...watching an evolution like an old man and smirking at a good-bye note...

My habits of writing diary started since my secondary school.. owh well of course there were days when your teacher made 'writing dairy' as a homework over weekend, even since primary school but.. my really self-initiated 'diary days', started since, for whatever reason, form 4.

Then the habit ensued -- what changed was the way I write stuff, and the stuff that I write -- until Book #6, I guess, when 'Weblog' was introduced to my posting life.

My first post to my own blog, was titled 'One Quiet Afternoon', when I was typing it in a quiet afternoon, weekend, in my newly-joined workplace in KLCC.

Back then, my blog was simply an english-writing exercise for me. A place for me to brush up my 'Ah-Beng's-standard' english. I still kept writing my diary -- it became a place to write really deep stuff now. Deep, and secretive stuff, in my own mother tongue.

The drama went on. My blogging days started to get on track and my english was slightly improved and I could start to write 'deep' stuff in english. I started to find some sort of dominance or rather, an invasion, happened to my 'usual language' -- my diary started to be flooded by english words, in the middle of my mother-tongued chinese characters; I started to log more about my life on blog than in diary...

BUT I still managed to give a differentiator to classify which stuff to blog and what stuff to seal in my diary -- on my blog, some light toned stories hidden with deep and dark stuff, which were actually nakedly scribbled in my diary, but darker, heavier, up to the point that you don't want to read or write it further..

Try imagine this: my diary posting life, it's dark and deep and desperate -- all of the symptoms of a hopeless drug addict, full of jealousy over the shinny blog posts. Diary, when came to Book #7, started to die...

... as my posting life, officially switched to blogging.

I went crazy about posting in my blog, and alhamdulilah there were a few blog posts that received some attention from other bloggers and we started to make friends. My blog-posting life went on with more and more stylish posts, and virtual glamorous feeling kicking my head every time I received a compliments from my fellow readers.

"It's all about sharing".. I can even see me smirked at my dusty diary.

.. and with my head all overwhelmed by the power of 'sharing', I signed up Facebook.

Very well, you figured out what happened next.

While my 'typical blog posts' are normally full of suspense, hiden with quests and quizes, winding a storyline leading towards revelation of a final twist; Facebook asks a simple question "What's in your mind" and make sure the answer is under a limitation of word counts.

A clash of Gen-Blog and Gen-FB? Haha u think? I don't have the problem. I was happily actively keeping things straight-forward in posting my thoughts on Facebook, while using the power of Facebook as well, to share my long-winding blog post -- what a win-win, I think I'm a genuis.

...until one day, when I sat in front of my Mac and trying to post some thoughts on my blog, I ended up finishing my thought in only 1 sentence. ONE damn sentence. Period. 


Obviously Facebook had done something to me -- it's like there's a conspiracy going on, there's no win-win -- I'm loosing to Facebook, I mean, the blogging-me is loosing to the FB-me. Now my way of writing, of speaking, of expressing, and even of accepting thoughts, are all 'under a limitation of word coutns', so you'd better be direct!

My oh my.

My blog started to get abandoned, getting as dusty as my diary used to be. And when I tried to revive it, what happened was I ended up writing loooooong booooring stuff with zero suspense, zero quests and zero quizes, mouthful of fluffing with a big yawn at the ending.

Defeated -- And thank God Facebook becomes a phenomena and a sensation, at least the blogging-me was not defeated by any Tom, Dick and Harry. Sigh. But the feeling of seeing this 'Karma' stuff going on, I started to see what will happen to the FB-me one day soon..

...or not too soon. There comes 'Instagram'.

Haha. And now you start wondering when will I call it an end. The truth is, I don't think I will. :p

Instagram shares pictures. So you see the trend now -- pen-held writing, cut-short to typing, cut-short to mini sentence posting, now cut short to word-less sharing. Fantastic. I feel like going through a timeline, hopping from generation to generation, watching an evolution taking place.

...and if anyone of you had gone through what I ve been going through, you probably understand what I feel right now -- a clarity.

I just can't wait what will take over the 'Instagram' heat, what form of sharing and expressing can happened in future, what type of media will I be using to share stuff with my son -- I'm writing on behalf of him right now on his blog (www.isaachakimi.posterous.com) and I hope he'll take it over, and take flight from there, to continue sharing his life and his thoughts, using the media or sharing mode of their generation. . .. and Papa will meet you there.

.. and being in such a clarity mode, I'm terminating this blog, while pursuing a whole conglomerate of all these somewhere, somewhere to be announced. Thanks!

My augmented future.

2 things recently crossed my life that made me felt the future can be so, so near:

1. Augmented-reality;
2. My son.

The technology of augmented-Reality answers all my childhood fantasies;

The arrival of my son in my life brings me questions about his childhood fantasies.

One is the future of my childhood, another one is the future of his childhood.

Till this moment I'm still -- addictedly and fasinatedly-- playing the augmented-reality game in my iPhone, imagining how this technology will be/had already spilled over from only game application, and then flushed its way into our daily life.

..and at the same moment I am still waiting for my son's rocket to land, imagining how his life is already enhanced with the augmented-reality technology, and how his capacity of imagination will be stretched to a level which is way beyond the vision of my generation.

I simply can't wait.

split|ting me...

Man: "..I think I failed... I even lost something I didn't expect initially..."

Spider: "I think I did worse... been working so hard but I am just plain inefficient.. what did you lose by the way?"

lEfty: "..He lost his ability to share how he feels.. all his words gone.. sigh.... why is everything getting tougher as we thought it'll be going fine? I lost my heart in the middle of my task, and I couldn't find it now.... "

Me: ".. perhaps we are wrong... it's a mistake for us to be splitted and then we become companions for each other among us.... like this ...."

sigh..

How wrong am I?

Hiatus. I apologize.

I wrote and saved so many drafts since the start of 2010, but none of them will fit enough to describe what's wrong (or what's not-wrong) with a blogging me, or a living me..

... hence those drafts stay draft, like the wrong me stays wrong..

How wrong am I as per date?

I see sounds. Yup, THAT wrong.

I can't tell you how terrible the feeling is when 'seeing' sounds moving around like drawing blocks, or even worse, plywoods. For example you'll wonder why that piece of sound do not have transparent background so that when overlapping in front of another piece of sound (or plywood in this case) we still can see what's going on with the plywood behind.

Then you'll start getting fuzzy and try every means to move the plywood behind to front like what we do to the graphic arrangement on Microsoft Powerpoint or any other visual software on computer; and then you'll find out the same issue happening to the second plywood and then you'll start shifting it to behind again or closer to each other hoping that they will blend together and then you'll get frustrated and then you knock the plywoods and try side-by-side arrangement and then you concluded they really can't blend his way so you retry by tilting them at various angle, orientating them or maybe upside-down and you try again by shifting them, front to end, side by side... --- oh yeah by the way that's only for 2 'plywoods', don't get me started with more sounds here.

So you tell me, how wrong am I? I know, sounds -- but that's not the problem, I think. Do you still keep the memory of coloring when you were young? What do you feel when you do coloring and there's a little area just can't stick with any color you try to put on? I used to see a crocodile hiding in that little area, eating up all my colors within his territory.

The world change when our vision towards a picture collapses -- that's how wrong I am, now.

PS:

1. STOP trying to interpret this post if you don't have the coloring memory.

2. STOP trying to interpret this post if you don't believe the power of vision.

3. STOP trying to interpret this post as this post might be another draft that I'll save forever...

Zone?

A young reader of this blog send an email to me and this is her little request:

"Can you please elaborate more on a comfortable zone? does it mean that we should not just satisfy with current situation, have to explore more?

I would like to read your blog about this ..if you are free to write.. thank you ^^ "

I thank her for the email, although I don't really understand why she chose me to be referred to such a question. If the email dropped into my mailbox years earlier, I might have quoted some saying about being 'adventurous', and telling her that getting out from your mama's embrace and yada yada, end up arrogantly writing a lengthy notes showing off my belief , but not now -- --

-- now, I'm rather worried and perhaps careful to answer her request.

-- cuz' you could ruin someone's life if that person take your advice in a very superficial way. And I dare not do that.

Going out from a comfortable zone can be extremely disturbing, to the extent of heart-tearing and it can crumble you down into pieces at any time. But there's one thing about getting uncomfortable despite of all the fears and insecurities -- You just need a drive. A strong drive.

A strong, strong drive, called 'Faith'.

We all are children of God, and we all are meant to shine according to God's will. Stayed surrounded by everything that you are familiar to, and stayed pampered by the feeling of secured will not help you to see God's will.

Let's try think in this way: God created us and God created the world far bigger than where we stand, isn't His will that want us to go out and explore, and ultimately found the reason to shine?

.. Yes I know, my 'answer' does not really help to explain what the young reader wants to know -- and in fact, I don't really intend to give any answer or advices. I still have to say, that none of us know what's outside our comfortable zone and none of us wouldn't feel terrified when challenges come -- None. It's you who will decide and chose your own path --

-- so if you're not sure, please stay, until you perceive that ultimate vision, God willing.

Mirror talk.

We’ve seen a lot of classy hotels that provide lifts with mirror inside, but have you ever thought about the function of those mirrors?

Well, some might say it’s another cliché interior design which have been copied-cat over and over again in most of the hotels;

..and, maybe some might say it gives that little lift a roomy and spacious feel by putting the mirrors inside;

..erm, some might say it’s a little friendly touch provided by the hotels for their guests, in order to check their appearance before going out of the lift and meeting somebody important in lobby..;

.. some might even say it’s something about Feng-Shui or perhaps a ‘Ghostbuster’ trick.. etc etc etc.

So what say you?

Mirrors inside a lift are put up for a reason. It’s for the sake of conveniences of our wheel-chaired friends, so that they don’t have to turn around, and still be able to keep an eye on the level of the lift which would appear on the digital board near the entrance.

Most of the time we think and speak and act on behalf of ourselves, sometime we just have to re-look things from somebody else’s perspective, and every time –every minutes and every seconds -- is the time to quit egoism and quit being self-centered.

From someone who can fly..

I always enjoy the view from top -- it is thorough enough, clear enough and wide enough, but it is never zoomed in enough. Like a running event, what do you see from a running event? I saw how people channel their passion along the running course; but what would you see in a runner of a running event? Never.

Well.. let me tell you more..

Lots of thing caught my attention me in KLAVA Open Back To Nature Relay 2009.

First thing first, the word 'KLAVA' itself. 'KLAVA' -- Kuala Lumpur Association of Veteran Athletes -- yup, VETERAN, of age of 40 and above, they were the organizers and the coordinators and the marshals and, okay, the runners for the event. (But of course, the running event itself is NOT only for veteran..); then, a young chubby boy finished his run of 3.9km and hugged his daddy where everybody cheered and claped..; then the ladies who actually put their feet into the race and enjoyed themselves out of an 'Are you crazy??!!' common-sense..; then the whole healthy atmosphere with all the healthy people gathered around for a healthy cause, in this scenic and beautiful Taman Metropolitan Batu;

...then... this special team.

I shall recall how I was actually attracted by this team:

-- first of all they wear the same striking blue Nike shirt and same running short, and it was a lil' bit 'overdressed' for such an event but, well, it's still up to them, I guess.

-- Secondly, the way they behaved. OK OBVIOUSLY they are not STUDENTS anymore but they behaved just like they are -- but what really confused me was, there's a lady who accompanied them, and she's really like a teacher.. So I guess this blue team was from an institute, if not a college.

-- Thirdly, they were fresh -- I mean new in the running tournaments happening around recently..

..so I decided to track them down. Start from their 1st runner. Let's call him White Shoe as he's wearing a white Nike with blue lining -- Nike again??!!

Runners off and I saw him keeping pace with the front group of racers -- but definitely that was not his own pace, well, the effort was there.. but I don't think it was a wise strategy -- and that move kind of revealed his 'immaturity' in running event.

..sooner after about 1km of running with the front group, he found his own pace and got his breathing in control, but I chuckled to see him fumbled with his condition -- racers kept on overtaking him while he was also running. That was actually a great mental challenge. Poor him! But I shall see how he deal with this -- the greatest challenge in long distance running is in fact dealing with your own will, pal! Run, White Shoe, run!

The final 2 km of his 3.9km run White Shoe was chased after by a UiTM racer but the racer became White Shoe's drive to keep on pushing himself. I was actually hoping that he could look beyond to overtake the racers 500m in front of him, rather than only keeping himself stay ahead of the UiTM runner. But, never he sprinted or even tried, he reached the finishing line at 16 minute and 42 sec, passing the baton to the next runner of his team.

The 2nd runner is a reserved type of runner, I guess, because he never showed the 'iklan Colgate' giggly big smile as his another 2 teammates do. He wore a pair of striking blue Adidas, so let's call him 'Blue Shoe'.

I actually missed the set off of his run but I think Blue Shoe could run faster than White Shoe as he has a typical sprinter's running behavior. People always see 2nd leg in a relay would have the privilege of chilled-out compare to the 1st leg and last leg -- but that's only a myth. I believe Blue Shoe struggled through his mental hardship when seeing the other 2nd runners were waaay ahead of him.

While waited patiently for Blue Shoe's time-in, the 'teacher' was kinda surprised to see the last leg (3rd runner) of the 1st and 2nd teams were actually set off for their victory run. Yup, teacher, that's the standard, okay?!?! I almost laughed out loud to see the teacher's shocking face expression -- and again, it revealed the 'not-so-experienced' fact of the team -- freshy they are, I started to get convinced.

Blue Shoe timed himself in for running 17 minutes and 19 sec.. a lil bit longer he took but what really impressed me was he sprinted for his final 500m -- a totally different approach compare to White Shoe. As I said earlier, Blue Shoe could be a good sprinter.

Then the baton passed to the final leg, the third runner of the team. I know most (almost all) relay teams will arrange their strategy in such a way that the best runner would run for the final leg. So I supposed Black Shoe -- OK, very well, a Black Nike (agaain??!!) -- is the ultimate runner in this team.

..and not coming to my surprise at all, he really is.

The pace, the breathing, the mental strength and the approach to his run-- I don't really think this 3.9km brought any problem to him. What really triggered my curiosity was, he did not seem to be running all out as well.

Whatever it is, it was really exciting to see him overtook a few racers, even one right before the finishing line. Black Shoe finished his run by only using 15 minutes and 10 sec, making it the official lapse time for the team 49 minutes and 11 sec, ranked 12th out of 33 teams in Men's Open Category.

Good placing? Good time? Good effort? Good trial? As I said, this team was really interesting as I couldn't get any answers from their post-run reaction, even not from their 'teacher' -- They played around among them like fools after the race as if they did not care at all their 'not-so-good' ranking for the race, but if they DID NOT CARE at all about this race, what happened to the effort that made them put on the same striking Nike running shirts and shorts? So if they really cared then why there was no the ultimate 'all-out' moments from them that inspired me? If they chose to reserve their run then what happened to the disappointments I saw on their face?

.. and.. what's the team's name? "Run, Koma Run"? What's that? They want to run or they want to comma, and passed-out?

Hmmm...

...see that?

Like I said, the view from top is always thorough enough, clear enough and wide enough, but it is never zoomed in enough. what do you see from a running event? I saw how people channel their passion along the running course; and what would you see in a runner of a running event? Never. We would never see what's inside them, we would never know what are they thinking while running -- but we know there's a drive -- a drive that make them lift up their leg and make another step forward, and forward, and forward; A drive, like the chubby boy ran for his father; A drive that could be out of a sense of achievement, out of pure self-tortured pleasures, out of a stupid passion, a drive that could also be out of friendship, out of brotherhood, out of a common belief of life that are shared.

..Perhaps it's the drive, that make them fly one day, and enjoy the borderless view from top..

From,
Someone who can fly

We turn lEft.

He used to be a man who only turns left, until one year ago, he approached a wishing well in the village.

The well is called emptiness, sitting in the corner of the village. The well can grant you whatever you wished for, with a trade of happiness.

That's what happened to the man who only turned left. He's now a man who can move normally after he made a wish one year back in front of the well, but he realized that he's not as happy as he was a year ago.

He approached the well again. "So you regretted?" Emptiness asked the man.

The man nodded. "Tell me why."

"My wife is leaving me.. and I'm not as happy as I was.."

"..and why is that?"

"I don't know what happened.. it's like when I could only turn left, everything was so precious for me.. I kissed my wife every time before I left my house, I greeted every people I met along the way, I praised every flower I saw at every corner -- because I knew I only could see them again after many times of turning left..."

".. and then what happened now? You can easily turn right and hug your wife if you miss her, you can easily turn right and smile at your friends, and you can easily turn right and pick up the flower you like -- this is what you wished for, no?" Emptiness sounded confused.

".. I thought so, but not really.."

".. because those things do not worth of a turning-back to appreciate?"

".. no. Because I don't appreciate them anymore when I know I can always turn right and turn back.."

"So you want your happiness back? It's going to make you back to abnormal -- you'll only turn left like days before -- are you sure?"

"We find happiness when we appreciate things around us, we'll always feel happy when we are grateful for things around us, right?"

"If you'd choose to be abnormal rather than to be convenient, then go, son, turn lEft, your wife is waiting for you at the next corner.." Emptiness did not want the conversation to continue. Something piercingly painful inside him.

We'll always feel happy when we are grateful for things around? Great. Emptiness thought to himself, isn't it sucking happiness from people make me gain happiness easily? Emptiness smirked, but at the same time his tears dropped down.

***************************************************************

'We turn lEft' footnote...

1. Welcome to the new theme of my little 'lEft nothing behind' blog --"We turn lEft"!! It doesn't have any significance philosophy behind this new theme (so.. don't worry!) , it's just for the sake of renewing my little space of blogging and renewing my view towards life (after the great self-discovering journey in Europe, perhaps? *gigle*) ..

2. The idea of the story of 'a man who only turns left' appeared in the midst of insomnia last night, and I actually tried 'only turn left' in my jog early this morning -- and you bet, it's terribly hard to get used to... hmmm...

3. I actually wanted too, to call for any other stories of 'a man who only turns left' from my fellow bloggers/ readers -- if you have thought of an interesting one, feel free to share it ok? It's going to be a very interesting thinking process to draft out the story of 'a man who only turns left' -- and I wished I could setup a competition with great prizes, but unfortunately I have no sponsors.. hehehe.. just, for the sake of sharing creativity and imaginations, give it a try, won't you? TQ.

It's time to learn standing up when falling down..

Today is the 3rd day after I bought my blue RollerBlade Crossfire, I called this cool guy 'Blu'Elf', How to pronounce it? Make it similar to 'Bluff' , why not?

Because he is so tricky and so confusing. Like a bluff.

He gives you all the excitements like flying , then he caused you fall. He wakes you up with all the pain and embarrassments, from all sorts of day-dream and fantasy.

I think I already fell in love with Blu'Elf, fell in love with sk8ing.. because Blu'Elf, and sk8ing, teaches me, at least at this particular moment, that I just need to stand up when fall down, again and again.

Picture at left: 'Wasabi Koma' sk8ers group.. Zana, Salmi, Rina, Fariz, Aiman. Sorry guys I made up the group name, it's like .. erm.. whatever.. hehehe..

Of course I'm disappointed for initially being offered a field trip in Argentina, then the opportunity was ripped off from me , only because of a less convincing reason. But, I just need to stand up and sk8 on. Life this is... and I'm entering the 27th year of mine, tomorrow.

As if no options.

Affendi and I missed sahur today.

The Imsak for our time zone here is around 4:51am and It was 5:06am when I jumped out of my warm blanket. A wake-up call to Affendi's cabin did not mean anything but to wake him up for his prayer at dawn.

Blearily sitting at the edge of my bed, I was struggling amongst some options: to sleep on or to wake up, and also, to eat or not to eat.

YES, I knew I've just missed the valid time for sahur, but not the breakfast time on vessel.

The breakfast is served at 5:30am to 6:30am daily, and it's a typical western breakfast, with crispy hash browns and sunny-side-up, my favourite.

All of a sudden I had another options: To fast, or not to fast. I mean I was worrying about my day on board without any meal to kick start with, so I could choose not to fast *JUST* on this particular day ----

---- I guess I was bleary and dopey and sleepy back then, because I almost made a decision that could ruin all my effort.

YES, maybe you're right. Being a non-Muslim, fasting in Ramadhan is always optional for me. BUT what's the point if you've decided putting a 100% effort to something you believe but you still have this reservation that saying "you maybe don't have to insist too much" on the so called belief?

It's just like we've embarked on a journey, and it's definitely not my way to turn back before the journey ends. Definitely not, not even a thought.

I felt painful somewhere in my head when I suddenly realized I was so close to fall into the muddy trap of my cupidity, my senseless desire. I left my bed and took a shower. I was hungry -- my last 'meal' was peach yogurt after gym last night; the fast-breaking meal before gym was probably burned out during work-out -- but I still had an operation to monitor, I needed to see my surveyor and geophysicist to discuss about the winch failure happened last night.

I still needed to work, and THAT was not optional for me, even though with an empty stomach. Life, as well, does not possess too much options most of the time. Sometime we just need to bear with the situation that we're in, even though the situation is harsh and cruel.

I'm grateful enough to be in a situation where I have LOTS of options, but the option I eventually chose, despite the flexibility that we should have all the times, would be 'as if no option'. What would you do if there's no any other options for you? Yes, we just face it with big heart and great determination, and full patience.

To all my friends who fast during Ramadhan, happy embracing the spirit of being patience and staying focus.

Ps.. Yet, there's a little option I got to choose: I swore to put my handset few steps away from my bed next time -- because it proved, again and again, that most of the time the alarm only woke my fingers up, not myself.

I am the captain of my dream.

"CPA stands for 'Closest Point of Approaching'," explained Captain Nils, "and this tugboat's CPA is only 0.7 nautical miles away from us. Starboard side, see that?"

My eye sight followed the direction where Capt. Nils pointed to. I saw a tiny point rocking in the rough sea, behind the tiny point was a bigger object. I could only saw them as a tugboat and a barge towed behind only by using a high power binocular. "Velvet II, I saw her name." I put down the binocular and responded to Capt. Nils.

My little assignment from Capt. Nils was to warn the tugboat to stay away from Atlantic Guardian, the vessel we're on, as he believed that the tugboat crew might not understand his warning in English after a few attempts.

"Tell them, In Malay, to stay away at least 1.0 nautical miles of CPA away from us, and let them know we're now having an operation and will sail toward their position soon... Do you know how to use a radio?" Capt. Nils handed me a phone -like radio, "press this one to talk and release it for the other side to respond." He instructed in his strong Norwegian accent.

I took the phone from him, nodded, looked at the monitor in front of me -- it showed that the 'identified target' was 0.6 nautical miles of CPA from us, and the time to closest point of approaching (TCPA) was 10.5 min. I composed my sentence in my mind, looking far to the rocking tiny point on the horizon, and pressed the release on the phone, "Velvet dua, Velvet dua, sini dari Atlantic Guardian......"

***************************************************

No, I do NOT make this up. It really happened TODAY, my 5th day on board of Atlantic Guardian. Even though we ended up got no response from Velvet II and we chose to avoid her eventually, but I could tell you that was one of the COOOLEST experience I had on board!!

Well I don't expect myself to repeat again what is 'my little sailing dream' about, I think I've put it in one of my post in this blog. This time round, the ship is certainly larger and also my vision to the other dream of myself. I mean, HOW ON EARTH I COULD IMAGINE MYSELF DOING WHAT A CAPTAIN DOES? Another thing is, this vessel is waaaaay too sophisticated compared to the dive boat I was on. Note the terminologies that I use here: I compare a VESSEL to a BOAT, period.

So, anything clinking your mind? There's a saying that I heard once upon a time from someone and I remember it well until today:

"Don't look for shortcuts to get what you dream for. Work your way step by step, live your life the fullest, and you'd never realize that your dreams is already on their way to look for you."

OK, I made the quote up.

Merci beaucoup!!

I have to read back what was my feeling like when I started to feel sentimental about this batch, this MSc. Programme, and this campus in my previous previous post in "We are FIRST BATCH" dated April 18.

The truth is, I never get wrong bout my feeling towards all these stuffs, even at this very end of our journey in UTP.

Maybe you can say that I am too much on exaggerating my feeling, well let me show you the way of seeing this:

-- I am more a grateful person rather than a sentimental one.

It is the gratefulness that pull all of my sentimental feeling out of my heart. No matter what my friends say about this batch, this programme and this campus, I will still insist that I have the coolest coursemates in FIRST-BATCH, study together in the most insightful MSc Programme, in the most beautiful and and fascinating campus of UTP.

Only gratefulness allows us to see beauty from ugly, realize love from hatred, live life the fullest from boredom.


Too many inexpressible gratitudes but all and all, allow me to express it sincerely with this one magic word:

Alhamdulillah.


Ps.. yes u're right, the "soaring and flying" jumping shot on top is so CLICHED but I believe this is how people will see our excitement of graduating, don't you?

Wake..

This is not to be considered an update of my blog, this is a wake-up.

My urge of paradigm shift, awoke;

My sense of photographing, after a disappointing dump during Mt Ledang trip, awoke;

My touch of living the life that I wished for, awoke.

My sight of capturing the beauty of everything, awoke.

Thanks to the daring spirit of Linkin Park's "Minutes To Midnight", their experimental tracks squeezes creativity from me;

Thanks to the 80s' beat of Maroon 5 's "It Won't Be Soon Before Long", their funky blend of pop and 'Bee Gees' triggers happiness;

Thanks to my fellow bloggers who support my 'Relay Blogging' project. This brand new blogging project will at least become a playground to kids like us to practice creativity. To all my readers who are reading this sentence, feel free to visit the blogspot of ULAM project, and we welcome you to become 'Simon' to our story, judge as brutal as you want.

... and, BIG BIG BIG THANKS, to Fariz, Roy, Mat-Ee, Hasfuan, J-Mir, and our little three brothers Zahir, Idin and Ayin. My another back-to-nature outing in Janda Baik right after my final exam, was certainly a rejuvenating one. Surely I'm gonna blog about it.. tonz of pictures are in the process of post-editing.

To Fariz, if you're reading this, I need the pictures from your camera too.

Gotta catch some Zzz, tomorrow will be another refreshing awake.

"..abandoned.." -- Nick'a 's debut.

There lay a kitty under the old tree, white in color. Uncombed fur was the only part of its body which shivered, the rest, lay peacefully and quietly as if the kitty was only sleeping, not dead.

I parked near the body, staring at it and hence its surrounding.. It was a quiet and silent afternoon, the leaves of the old trees scattered everywhere, obviously nobody cared to clean them up. I looked at the railway station in front of me, the sign board of "Stesen Keretapi Batu Gajah" looked pathetically pale and the whole building was severely flaked off here and there..

I was still sitting in the car. Loading my Nick'a with its battery and some setting. It was my first mission out with Nick'a and I only had a spot but not any threads of idea of shooting good pictures out of here..

.. but I did feel that there was this 'something something' which lay behind what I saw over here..the quietness, the silence, the loneliness.. no, I didn't really manage to capture that particular feeling that haunted me.. until I heard the rumble of a train approaching..

Train?

Absolutely it was. So long, so loud, I witnessed it with my eye, rumbling on the railway in front of the platform, approaching the station, the train gave the station 2 honks as if there were people waving from the platform, rumbling never stopped, nor slowed down, passing by, passing by, so long, so loud, passing by, passing by...... ......

...... ......

The noise slowing down as the train getting further and further away from the station until it was finally muted. The train just passed by the station, it didn't stop. Everything was back to as before -- the quietness, the silent, the loneliness.. but not the clueless me.

I was dazed. I was stunned. The whole 'something something' was all about a 'timeless' touch of this place... I got it..

...trains will just be passing by and it'll not define any meaning of a 'station'..
...as wind keeps flowing by but I don't feel any meaning of time...
...as the leaves kept falling but they were no more any sign of growing of the tree...
...as the body of kitty lying over there, it didn't anymore indicate that there was an end of a life...

... ... only time is dead; the kitty, the trees, the railway station, are abandoned.

I got back into the car and pulled out my handbook. "Abandoned" I wrote. The song of The Fray, "Vienna", started to play in my head, defining the mood so well..

I held Nick'a in my hand, switched it on, "No gorgeous debut, Nick'a." I kinda told him. Yes, we were going to shoot stuff that people left behind, no gorgeous, only sampah we shoot.

ps.. please check out the Tabblo of Nick'a 's debut "abandoned" by clicking the link below

See Tabblo of '...abandoned...'

Grey's anatomy: real life comes in shades of grey ..(II)

"I mean, seriously. Don't be fooled by all the hot shoes and the great sex and the no parents anywhere telling you what to do. Adulthood is responsibility. "

That was Grey's narration at the beginning of season one's Grey's Anatomy, episode 5: Shake Your Groove Thing. ..and the episode, really smeared some kind of feeling of invoked and touched, deep inside of me..

I still remember the day I cut my finger and was sent to a hospital in Bintulu, Sarawak. It was a government hospital and patients were asked to wait for treatment according to the urgency of the case. So as for my case, a tiny wound which needed 6 stitches, was considered 'less urgent' and I deserved a long wait after cleaning and sterilizing my cut.

Then a young man involved in a car accident was rushed into the hospital on a gurney. The wounded, hell bloody, shouting and crying, and his friends begging in tears, explaining what had happened to their friend to nurses and doctor -- the scenario, all and all, indicated there was a 'high urgency' case that demanding immediate treatment.

But, surprisingly, none of the personnel did that.

Yeah, my first thought after observing this was exactly the same to what comes into your mind at this moment: "what da shit hell these people are doing???"

..but then I heard something that really shocked me and, to certain extent, changed my perspective to a word that I've known it for such a long time, but now I was about to start to feel and realize it:

responsibility.

We know good enough that everybody, which including ourselves, has their own responsibilities, but when things happens, we only see other people's.

Like the case I saw in the hospital, I thought nurses and doctors were those holding full responsibilities to stop the wounded from suffering.. until a nurse shouted at the crying young man, in Iban language, which meant something like "it's your own pain, you caused it by yourself."

Suffering from our own pain, bearing our own mistake, crying on our own fault, feeling heart-torn about our regret...all, are our own responsibilities. She was right.

That was why personnel in the hospital acted 'not efficient enough', .... so that he could feel his pain, he could suffer from his mistake, before he really got treated surgically.

Well, things are sometime not mercy enough. Life isn't about a fairy tale.

Helps and cares sometime do not show up instant enough, because so-called 'after-treatment appreciation' is always the most valuable, where we really learn to be more matured, learn to be more considerate, and learn to be more responsible.

..but, if you are thinking that I am giving alibi or excuses, I will only say, that it is the perspective that matters. The bottom line is, don't blame any other people.


Ey, hoping someone will understand.
25 Jan 2006... 1829hrs.. hometown.

Grey's anatomy: real life comes in shades of grey ..(I)

I was surprised when seeing Sandra Oh of Grey's Anatomy won The Best Supposting Actress for the series in 63rd Annual Golden Globe Awards. In fact, I'd never thought of seeing 'Grey's Anatomy' listed in any winners' list in any categories.. ..

Not to say that Grey's Anatomy is a poor production for me that it does not deserve to win any prizes... Instead, I am addicted to the series, so much, more than Smallville and Lost. But what came to my surprise was, that Grey's Anatomy is, for me, a close-to-heart story that you'd never expect it will be put under the limelight, on a grand stage one day.

....the feeling is just like a little toy that you are very fond of, is actually a pearl or somekind of treasure which u did not expect..

......."Grey's Anatomy focuses on young people struggling to be doctors and doctors struggling to stay human. It's the drama and intensity of medical training mixed with the funny, sexy, painful lives of interns who are about to discover that neither medicine nor relationships can be defined in black and white.."...

My buddy Pesal introduced the series to me, and after that I knew why a pious rocker like him can be so addicted to the show as well.

The show is all about life.. where our faith, our responsibilities, our dilemma, our emotions, our steps when facing the morass of life, and our relationships with people around us, were all put together.. .. and the more you wish to deal with it wisely, the more you'll discover, that life is not about right or wrong, black and white. Real life comes in shades of grey.

eY, feeling to write something inspired by Grey's Anatomy; 24 Jan 2006.. 1353hrs, office

ps.. Grey's Anatomy is curently on air every wednesday 11:00pm on TV3.