Zone?

A young reader of this blog send an email to me and this is her little request:

"Can you please elaborate more on a comfortable zone? does it mean that we should not just satisfy with current situation, have to explore more?

I would like to read your blog about this ..if you are free to write.. thank you ^^ "

I thank her for the email, although I don't really understand why she chose me to be referred to such a question. If the email dropped into my mailbox years earlier, I might have quoted some saying about being 'adventurous', and telling her that getting out from your mama's embrace and yada yada, end up arrogantly writing a lengthy notes showing off my belief , but not now -- --

-- now, I'm rather worried and perhaps careful to answer her request.

-- cuz' you could ruin someone's life if that person take your advice in a very superficial way. And I dare not do that.

Going out from a comfortable zone can be extremely disturbing, to the extent of heart-tearing and it can crumble you down into pieces at any time. But there's one thing about getting uncomfortable despite of all the fears and insecurities -- You just need a drive. A strong drive.

A strong, strong drive, called 'Faith'.

We all are children of God, and we all are meant to shine according to God's will. Stayed surrounded by everything that you are familiar to, and stayed pampered by the feeling of secured will not help you to see God's will.

Let's try think in this way: God created us and God created the world far bigger than where we stand, isn't His will that want us to go out and explore, and ultimately found the reason to shine?

.. Yes I know, my 'answer' does not really help to explain what the young reader wants to know -- and in fact, I don't really intend to give any answer or advices. I still have to say, that none of us know what's outside our comfortable zone and none of us wouldn't feel terrified when challenges come -- None. It's you who will decide and chose your own path --

-- so if you're not sure, please stay, until you perceive that ultimate vision, God willing.

Mirror talk.

We’ve seen a lot of classy hotels that provide lifts with mirror inside, but have you ever thought about the function of those mirrors?

Well, some might say it’s another cliché interior design which have been copied-cat over and over again in most of the hotels;

..and, maybe some might say it gives that little lift a roomy and spacious feel by putting the mirrors inside;

..erm, some might say it’s a little friendly touch provided by the hotels for their guests, in order to check their appearance before going out of the lift and meeting somebody important in lobby..;

.. some might even say it’s something about Feng-Shui or perhaps a ‘Ghostbuster’ trick.. etc etc etc.

So what say you?

Mirrors inside a lift are put up for a reason. It’s for the sake of conveniences of our wheel-chaired friends, so that they don’t have to turn around, and still be able to keep an eye on the level of the lift which would appear on the digital board near the entrance.

Most of the time we think and speak and act on behalf of ourselves, sometime we just have to re-look things from somebody else’s perspective, and every time –every minutes and every seconds -- is the time to quit egoism and quit being self-centered.

Thousand islands. thousand sunshines..

Pictures explain thousands words. True -- so I'm not going to say more than 1000 words here to explain how cozy my recent 'geological field trip' was in Pulau Seribu, Indonesia, especially when ONE WHOLE ISLAND is only 15 of us -- just imagine, or if you can't, click here to visit Fatma's blog, or just click down there to look at my Tabblo.

The day I was snorkeling among the thousands islands, a blue star fish greeted me, and he said, "hey biggie.. swim away, I'm enjoying the sun shine.. and why are u floating? Star fishes are not supposed to float like u.. " ... Here to see my tabblo.

Hello Aiman from Spider -- A letter from Tahan..

Dear Aiman,

Hello, and congratulation, for the journey -- yup, the journey... the journey that you've promised and you've dreamed for.

Remember the unrecorded resolution for 2009 you told me at the beginning of the year? Well it's unrecorded because it's 'unconventional'. :) .. so can I reveal, for the sake of a record, now?

You did not resolve for any oversea trips this year -- which was not a typical you; you did not resolve 'to read such and such books by the end of the year'; you did not resolve to do anything for your photography hobby ...

-- instead, your new year resolution was a simple, yet heavy, in your case.

"It is a journey," you said, when we sat down face to face at the start of year 2009. And I smiled, and asked, "a journey far, far away?" then we immediately let silence conquered our conversation. It was the silence of sigh - both of us have no idea on how to get there by then, but deep inside I had trust on you -- I knew you'll embark on the journey one day, I just knew.

.. and look, here you are, with a sack on your back -- packed with lots of love and blessings from your brothers and sisters, packed with all your determinations and sacrifices, and most importantly, packed with the responsibilities, the obligations, the belief and the faith -- you are standing on the beginning of the journey.

Yup, the journey.

... and dear Aiman,

I believe you too witnessed the same thing I observed, about how The Almighty Him lays the

route of your journey. Yes -- it was you and the gang of KOMA planned the Gunung Tahan Expedition, but did you expect anything that God's given to you during your almost 1-week stay in the heart of Tahan Mountain Range?

The scenery, the people, the ambience, the 'untold' stories, and those little miracles you witnessed here and there during trekking -- praise to God, I somehow see this expedition as an real induction for you to enter the whole new world of Him.

Tell me more about the miracles you saw in Gunung Tahan, please. I know you did see something, and you've problem expressing it to others, so sometimes you chose to weep quietly when you were walking alone in the troop.

..and don't worry Aiman, you wept not because of the toughness of the condition, but it's the miracle

s -- the instant answers of God to your prayers -- that moved you to tears.. I understand, as I understand what are you whispering about during jungle trekking, as I understand how meaningful the Tahan Expedition is for you.

(..but still, give me every details about the miracles, please... *wink wink* )

Aiman,

You received angah's welcome-back sms when 18 of you finally touched down in Kuala Tahan. I hope you still remember that kind message from him.

"You will appreciate more things from now on.."

I truly agree with him, Aiman, and in fact, I witnessed the bond of the brotherhood and sisterhood of KOMA are up-leveled. So Aiman, always -- I mean always and always and always remember the feeling of guilty you had in any moments of you letting them down, because you owe them too much, way way way too much.

I truly believe Tahan Expedition was a great beginning for your great great journey ahead, and I shall congratulate you for your Gunung Tahan expedition, and congrats again for finally embarking on the journey that was listed as your 2009's resolution --

--hey pinch yourself, it's NOT anymore a resolution, it's NOT anymore a dream -- you're stepping on the path of the journey now, the journey that you always wanted for years, the journey that bring you close to God.

Congratulations.

Love from Tahan,

Spider

What's your story? - My 1st Gunung Tahan XPDC.

The moment I realized that I was already missing Gunung Tahan, I secretly made a wish that I'm going to come back here, someday.

To be very frank I whispered a lot in this expedition -- I whispered during trekking, I whispered during the time when I was not singing with the troop, I whispered during the time when I woke up 4:30am in most of the morning and 'ignorantly' and 'stupidly' do things alone in the midst of the jungle..

(I apologize for being stubborn and foolish for putting myself in such a danger of moving alone in the deep darkness..)

... but.. I couldn't explain to you how it was really like that made me keep on whispering. Well if I'm not too exaggerating here, I would say it felt like somebody's listening carefully to you, looking straight into your eye and nodding his/her head when you talk...

I've never felt so close to this 'somebody' before..

Then one fine day I recalled that a big brother of mine left a comment in my blog post titled "Muted in silence", where he said,

"God will always be watching your back.. just continue talking and asking... God will talk back to you in its own mysterious way... but you'll figure it out..."

Yes, I have figured out..

Praise to God Almighty, I visited Gunung Tahan with a brand new me. When the meaning of a reborn is so significance, the trails and paths in the jungle of the mountain range somehow became symbolic, and I felt Him walk by me, all the time, in Tahan..

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-- The day when I was on my rushing pace -- together with Daus, Coco and Amie -- moving toward the campsite on Botak, few kms before the peak of Gunung Tahan, the scenery took my breath away;

-- The day when 18 of us heading to Kem Gedong via the winding road on the backbone of Tahan mountain range, the splendour of the view made me officially falling in love..;

-- The day when we stood on the peak of Gunung Tahan and the moment when the fog dispersed, I felt a feeling that was used to be described in a poem, somewhere..

... but -- it's not all about the magnificence of the scenery that made people enchanted and keep on coming back here regardless of the toughness and harshness of the trail, I believe..

..it's more about the story, the story that happened between oneself and the mountains.

The moment I realized that I was already missing Gunung Tahan, I secretly made a wish that I'm going to come back here, someday, just because of the story that happened to me while I was in deep inside the heart of the mountains...

..and I've told you mine, what's your story?

When tomorrow turns today..

Today I found myself pushing my body out from the mushy mud, tomorrow I'll clean myself and stand on firm ground;

Today I saw light at the end of the darkness, tomorrow I see me running towards the light, though it's tiny, but it's true.. ;

Today I was on my bended knee asking for God's forgiveness and permission, tomorrow I see me standing in front of the door, with a handful of love I received..

Today I hugged and kissed my brothers and we broke into tears of joy and love, tomorrow I see me walking with them, to the greatest journey that I'm about to embark..

Today I celebrated a rebirth, tomorrow I'll make my 1st step as a new born, carefully, and fearlessly.

When tomorrow turns today, I'll hold on my strength, and don't stop me from shedding my tears when I receive your love -- It's the tears of joy, and faith.

To my dearest, dearest brothers and sisters.. syukran.

Happy happy happy (re)birthday to me...

"..You know you are not alone..." she said this after a few seconds of silence, but it sounded so helpless.

Over the phone, he who already got tears flushed in the eye, laughed out loud, "I know I'm not -- of course I'm NOT alone! Hey we've just had fun laughing and dancing together, I enjoyed the company.. Hahaha!!"

Ha.ha..ha..-- an awkward silence ensued before her voice to be heard again in the phone, "..please... talk to us -- let us know what you feel, or we can't help..." she pleaded, "...none of us went through this, we need you to talk to us..."

"I'm fine.. don't worry.." His reply sounded lot emptier than the empty room after the party..

*********************************************

"My left hand is a cat, and my right hand is a touch with healing power.." -- Rebirth, 1st track in "Immortal", Cheer's latest album. He bought this album from a music store, a place he has been eagerly craving for to be in.

He knows the mechanism of sadness and loneliness -- these two elements always look for recognition from outside, through sharing, through talking, through understanding. But when the sharing the talking and the understanding are blocked, it's music store and book store that he would turn to -- where various moods are sold on the rack, various 'recognitions' are packed and sealed, you pick, you pay, and you go.

It's a cheap way of self -healing. Cheap, and superfacial, but somehow, it works.

Like his right hand touching his heart-broken cat on his left hand, the healing works, somehow..

***********************************************************

"The fear makes me shiver with tears in the middle of many sleepless nights, the fear frightens me whenever an sms sent in or a phone call dialed in, the fear that smears so deep into me that it controls all my emotions when I'm alone... -- will you understand all these feelings? Will you understand the dilemma between switching off your phone to cut off from the reality, and let

your phone switched on to make sure you'd still receive calls and sms from friends to remind you that they're still around? Will you understand the pain when any slight sense of loosing hits you out of any tiny reason? Will you understand the pressure to stop tears from spilling when you are alone inside a train, in a meeting, in front of workstation, on a street and even in front of your closest friends? Will you understand the desperation of running away from everything, and leave everything behind?

Will you understand how you realize you love your friends and you don't want them to listen to all these? Will you understand?

..will you?"

.....

No she did not listen to all these. The phone was hung up. The only one who listened, was he himself, and perhaps God -- perhaps, cuz he never knew how to talk to God, though he always desperately wanted to...

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Nobody in this world would forget their own birthday, nor ignore it. Hence, counting down to one's own birthday is inevitable.

The album 'Immortal' is a birthday gift for himself, although he knows that's not any greatest and proudest birthday gift -- most probably, the coming birthday wouldn't be the greatest nor the proudest one.

...counting down to this birthday, is like zooming into a fear, a fear of known and more unknowns..

He returned to his empty world after the phone. Feeling sorry about her, and everyone who cares..

"How would we understand if you just keep all those to yourself?" was her last question..

I'm sorry, I just hate to be a looser, I just hate being fragile, I just hate to be pitied, I just hate to be a burden to all I love..

He double clicked Track 1 on his player, flipping through the booklet of 'Immortal', he found a footnote about the album, printed on the last page:

"..to all sorrowful soul.."

He couldn't help but to hold both his hands together.. "...my left hand is a cat, and my right hand is a touch with healing power..." Cheer sang from his player. He fell on his knee...