My Ruku' & Sujud..

I just realized that I always got something to say in every Ramadhan.

In 2006, I perceived Ramadhan as an endurance test, hence I wrote this;

in 2007, I celebrated Ramadhan on a Norwegian vessel, and had a thought about self-discipline, hence I wrote this;

in 2008, I came back from my Europe grand tour, with the musing from the tour I celebrated Ramadhan with a perception of faith, hence I wrote this.

In 2009, I entered Ramadhan with a new breath... and I find myself speechless.

Ramadhan doesn't feel the same anymore.

Too many things happened on me in this Ramadhan. I almost lost my hope in front of a musibah, I lost patience on my stupidity and inadequacy, I lost my temper and threw it to my dear brothers, I broke down and crumbled in front of God;

..but then, things changed. Along with my prayers, my ruku', my sujud, my re-composed belief towards Qada' and Qadar, things changed slowly in the same Ramadhan.

When I look back, this Ramadhan doesn't feel the same anymore -- when all about you before was shredded off, and all about you previously was redefined, what left behind is a naked core... the one you have nothing to hide but to face all your weaknesses, the one that will make you shamefully fallen on your knee, to ask for forgiveness from The Almighty..

This Ramadhan taught me the meaning of bertaqwa;

This Ramadhan offers me a month of self reflection, a month of inner self cleansing..

.. but it's just me being too dumb-witted, not picking up any drops of holiness of Ramadhan, but wasted, day after day, this only-one-month holy month.

When Ramadhan is approaching to its end, I find my desperation worsened -- I'm still on my way searching for the true meaning of Ramadhan, I still find myself stuck in a pressing urge when realizing my inadequacy in reciting Quran, I still failed here and there when come to bertaqwa, I still have the deep guilt-feel to think of my dosa...... -- but when Ramadhan is approaching to its end, missing any Terawih, or even a thought of missing one night of Terawih makes me feel guilty; loosing focus in my prayers makes me feel guilty; loosing grip on my Taqwa and patience makes me feel guilty; fall into the trap of desires makes me feel guilty....

Perhaps yesterday I was only a passenger walked by the door, hoping I could have a glance at what's behind it, and I thought I've learned well by peeping through the keyhole;

Today when I walked into the door of Ramadhan, my heart shivers and I'm blank baffled. There're more than what I thought I've learned, there're much heavier than what I thought I've enjoyed, and there're more sweetness than the fasting pain that I thought I've borne with..

Ramadhan doesn't feel the same anymore. My ruku' and sujud wouldn't feel the same anymore..

A true love: Connecting Austria

"The Mozart's concert in Palaiz Aungsberg did not get me bored,

it was me not paying attention on them....
some questions kept bothering me throughout the concert:
What do I see from Austria?
What do I learn from Austria?
.. definitely, Austria do not teach me how to appreciate classical music,
not that for sure..."

-- 5 August, 2008,
Vienna time: 2308 hrs; M'sia time: 0508 hrs (6 Aug.)
Wombat The Base, Vienna.

At this point of time, I still miss Austria.

Especially in the month of Ramadhan, I appreciate what Salzburg and Vienna gave me during my trip to Austria.

What Austria gave me, was a reason for being who I am and what I am now, a reason for holding my faith.

This year's Ramadhan, I need to be more and more mentally prepared than of previous years, to stay firm on what I believed so far about fasting together with all my Muslim friends during the holy month of Ramadhan.

This year, I received quite a frequent of unexpected discouragements from people around me -- from people whom I know so well, to people whom I don't know at all. And that was really pathetic and sad, and to be frank, those critics really let me down, for not even once.

Maybe this is what my Muslim friends mean by the dugaan, the challenges, that happened during this holy month -- it's a test from The Almighty -- so we have to stay strong. I used to perceived my fasting month as an endurance test, but this time I think it involves faith as well...

..and thank to Austria that helped me in keeping my faith.

Autria is no doubt a beautiful and charming country, but what made me so deeply fell in love with her, was not simply due to its beauty and charm. I wrote something like this in my journal during my wander in this country:

"It is the fine and classy touch that define Salzburg's grace; It's the deluxe and royal aura that define Vienna's elegance; it's something beneath those splendour that define the atmosphere of Austria... but what is it?"

What is it?

I insisted to rush to Mozarthaus Vienna despite of the very tight hours we had before departure of our train at 1300 hrs to Praha, Czech Republic.

Mozarthaus Vienna is the apartment that rented by Mozart Wolfgang after he moved from Salzburg to Vienna in year 1784. We visited his house in Salzburg and learned some of his biography, but I still thought I needed to visit the apartment where he stayed in during his years of greatest achievement.

In fact, I was still looking for the answer about what's in Austria that made me felt so connected, after visiting the magnificent fortress of Festung Hubensburg in Salzburg, listening to the story of Emperess Elizabeth (Sisi), Emperor Franz Joseph and Duke Rudolf from their palace.

Rina, Amir and I had a rushing tour scanning the apartment, but that was already enough for me to realize the common thing between Mozart Wolfgang, Emperor Franz Joseph, Emperess Elizabeth, Duke Rodulf and I.

When one of my colleague in my office questioned me about my intention of fasting, I was shut up by the way he asked. I did not answer his question properly because I did not think I needed to. "Just call me a maverick, sir," I told him in my heart.

My sister calls me a maverick, my aunties and uncles in my backyard call me a maverick, my friends in my hometown call me a maverick, my parents sometime shook their head and thought I'm a maverick...

Mozart Wolfgang was considered a maverick during his days and all his friends and family abandoned him.. He loved the see things in differently, to the extent of writing his masterpieces in the way of mirror image..

Emperor Franz Joseph was a maverick and he executed a lot of unusual policies when he ruled the country;

Emperess Elizabeth was a maverick. She was considered a rebel in the palace after she got married wih Emperor Franza Joseph, and she took an unusual step to set off a journey of her life..

Duke Rudolf was a maverick who fell in the dilemma of fighting against his royal family with the people of Austria and staying with his own royal family. Duke Rudolf ended his life by committed suicide with his love.

The moment I left Austria, it was not Mozart's any piece of classical music that played in my head. It was a song sang by The Fray instead. A song that pulled my attention to Vienna, a song that inspired me to shot the photo set themed "The Abandoned", a song that hold my blues, a song that made me come to Austria..

A song titled "Vienna"..

"There's no way to reach me
There's no way to reach me
There's no way to reach me
Am I already gone?
This is your maverick
This is Vienna.."

ps..: I-dun-know-what-kind-of-detail-do-u-want detail:

1. The official language in Austria is German.

2. The train Salzburg to Vienna (Wien) will take around 3 hours ride, and cost around 30++ Euro.

3. Purchase a Salzbrug Card at around 24 Euro per pax and gain access to all public transport and places of interesting including Festung Hubensberg, the castle that MUST VISIT when you are in Salzburg.

4. Vienna Card/ Wien Card, however, only gives you discounted price to enter some interesting places and free ride to public transport. So if you don't intend to visit the palaces/ museums of Vienna, you can just purchase a normal ravel card that gives you 24 hours / 48 hours free ride on public transports.

5. If you have a valid student card or International Student Identity Card (ISIC), that would work like a Vienna Card in order to gain discount on entrance fee!

6. Highly recommend to lodge in Wombat City Hostels. Wombat Vienna The Base and Wombat Vienna The Louge provide two diffrent choices of Wombat Hostels with two different atmosphere. In short, The Base is wild and The Louge is cosy.

7. Again, if you still think you need to know more about the solid details of the trip, you can check them out in Fariz's blog.

8. More pictures in my flickr.

As if no options.

Affendi and I missed sahur today.

The Imsak for our time zone here is around 4:51am and It was 5:06am when I jumped out of my warm blanket. A wake-up call to Affendi's cabin did not mean anything but to wake him up for his prayer at dawn.

Blearily sitting at the edge of my bed, I was struggling amongst some options: to sleep on or to wake up, and also, to eat or not to eat.

YES, I knew I've just missed the valid time for sahur, but not the breakfast time on vessel.

The breakfast is served at 5:30am to 6:30am daily, and it's a typical western breakfast, with crispy hash browns and sunny-side-up, my favourite.

All of a sudden I had another options: To fast, or not to fast. I mean I was worrying about my day on board without any meal to kick start with, so I could choose not to fast *JUST* on this particular day ----

---- I guess I was bleary and dopey and sleepy back then, because I almost made a decision that could ruin all my effort.

YES, maybe you're right. Being a non-Muslim, fasting in Ramadhan is always optional for me. BUT what's the point if you've decided putting a 100% effort to something you believe but you still have this reservation that saying "you maybe don't have to insist too much" on the so called belief?

It's just like we've embarked on a journey, and it's definitely not my way to turn back before the journey ends. Definitely not, not even a thought.

I felt painful somewhere in my head when I suddenly realized I was so close to fall into the muddy trap of my cupidity, my senseless desire. I left my bed and took a shower. I was hungry -- my last 'meal' was peach yogurt after gym last night; the fast-breaking meal before gym was probably burned out during work-out -- but I still had an operation to monitor, I needed to see my surveyor and geophysicist to discuss about the winch failure happened last night.

I still needed to work, and THAT was not optional for me, even though with an empty stomach. Life, as well, does not possess too much options most of the time. Sometime we just need to bear with the situation that we're in, even though the situation is harsh and cruel.

I'm grateful enough to be in a situation where I have LOTS of options, but the option I eventually chose, despite the flexibility that we should have all the times, would be 'as if no option'. What would you do if there's no any other options for you? Yes, we just face it with big heart and great determination, and full patience.

To all my friends who fast during Ramadhan, happy embracing the spirit of being patience and staying focus.

Ps.. Yet, there's a little option I got to choose: I swore to put my handset few steps away from my bed next time -- because it proved, again and again, that most of the time the alarm only woke my fingers up, not myself.

This is an endurance test -- I'm in.

This is not something special and new. Indeed, this is something really normal as I've practised it 4 years straight. In another word, when thing is as normal as daily teeth-brushing task, it shouldn't be mentioned in a blog like this.. but the question is, why am I starting to compose an entry about it?

1st of course 4 years back I din have a blog to talk about this normal 'abnormal' thing (?); 2nd, I've encountered too many 'why' asking about my choice and my decision and my determination and earnestness.. (yeah, I've been interviewed by a Wawa TV Station, Majalah Minda, Princess Channel and 'Jambu!' teen magazine.... and same 1st question from them: WHY?).. ..

Why? Why do I poso skali?

I oftenly smiled this question off when friends of mine seeing me fast seriously in muslim's Bulan Ramdhan. Yes I do have an untold reason, but I prefer to let it unexplained. On the other hand, I seriously wanted to capture Malaysian's mentality about a non-muslim joining a so called Islamic way of life. ..

My question is, why do most of the people tend to see things from religious and racial perspective, while lots of things in our life can be as simple as a personal choice due to some straightforward reasons regarding health, social and etc? .. orait I have to admit that there was a reason for me to start fasting in Ramadhan, but there are more reasons for me to keep this habit going on till this year, especially after realizing that self-discipline is a very valuable quality that I should brush-up on.

Doing push-up 150 times per day needs self-discipline, I'm cutting it down to 100 times every 3-4 days..; jogging weekly needs self-discipline, and so far, erm.., so good..; struggling in working environment needs self-discipline, struggling in this Master programme needs extreme level of self-discipline, ...

...achieving my dreams of owning Chevrolet OPTRA5 and Canon EOS DSLR, achieiving my family's hope on me, making my family proud of me, following all the words in Rudyard Kipling's poem "If", getting true success in life, getting dreams-come-true of traveling all around the world...

...all of these, bear the same drive for fasting throughout one whole month, need self-discipline.

So I think this is my answer to all the 'WHY's .. : WHY NOT?

Month of Ramadhan bears a lot of wonderful meanings. I am certainly not in the position to tell it, but personally I see one valuable meaning of Ramadhan: it is a month of endurance test, and I'm in.