split|ting me...

Man: "..I think I failed... I even lost something I didn't expect initially..."

Spider: "I think I did worse... been working so hard but I am just plain inefficient.. what did you lose by the way?"

lEfty: "..He lost his ability to share how he feels.. all his words gone.. sigh.... why is everything getting tougher as we thought it'll be going fine? I lost my heart in the middle of my task, and I couldn't find it now.... "

Me: ".. perhaps we are wrong... it's a mistake for us to be splitted and then we become companions for each other among us.... like this ...."

sigh..

The curious case of the disloyal order and the disorder loyal of a writing bug in a disturbed mind..

(There comes November, prescribing a death penalty onto my blog posts for October.. )

(... and I apologize to those who waited. In fact I'm surprised and thankful to know that there are actually people waiting.)

Yes, my writing paused. It just jammed like the photocopier in my office. And when I thought I was stuck because of the chaos in my life throughout the month of October, a friend of mine came to me and ask a simple question:

"Can I look at what's in ur pocket?"

There's a little notebook inside my pocket. I do a lot of drafting and quick jotting inside it. But lately, it's filled with sketches.

... hence I realized, I wasn't stuck, I was just unintentionally switching to another way of expression -- I don't write, but I sketch -- in the middle of a wait, inside LRT, after-work walking alone, midnight awake -- whenever I'm alone, whenever the disorder state of emotion haunts me, whenever a heavy press of my pen onto the paper or a random line helps in expressing my desperation or chaos better than words.

Post-post note....

"You don't seem OK..." She gave the notebook back to me after flipping through it..

"I'm OK.." I smiled, kind of regret for lending her the notebook.

".. a spider's killer instinct is actually its self-protection... for they got hurt, they get defensive... I understand where you are coming from... " she explained.

I was stunned.

".. but don't build up the walls around you... " she continued.

I was stunned.

Thank you, Shunza.

With or without..

With or without,

with or without,

with or without,

with or without

u.

White Water Rafting: Sg. Sedim, Kulim.

With fresh and rapid and swift and #$%&*# water;

Without high-up climb but straight down dive.

With insanity.

Mountaineering: Mt. Sweetenham, Cameron Highland.

With fresh and moisture and chill-to-your-lung air;

Without water -- no, not even a little tiny drain.

With insanity.

White Water Rafting: Sg. Sedim, Kulim.

With the meaning of 'Reunion' for old+new KOMAites;

Without the full understanding of what 'World's 6th toughness' mean.

With fun.

Mountaineering: Mt. Sweetenhem, Cameron Highland.

With the meaning of 'Induction' for new KOMAites;

Without having any idea about the mountain, actualy... huhu..

With fun.

White Water Rafting: Sg. Sedim, Kulim.

With only scream and shout and yell and moan;

Without singing except 'Pulang, marilah pulang, marilah pulang, bersama-sama.."

With laughter.

Mountaineering: Mt. Sweetenhem, Cameron Highland.

With (bi)siiiiingiiiiiiiiiiiing, also moan and shouting;

Without giving up or cry-baby-cry from newbies

KOMAites. (Well done!)

With laughter.

White Water Rafting: Sg. Sedim, Kulim.

With 210% energy in me, for an unknown reason;

Without kia-si (Singaporean local Hokkien: kia - takut; si - mati..) in me... (although there was an almost 'si' moment..)

With adrenalin rush and mental psycho.

Mountaineering: Mt. Sweetenhem, Cameron Highland.

With -10% energy in me, for a known reason;

Without any patience and control in me, on tackling this mountain.. (failed.. big time..)

With mental psycho.

White Water Rafting: Sg. Sedim, Kulim.

With Angah, my big brother and KOMAotai, after months of 'outdoor fasting' in his new office;

Without PapaJai, although he was physically not 'floating' as he usually be.

With parental control. (oops..)

Mountaineering: Mt. Sweetenhem, Cameron Highland.

With PapaJai, my big brother and KOMAotai, after weeks of 'quarantined' offshore;

Without Angah, who was using up his monthly permit from his maharani.. (one minutes of silence, please..)

With parental control... (double opps..)

White Water Rafting: Sg. Sedim, Kulim.

With Daus my twin - hey dude finaly we get outdooring again!

Without lari-lari dalam hutan -- well of course not, we only rempit-rempit atas jeram jer!!

With newcomer Marikh Boy Kerel stealing away hanuman's limelight. (Blueek!)

Mountaineering: Mt. Sweetenhem, Cameron Highland.

With lari-lari dalam hutan -- this time with Zana the Iron Lady, so I was guaranteed not to be scolded!

Without Daus, but still with Ijoi the Mr 'No x5', laughing from bottom to top then back bottom of the mountain.

With newcomer Mek Dila stealing away Huda's limelight. (Blueek!)

White Water Rafting: Sg. Sedim, Kulim.

With a lot of durians and rambutans to feast;

Without mohawk or sweeper or porter to help to carry your OWN stuff including your own TRANSPORTATION..

With smile in pain.

Mountaineering: Mt. Sweetenhem, Cameron Highland.

With mohawk AND sweeper AND kura-kura sakti to carry stuff for you;

Without durians but only duri (thorns), but with post-mountain ABC promised.. (not bad..)..

With smile in pain (when hooked by thorn on your forehead..)

With KOMA's flag: komane banderuola.

Without compromise.

With family.

Without question.

(Without birth control/ family planning intention at all..)

(ahaks!)

We are FIRST BATCH.

No I'm still alive and not drowned in the lonely and 'abandoned' feeling. In fact, life has been quite busy after my last post in my blog. I dun know whether I define 'Busy' correctly or not -- it's more like a feeling of 'Time is running out'..

Yeah, time is running out. That's the right word to describe my feeling recently. As the MSc programme I'm in now is approaching the final few months, everything I do in this campus is sort of having some sentimental touch attached, and ..I am naming every corner of this campus where I used to spend my time at: Monkey Bar, Suicide Garden, Doraemon Park, Chromatography Lap, Moist Trail, and the number of new names are growing fast recently..

Well maybe some of my coursemates wouldn't agree with my sentimental feeling at all. *smile*.. yeah, no doubt, there were some disappointments or maybe ugly things happened during the time we spend together.. but, we lost faith on something but on the other hand we found firmer belief towards something else -- this is how I see the hardest moment happened around.

This is an unconventional MSc. Programme. A senior in my office pointed out this before he agreed me to enter the door of this non-conventional study. Now his word proved. How 'unconventional' this MSc. Programme is, now I realized, and I learnt.

... and the 'unconventionality' becomes more critical when it's the first batch. The first batch, the specimens, the guinea pigs, the white mice -- these are all the complaints we had early this course, oh well maybe the complaints are still going on; but I started to see the privilege of being first batch, as I started to see how the unconventionality has changed my view toward so many things in my life.

Oh yeah the two pictures shown in this post are the designs for the T-shirt of the first batch of UTP-IFP MSc. Petroleum Geoscience Programme.

I decided firmly to have a T-shirt for this special batch, despite of all the ups and downs during the duration of our study and the not-so-up-to-basic-standard 'art-work' design. The Gothics concept of the design is actualy my direct appreciation to the unconventionality of this MSc. programme, and this first batch, and adaptation to the latest trend of design nowadays; while the tag-line "To become master or monster.. we decide" is my direct shout-back to the management that expects us -- the 'chosen' 1st batch student of this programme -- to be excelling.

I don't expect others to appreciate the meaning behind the design, likewise, I don't expect everyone of 1st batch to bear the same passion I have especially after some crash-boom-bang happened around. I'm glad that many of us like the design, and I hope that, whether each of the 1st-batch choose to wear or not to wear this T, they will still be proud of being the very first batch of the programme.