Feb 25, 2009

How about individual?

15 February, 2009. Milo-Power-MSSMKL-POAWPKL Lake Garden Cross Country Run. Koma Runners team 'Run, Koma Run' 1st ever individual race.
I was worried. As a beginner, I trust the power of 'team motivation' so much, and realy couldn't imagine how I have to race against my buddies.

Being involved in many (many many) running events, Daus seemed composed as he also be, and indifferent toward runnig individually. Wan and Adam, by the way, have diffrent says on individual race, but both led to one same conclusion.
Wan said,"I feel relax to think of running on my own pace.." he thinks he's going to enjoy the run without peer-pressure;
while Adam, feeling worried about his leg's condition, claimed in relief, "I feel no-guilty if my leg has to slow me down.." he thinks he's going to take his time struggling with his condition, without holding back the rest of us.

-- well, it seemed like I was the only one who was worried like a kindergarten school kid entering classroom for his first time. And whatever it is, flag-off there was, and almost 400 runners in Men's Open category rushed for the next 8km in Lake Garden.

I still could recall the moment just before the flag-off, Wan, at his usual optimistic and high-spirited tone, announcing something about our ultimate target for this race: The finisher medal.

"Hey you know what? Only FIRST 100 finishers will receive the finisher medal," and he added, "well you guys just go ahead....Hehehe.."

Now, again, the scenario's back to 'individual'. wan was obviously quiting from the hunt for the Top-100 Finisher Medals -- in fact, he managed to switched his new target to 'Finish the 8km within 1 hour"; while Adam was still worried about his leg's condition, at the same time announcing that he'll be following me (that's creepy..); and Daus, according to his blog after the race, he was mentally disturbed by the limited finisher medals; and me? I looked down to my left back-hand, where 5 disordered letters written on: 'f' - 'o' - 'c' - 'u' - 's'.

--- but I seriously did not know what to focus on right then.

The 8km distance covers more than 3 uphills and a little part of crossing a forest in the midst of KL (that made the race qualified as a 'cross-country' race I guess..) -- And most of the time I was running with my buddy Daus. OK, fair enough, individual race, my pace setting, my breathing, my mental, my focus -- all elements during a run -- were all on myself, but I still choose to keep my pace up with Daus'. Hey it's always good to have someone to run with, at least a standard for me to recheck my own run, right?

I thank Daus for the moral support and the talking PLUS the 'on-the-run' jokes whenever we ran side by side. I lost him everytime we approached an uphill portions but soon enough he caught me up again, then he continued his talking and jokes. I think he became part of the reason for me to start chill out during the run.


OK I quit using my usual dramatic tone in writing this post if you noticed. Recalling this race somehow reminds me a very leisure and relax afternoon, perhaps having a cup of coffee with good friends. Probably it was the smooth and good feeling that smear.

The race in Lake Gardem, my 1st individual race, ends up become my best running race so far. It was not due to the 'me running individual' factor, instead, it's about 'many individuals running together; and running for our OWN target.

I finished the race at 59th, Daus at 69th. Wan managed to finish his run within 1 hour, and Adam had to slow down his pace to really deal with his not-so-good leg condition.

We thank Ijoi and Nurin for coming with us and helped out here and there. It's always good to know that there's somebody waiting at the finishing line when you are on the run -- like always. :)

Oh yeah before I end, 'Run, Koma Run' has a new member: Adam 'Charming' Naughty.Thank you for joining bro -- dah cukup quota dah utk lari relay empat orang.. hehehe!

Feb 14, 2009

muted in silence.. (I would say..)

Hold on, hold on -- You sure you are going to tell them all?
It has been left.. untold.. for such a long time...

Yes. I'm going to reveal it -- not all of it, but most of it --but it's still up to them to pick it up.

Hmmm... so.. which one are you going to start with?

Hmm.. start from recent, shall we?

It's up to you....

OK.. let's start.. I would say "I'm sorry. The joke was on purpose. I wanna see how you care about me, as I don't trust myself was being really cared about by you... I was just being unsecured, and less-confident... please forgive me.."

To who?

To a text message that said "It's not funny n u shud know wen 2 stop dat stupid joke"....

Why did you leave it untold?

...cuz it sounds like a looser.

Well, indeed. And that's a lousy start. What's next?

I would say "I'm not fine, not at all. I'm struggling with my past and I keep on loosing; I hate myself for being indecisive, and being a big looser in standing up for what I really want for myself....."

Sounds fuzzy.. and this is to ..?

To a bunch of good friends who witnessed how I crumbled and fell apart into fragments..

..you should just let them know how you feel -- that's good friends for.

It was untold -- cuz it sounds like a promise, and I don't want to promise something that I can't even promise myself....

Hmmm.... next.

I would say "Please help me to lock my courage and my strength and my optimistic vision that I gained every morning, let me have all of them until mid day, until night; let these hopes guide me in making the decision, and taking the ultimate move.."

OK -- now this is fuzzier and confusing.. to whom you wish to reveal this to..?

To God.

Why didn't you just tell then?

..cuz I'd never know whether he's listening...

Don't cry.
No, I'm not.

You bet. Ok go on -- what's next?

I would say "Don't worry.. Nothing will change, I promise; My love to you, my devotion to you -- all will stay the same like before.. I promise.."


My family..

Then why you'd never said it?

Cuz it's painful.

Don't cry.

Hey stupid I'm not.

Fine. Next.


Ting Tong.. Anybody home?

We'd better stop here. *sign out*

*sign out*

Feb 4, 2009

On my bended knees

I'm on my bended knees, thanking, and praying for the bridge to come....

I wish I could see how it built, so that I could stack some bricks. Across the strait, I see my dearest brothers and sisters waving -- my dear whom they could always make me calm from fears, my dear whom they could always make me calm in tears.. 

I wish I could see how it built, so that I could prepare myself for the day to come. The Azan calls from the west bank, I'm standing east. The sun rises and my shadow is already there.

I wish I could see how it built, I wish I could see how it built; cuz I see my path laid out after the bridge, cuz I see the little town of my life lit up with every lights, across the strait.

I'm on my bended knees, thanking -- to my brothers and sisters who help me to see, to listen, to perceive, and to pray...

I'm on my bended knees, listening to the fear of letting them down, wishing for a strength to raise myself up, 

I'm on my bended knees, praying, for the bridge to come.... 

~~ to all my best friends ~~