into their life; and the kids, they are laughing happily, I could hear them..

.. then I know why cape Town. I smiled, but it was heart-breakingly sad to realize this.

Cape Town's beauty is truly derived from her strength going through all the tough times she had. The people in Cape Town, the rocks, the Fynbos -- everything in Cape Town fought through their way to get the charm that they get today..

That's why Cape Town is so heartbreakingly beatiful -- because God gives all the best to Cape Town, not to only compensate the scars and tears of her survival, but also to the hope and faith that hold firmly on this land.

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ps.. No, my Cape Town trip was not another holiday after the 4 countries in Europe (How much I wish it was!!).
There was an international geological conference over there where I had to present my MSc. thesis, showcasing it to the experts from all around the world and got questioned by them. It was tough to be challenged techinically but I think my Cape Town trip taught me something about stay strong with faith, and never give in to harshness..

What's your favorite?

2008-11-01T22:07:00.000+08:00

He came to me and hold my hand, another small hand of his touched my camera. He looked at me and asked:

"Can you take a picture of me?"

I did not expect the kids in Boo-Ka (Upper Cape) are so friendly. They do not seem at all to be afraid of a stranger like me who looks different with them. Or maybe it was just me who sees the differences that I just shouldn't be seeing.

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Of last 7 days, I was in a land that would probably be my top-ranked favorite destination so far. A land that opened my eye, a land that hold mt breath, a land that moved my sense, a land that touched my heart.

Look at my DestinationsMap below.. it's a land that in red circle.

A land that called Cape Town, South Africa.

(of course, more pictures and stories to come..)

When I looked up.

2008-10-25T10:00:00.001+08:00

Dear master Spider(ai)man,

I've never thought that I would have finally decided to voice up and talk to you like this after the slow talk we had the other day.

I understand your good intention to soak me in detergent for like, 3 days, after your trip to Brinchang-Irau; but hey, 'sorry doesn't cure' -- have you ever heard about this? I mean, din you think of how I would feel when you decided to wear me and start off your another expedition to that misty-muddy-mushy mountain?

I'm still bearing that putrid smell of those mud and humus, and I think the stain I got all over my body is just like the bad memory I had in Irau Mountain -- it never-ever-ever-ever fades away.

Dear master,

I admire you to be someone who really enjoy your life, and I'm so glad to accompany you whenever you go out there for your adventurous expedition -- BUT hey, this time? Uh-uh...

Try to recall what the rest of your comrades wear during this particular expedition.

I know you were surprised to know that Zana and Amie were NOT wearing their newly bought New-Balance trail running shoe (my clan) for this expedition, but when I looked up to you, I saw you smirked at their siliness of being over protective to their new shoe..

Then, I know you were again shocked to see Ika only wearing a pair of 'Cicak' sandals with socks, but when I looked up, I saw you amazed at her decision for not behaving like somebody who used to climb up the same mountain and managed to give advice..

.. and remember what your Hanuman buddy Daus wore during the climb? He wore only sandals, and when I looked up, I saw you, again, being quite not-believing but pretended you understood -- you just thought that Daus'd never got his time to do some proper packing.

..But, my dear Master, what if they chose to wear 'those shoe' on purpose? What if they were simply not as silly or ignorance as you thought, but they chose to wear like 'THAT' for a reason that they just don't want to damage/ ruin/ dirty their "FAVORITE SHOE"?

AND, please, remember what happened to their shoe later? Daus broke his sandals, and he could simply throw them away; Amie straightaway dumped her white-turn-brown running shoe (poor him -- i think he was a Nike, right?) ;and Azwa, she decided to climb down barefooted -- I was not sure whether she did not want her Nike flip-flop soaked in mud, or she just felt the flip-flop was not helping much to climb up and down..

..but my point is -- LOOK AT THEIR PLANS. I know you are such a use-and-dump type of guy, so -tThroughout the climb I looked up to you and prayed and hoped that you realized this: You can't never ever ever ever dump me like they did to their shoes because it is unfair to me.

-- You just can't use-and-dump me because I was only the victim of your failure to plan. Right? (and of course right until this moment I'm so relieved to see you trying hard to make me clean back, eventhough I don't think I would be as shinny as I was before..)

Anyway, I still wanted to thank you for trying so hard to avoid all the muddy paths or mushy trails during the climb. In fact, I truly respect three of you -- Ika, Daus and you -- for putting that efforts and insisted to keep yourselves 'as clean as possible'. I did not realize how much effort you guys took until I saw the rest of your comrades -- all of them -- got their whole lower body stained with muds! (Gosh!! How can they do that to their Mr Shoe and Mr Pants??!!).

.. and please help me to express my solute to Ika. YES I expected you and Daus would jump here and there and do whatever two monkeys will do in order to avoid all those mud and mush.. but hey din you see Ika was actually doing that as well??!! The only difference was she did it in a more graceful way, COMPARATIVELY -- you know what I mean, monkey!

And to all you other comrades as well. When I looked up to you guys, I saw tired faces shone with satisfaction and great happiness, and I know you guys really enjoyed the climb, eventhough Gunung Irau is comparatively mental challenging and erm.. dirty... :p

Love you always,
Bumblebee790, your loyal trail-running shoe

ps.. You guys call yoursleves KOMA or what?

pss.. I know you'll be reading this when you are in Dubai/South Africa or wherever it is with your Nike-Gundamman... but you've just brought him to Italy, Austria, Czech Republic and Germany last August, and NOW you're bringing him travel further to South Africa --

-- let's straight up, my dear Master, why don't you consider bringing me to somewhere oversea like Houston or wherever in this world, instead of letting me doing all the local job? I'm seeing some unfair treatments here -- you know what I mean, right? I always look up to you as a wise and good master, so... you know what I mean really, right?