Happy happy happy (re)birthday to me...

"..You know you are not alone..." she said this after a few seconds of silence, but it sounded so helpless.

Over the phone, he who already got tears flushed in the eye, laughed out loud, "I know I'm not -- of course I'm NOT alone! Hey we've just had fun laughing and dancing together, I enjoyed the company.. Hahaha!!"

Ha.ha..ha..-- an awkward silence ensued before her voice to be heard again in the phone, "..please... talk to us -- let us know what you feel, or we can't help..." she pleaded, "...none of us went through this, we need you to talk to us..."

"I'm fine.. don't worry.." His reply sounded lot emptier than the empty room after the party..

*********************************************

"My left hand is a cat, and my right hand is a touch with healing power.." -- Rebirth, 1st track in "Immortal", Cheer's latest album. He bought this album from a music store, a place he has been eagerly craving for to be in.

He knows the mechanism of sadness and loneliness -- these two elements always look for recognition from outside, through sharing, through talking, through understanding. But when the sharing the talking and the understanding are blocked, it's music store and book store that he would turn to -- where various moods are sold on the rack, various 'recognitions' are packed and sealed, you pick, you pay, and you go.

It's a cheap way of self -healing. Cheap, and superfacial, but somehow, it works.

Like his right hand touching his heart-broken cat on his left hand, the healing works, somehow..

***********************************************************

"The fear makes me shiver with tears in the middle of many sleepless nights, the fear frightens me whenever an sms sent in or a phone call dialed in, the fear that smears so deep into me that it controls all my emotions when I'm alone... -- will you understand all these feelings? Will you understand the dilemma between switching off your phone to cut off from the reality, and let

your phone switched on to make sure you'd still receive calls and sms from friends to remind you that they're still around? Will you understand the pain when any slight sense of loosing hits you out of any tiny reason? Will you understand the pressure to stop tears from spilling when you are alone inside a train, in a meeting, in front of workstation, on a street and even in front of your closest friends? Will you understand the desperation of running away from everything, and leave everything behind?

Will you understand how you realize you love your friends and you don't want them to listen to all these? Will you understand?

..will you?"

.....

No she did not listen to all these. The phone was hung up. The only one who listened, was he himself, and perhaps God -- perhaps, cuz he never knew how to talk to God, though he always desperately wanted to...

********************************************************

Nobody in this world would forget their own birthday, nor ignore it. Hence, counting down to one's own birthday is inevitable.

The album 'Immortal' is a birthday gift for himself, although he knows that's not any greatest and proudest birthday gift -- most probably, the coming birthday wouldn't be the greatest nor the proudest one.

...counting down to this birthday, is like zooming into a fear, a fear of known and more unknowns..

He returned to his empty world after the phone. Feeling sorry about her, and everyone who cares..

"How would we understand if you just keep all those to yourself?" was her last question..

I'm sorry, I just hate to be a looser, I just hate being fragile, I just hate to be pitied, I just hate to be a burden to all I love..

He double clicked Track 1 on his player, flipping through the booklet of 'Immortal', he found a footnote about the album, printed on the last page:

"..to all sorrowful soul.."

He couldn't help but to hold both his hands together.. "...my left hand is a cat, and my right hand is a touch with healing power..." Cheer sang from his player. He fell on his knee...