realize .. (..a sequel, perhaps..)

Once upon a time God gave me a vision of a bridge, and I perceived it as a hope for the final linkage of two lands...

.. I looked forward the bridge to come, and I whispered to myself, "I wish I could see how it built... I wish I could see how it built...." .. with tears down, I thanked for the guidance.

*************************************

Not long ago from then I looked at the bridge, I found my vision blurred...

... and I told myself, "keep your faith... the bridge is still there, InsyaAllah... " .. with tears down, I hoped it could clean the dusk from my sight...

************************************

Not far away from now I reached the river bank, and I saw no bridge..

.. I hopelessly fell on my knees and asked God what happened... with tears down, dropped into the water of the river, I saw my reflection..

I saw a bridge. The bridge.

************************************

Not so far away from now I was reluctant to accept the true message of the vision, avoiding the great responsibility that was assigned..

.. I helplessly begged God to take away the burden.. with tears down, I saw myself crumbled into bricks and pebbles, into sands and dusk...

I could never be the bridge...

************************************

Just ago my struggle broke me down and I fell on my bended knees.. ..

"There's no bridge -- you are the bridge, face it.."

... the greatest challenge, the deepest dilemma, the darkest struggle, the most heart-tearing battle, the tinniest hope.. -- face it.

.. with tears down, I pray for strength, for perseverance, for wisdom, for guidance and for a stronger faith, to face a destiny that I couldn't run away from..

***********************************

Ps..

It took me more than 2 years to realize this heavy message behind the vision I received once upon a time...

I realized now, that the moment when I received the vision of a bridge once upon a time, a task had been destined to me already;

I realized now, that when I was on my bended knees once upon a time and praying for the bridge to come, a responsibility had been added on my shoulder already;

I realized now, that when I was on my bended knees once upon a time, listening to the fear of letting my loved ones down and wishing for a strength to raise myself up, a calling had been made louder in my ears already;

I realized now, that when I was writing about a bridge once upon a time in February 2009, and posted it and titled it as 'On my bended knees', another post echoing it with my realization, had been written, somewhere in my life, already.....

... waiting is another episode.....

He's waiting for her to come back. The one he used to know.

For the time being, things gone hazy -- he's unsure about the journey she'd travelled, neither the duration of the deviation.

Maybe forever it is.

Hence, the episode begins.

******************************************

Many of my readers waited, I then realized.

The best (most sarcastic?) response I've received regarding my hiatus of blogging was:

"Hey so you left behind your 'lEft Nothing Behind' eh?"...

:) I mean, thank you -- Yup I've been to India, twice, within 1 month time.. so I assume I'm supposed to blog about the awesomeness of the journeys -- but look at here, this is how we spell 'procrastination'...

... and I'm sorry for the long wait, things gone hazy lately. Promise I'll come back.

Soon.

The perfect wedding..

"What's the furthest distance for you?" He asked. The time was 1 minute after the silence when she announced a break-up.

"The furthest distance is when I'm sitting close to you..." She finished her drink, ".. but I'm not loving you anymore.. "

He looked at her.

*********************************

(1)

She's a famous wedding planner, but yet to have any plan of 'The Perfect Wedding' for her clients.

He's a famous wedding planner, but yet to reveal his plan of 'The Perfect Wedding' to any of his clients.

She knows she needs to have 'The Perfect Wedding' planned-out. Sir Gomez, her current biggest client gave him 2 years time to lay out the plan -- 2 years -- "sufficient enough", she smirked with a plot drafted in her mind.

++++++

(2)

They fell in love -- I mean, she made him fell for her, and when the night he kneed down with a ring and made his proposal, she knew she's almost there.

-- What's 'The Perfect Wedding' for the best wedding planner in the world? His own wedding.

That night, in front of the kneeing him, she nodded to the proposal, but smiled to the victory of her plot..

++++++

(3)

He started to plan his wedding -- the perfect wedding of him and his love. She's totally overwhelmed by the wonderful idea -- the plan of The Perfect Wedding is so gorgeous and flawless she just have to admit his status of the world's best wedding planner.

She rewrote every details of the plan to Sir Gomez in her email. "..only a heart that's deeply in love can create this perfect wedding plan..." Sir Gomez commented in his reply -- she almost can see Sir Gomez's smilling. She knew Sir Gomez was so impressed -- every words in Sir Gomez's replies carried emotions and expressions, she could feel that Sir Gomez was the happiest client on the planet, without the necessary of meeting him at all.

She smirked at Sir Gomez's comment, while thinking of the earliest date to dump his wedding planner fiance.

**********************************

He looked at her. The heartless silence conquered every drop of air in between them.

"I used to think that, " he broke the silence, "the furthest distance is when I'm standing in front of you, but you don't know how much I miss you, and how much I love you..."

She took off her engagement ring, put it on the table, "I'm sorry," stood up, grabbed her handbag, "..it's over." cold-hearted, headed towards the exit of the coffee house.

"..but in the last 2 years I realize that, " he continued, "the furthest distance exists when you know how much I miss you and how much I love you, but you just pretend to do the same, for some reasons other than love..."

She stopped. Turned around to him.

"... the perfect wedding plan is not yet complete," he looked at her, his eye filled with disappointment, "it requires a heart that is deeply in love..."

Her handbag slipped off of her hand. A hopeless weakness smeared from her feet, upward.

".. the furthest distance, " he stood up, "is even though we have been together for almost 2 years, you still don't know who am I -- that's the furthest distance -- " he walked pass her,

"-- ever..."

split|ting me...

Man: "..I think I failed... I even lost something I didn't expect initially..."

Spider: "I think I did worse... been working so hard but I am just plain inefficient.. what did you lose by the way?"

lEfty: "..He lost his ability to share how he feels.. all his words gone.. sigh.... why is everything getting tougher as we thought it'll be going fine? I lost my heart in the middle of my task, and I couldn't find it now.... "

Me: ".. perhaps we are wrong... it's a mistake for us to be splitted and then we become companions for each other among us.... like this ...."

sigh..

The curious case of the disloyal order and the disorder loyal of a writing bug in a disturbed mind..

(There comes November, prescribing a death penalty onto my blog posts for October.. )

(... and I apologize to those who waited. In fact I'm surprised and thankful to know that there are actually people waiting.)

Yes, my writing paused. It just jammed like the photocopier in my office. And when I thought I was stuck because of the chaos in my life throughout the month of October, a friend of mine came to me and ask a simple question:

"Can I look at what's in ur pocket?"

There's a little notebook inside my pocket. I do a lot of drafting and quick jotting inside it. But lately, it's filled with sketches.

... hence I realized, I wasn't stuck, I was just unintentionally switching to another way of expression -- I don't write, but I sketch -- in the middle of a wait, inside LRT, after-work walking alone, midnight awake -- whenever I'm alone, whenever the disorder state of emotion haunts me, whenever a heavy press of my pen onto the paper or a random line helps in expressing my desperation or chaos better than words.

Post-post note....

"You don't seem OK..." She gave the notebook back to me after flipping through it..

"I'm OK.." I smiled, kind of regret for lending her the notebook.

".. a spider's killer instinct is actually its self-protection... for they got hurt, they get defensive... I understand where you are coming from... " she explained.

I was stunned.

".. but don't build up the walls around you... " she continued.

I was stunned.

Thank you, Shunza.

Sneak.

Wake up. I caught a grasp of cold air.

Where am I? My eye started searching around. Deep dark. In a cave. I could hardly move my body. I felt pain, but I couldn't moan -- my slight instinct alarmed me to not make any noise.

The boy's sleeping beside me. Peacefully. I look at him, listening to the noise made by another scouting troop. Things never turn right. Things never turn right.

I looked west. The bridge's still there.

*************************************

Wake up. I heard somebody weeping.

My body was laying on my bed. I'm still here, inside the cell. The little boy on next bunk was crying , I need to get him out of here, before the worst.

"....before sunrise.." I read the message written on my arm..

He's the precious. He's the hope. I looked out. The bridge's there, but there're guards around. I moved to him, held his little hand. I could feel him shivering, and he's weak.

"Hey boy, be strong, OK?" I whispered, ".. you're not a coward.. be strong.. everything will be fine, we'll get through this one day.. " I see him nodded.

*********************************

Wake up. I heard people cursing, and the chaos triggered by angry crowd. Realizing something had gone terribly wrong, I looked for the little boy.

..but I was too late.. the boy was captured and tied up. He was still trying hard to breath when I reached him. I saw the bruises on his body, and the stones of blame and humiliation were scattered around him.

"Wake up, buddy.." I shook his little body.

"Hey... look what I've done to this land..." he answered, slowly opened up his eye. I looked around. This land used to be a wonderful place... but it's now full of anger and despair..

"...hey..." the boy continued, ".... I'm a coward, right?" I see tears in his drained eyes.

***********************************

Wake up. I had a nightmare. In it, I lost him.

I can't afford to lose him. I need to bring him cross the bridge. There are helps there. All my brothers across the bridge will protect him, all my sisters across the bridge will give him food.

Eyeing on the bridge, I know I just need to wait for another few hours for the guards to switch shift. He's still breathing. Thank God. Outside of this cave, the scouting troops were still searching around.

I put my hand on this forehead to feel the warmth. He looks so fragile when he's sleeping, but I know he's a strong little boy. He's a gift from God -- a gift that should be guarded till death. Falling on my bended knees, I pray to God. I pray for strength and guidance, so that I can protect him better, so that I won't let him get hurt anymore; I pray for a way out, from all these chaos, from all these misunderstandings; I pray for a better tomorrow; I pray for two lands that is linked by a bridge, not separated by a bridge...

**************************************

Wake up. I caught a grasp of cold air.

Where am I? My eye started searching around. Deep dark. I'm still in the cave.

I looked west. The bridge's still there, and it's cleared. I heard Azan from the other side.

It's time. Fajr Azan is a signal for me and my brothers at the other end. They must be waiting now.

I woke up the little boy, "we gotta go now.." I put him on my back, recalling the message -- the last message left by my brothers earlier, written on my arm --

"Bring Faith back... before sunrise.."

I patted on the boy who's riding on me now, "ready?" he nodded. I turned my head and kissed him, "I'm bringing you back, Faith..."

Faith hold his arm around me tighter. We sneaked out the cave, towards the bridge.

Hello Aiman from Spider -- A letter from Tahan..

Dear Aiman,

Hello, and congratulation, for the journey -- yup, the journey... the journey that you've promised and you've dreamed for.

Remember the unrecorded resolution for 2009 you told me at the beginning of the year? Well it's unrecorded because it's 'unconventional'. :) .. so can I reveal, for the sake of a record, now?

You did not resolve for any oversea trips this year -- which was not a typical you; you did not resolve 'to read such and such books by the end of the year'; you did not resolve to do anything for your photography hobby ...

-- instead, your new year resolution was a simple, yet heavy, in your case.

"It is a journey," you said, when we sat down face to face at the start of year 2009. And I smiled, and asked, "a journey far, far away?" then we immediately let silence conquered our conversation. It was the silence of sigh - both of us have no idea on how to get there by then, but deep inside I had trust on you -- I knew you'll embark on the journey one day, I just knew.

.. and look, here you are, with a sack on your back -- packed with lots of love and blessings from your brothers and sisters, packed with all your determinations and sacrifices, and most importantly, packed with the responsibilities, the obligations, the belief and the faith -- you are standing on the beginning of the journey.

Yup, the journey.

... and dear Aiman,

I believe you too witnessed the same thing I observed, about how The Almighty Him lays the

route of your journey. Yes -- it was you and the gang of KOMA planned the Gunung Tahan Expedition, but did you expect anything that God's given to you during your almost 1-week stay in the heart of Tahan Mountain Range?

The scenery, the people, the ambience, the 'untold' stories, and those little miracles you witnessed here and there during trekking -- praise to God, I somehow see this expedition as an real induction for you to enter the whole new world of Him.

Tell me more about the miracles you saw in Gunung Tahan, please. I know you did see something, and you've problem expressing it to others, so sometimes you chose to weep quietly when you were walking alone in the troop.

..and don't worry Aiman, you wept not because of the toughness of the condition, but it's the miracle

s -- the instant answers of God to your prayers -- that moved you to tears.. I understand, as I understand what are you whispering about during jungle trekking, as I understand how meaningful the Tahan Expedition is for you.

(..but still, give me every details about the miracles, please... *wink wink* )

Aiman,

You received angah's welcome-back sms when 18 of you finally touched down in Kuala Tahan. I hope you still remember that kind message from him.

"You will appreciate more things from now on.."

I truly agree with him, Aiman, and in fact, I witnessed the bond of the brotherhood and sisterhood of KOMA are up-leveled. So Aiman, always -- I mean always and always and always remember the feeling of guilty you had in any moments of you letting them down, because you owe them too much, way way way too much.

I truly believe Tahan Expedition was a great beginning for your great great journey ahead, and I shall congratulate you for your Gunung Tahan expedition, and congrats again for finally embarking on the journey that was listed as your 2009's resolution --

--hey pinch yourself, it's NOT anymore a resolution, it's NOT anymore a dream -- you're stepping on the path of the journey now, the journey that you always wanted for years, the journey that bring you close to God.

Congratulations.

Love from Tahan,

Spider

On my bended knees

I'm on my bended knees, thanking, and praying for the bridge to come....

I wish I could see how it built, so that I could stack some bricks. Across the strait, I see my dearest brothers and sisters waving -- my dear whom they could always make me calm from fears, my dear whom they could always make me calm in tears.. 

I wish I could see how it built, so that I could prepare myself for the day to come. The Azan calls from the west bank, I'm standing east. The sun rises and my shadow is already there.

I wish I could see how it built, I wish I could see how it built; cuz I see my path laid out after the bridge, cuz I see the little town of my life lit up with every lights, across the strait.

I'm on my bended knees, thanking -- to my brothers and sisters who help me to see, to listen, to perceive, and to pray...

I'm on my bended knees, listening to the fear of letting them down, wishing for a strength to raise myself up, 

I'm on my bended knees, praying, for the bridge to come.... 

~~ to all my best friends ~~

When I looked up.

Dear master Spider(ai)man,

I've never thought that I would have finally decided to voice up and talk to you like this after the slow talk we had the other day.

I understand your good intention to soak me in detergent for like, 3 days, after your trip to Brinchang-Irau; but hey, 'sorry doesn't cure' -- have you ever heard about this? I mean, din you think of how I would feel when you decided to wear me and start off your another expedition to that misty-muddy-mushy mountain?

I'm still bearing that putrid smell of those mud and humus, and I think the stain I got all over my body is just like the bad memory I had in Irau Mountain -- it never-ever-ever-ever fades away.

Dear master,

I admire you to be someone who really enjoy your life, and I'm so glad to accompany you whenever you go out there for your adventurous expedition -- BUT hey, this time? Uh-uh...

Try to recall what the rest of your comrades wear during this particular expedition.

I know you were surprised to know that Zana and Amie were NOT wearing their newly bought New-Balance trail running shoe (my clan) for this expedition, but when I looked up to you, I saw you smirked at their siliness of being over protective to their new shoe..

Then, I know you were again shocked to see Ika only wearing a pair of 'Cicak' sandals with socks, but when I looked up, I saw you amazed at her decision for not behaving like somebody who used to climb up the same mountain and managed to give advice..

.. and remember what your Hanuman buddy Daus wore during the climb? He wore only sandals, and when I looked up, I saw you, again, being quite not-believing but pretended you understood -- you just thought that Daus'd never got his time to do some proper packing.

..But, my dear Master, what if they chose to wear 'those shoe' on purpose? What if they were simply not as silly or ignorance as you thought, but they chose to wear like 'THAT' for a reason that they just don't want to damage/ ruin/ dirty their "FAVORITE SHOE"?

AND, please, remember what happened to their shoe later? Daus broke his sandals, and he could simply throw them away; Amie straightaway dumped her white-turn-brown running shoe (poor him -- i think he was a Nike, right?) ;and Azwa, she decided to climb down barefooted -- I was not sure whether she did not want her Nike flip-flop soaked in mud, or she just felt the flip-flop was not helping much to climb up and down..

..but my point is -- LOOK AT THEIR PLANS. I know you are such a use-and-dump type of guy, so -tThroughout the climb I looked up to you and prayed and hoped that you realized this: You can't never ever ever ever dump me like they did to their shoes because it is unfair to me.

-- You just can't use-and-dump me because I was only the victim of your failure to plan. Right? (and of course right until this moment I'm so relieved to see you trying hard to make me clean back, eventhough I don't think I would be as shinny as I was before..)

Anyway, I still wanted to thank you for trying so hard to avoid all the muddy paths or mushy trails during the climb. In fact, I truly respect three of you -- Ika, Daus and you -- for putting that efforts and insisted to keep yourselves 'as clean as possible'. I did not realize how much effort you guys took until I saw the rest of your comrades -- all of them -- got their whole lower body stained with muds! (Gosh!! How can they do that to their Mr Shoe and Mr Pants??!!).

.. and please help me to express my solute to Ika. YES I expected you and Daus would jump here and there and do whatever two monkeys will do in order to avoid all those mud and mush.. but hey din you see Ika was actually doing that as well??!! The only difference was she did it in a more graceful way, COMPARATIVELY -- you know what I mean, monkey!

And to all you other comrades as well. When I looked up to you guys, I saw tired faces shone with satisfaction and great happiness, and I know you guys really enjoyed the climb, eventhough Gunung Irau is comparatively mental challenging and erm.. dirty... :p


Love you always,
Bumblebee790, your loyal trail-running shoe

ps.. You guys call yoursleves KOMA or what?

pss.. I know you'll be reading this when you are in Dubai/South Africa or wherever it is with your Nike-Gundamman... but you've just brought him to Italy, Austria, Czech Republic and Germany last August, and NOW you're bringing him travel further to South Africa --

-- let's straight up, my dear Master, why don't you consider bringing me to somewhere oversea like Houston or wherever in this world, instead of letting me doing all the local job? I'm seeing some unfair treatments here -- you know what I mean, right? I always look up to you as a wise and good master, so... you know what I mean really, right?