Apr 30, 2009

When tomorrow turns today..

Today I found myself pushing my body out from the mushy mud, tomorrow I'll clean myself and stand on firm ground;

Today I saw light at the end of the darkness, tomorrow I see me running towards the light, though it's tiny, but it's true.. ;

Today I was on my bended knee asking for God's forgiveness and permission, tomorrow I see me standing in front of the door, with a handful of love I received..

Today I hugged and kissed my brothers and we broke into tears of joy and love, tomorrow I see me walking with them, to the greatest journey that I'm about to embark..

Today I celebrated a rebirth, tomorrow I'll make my 1st step as a new born, carefully, and fearlessly.

When tomorrow turns today, I'll hold on my strength, and don't stop me from shedding my tears when I receive your love -- It's the tears of joy, and faith.

To my dearest, dearest brothers and sisters.. syukran.

Apr 23, 2009

Happy happy happy (re)birthday to me...

"..You know you are not alone..." she said this after a few seconds of silence, but it sounded so helpless.

Over the phone, he who already got tears flushed in the eye, laughed out loud, "I know I'm not -- of course I'm NOT alone! Hey we've just had fun laughing and dancing together, I enjoyed the company.. Hahaha!!"

Ha.ha..ha..-- an awkward silence ensued before her voice to be heard again in the phone, "..please... talk to us -- let us know what you feel, or we can't help..." she pleaded, "...none of us went through this, we need you to talk to us..."

"I'm fine.. don't worry.." His reply sounded lot emptier than the empty room after the party..


"My left hand is a cat, and my right hand is a touch with healing power.." -- Rebirth, 1st track in "Immortal", Cheer's latest album. He bought this album from a music store, a place he has been eagerly craving for to be in.

He knows the mechanism of sadness and loneliness -- these two elements always look for recognition from outside, through sharing, through talking, through understanding. But when the sharing the talking and the understanding are blocked, it's music store and book store that he would turn to -- where various moods are sold on the rack, various 'recognitions' are packed and sealed, you pick, you pay, and you go.

It's a cheap way of self -healing. Cheap, and superfacial, but somehow, it works.

Like his right hand touching his heart-broken cat on his left hand, the healing works, somehow..


"The fear makes me shiver with tears in the middle of many sleepless nights, the fear frightens me whenever an sms sent in or a phone call dialed in, the fear that smears so deep into me that it controls all my emotions when I'm alone... -- will you understand all these feelings? Will you understand the dilemma between switching off your phone to cut off from the reality, and let
your phone switched on to make sure you'd still receive calls and sms from friends to remind you that they're still around? Will you understand the pain when any slight sense of loosing hits you out of any tiny reason? Will you understand the pressure to stop tears from spilling when you are alone inside a train, in a meeting, in front of workstation, on a street and even in front of your closest friends? Will you understand the desperation of running away from everything, and leave everything behind?

Will you understand how you realize you love your friends and you don't want them to listen to all these? Will you understand?

..will you?"


No she did not listen to all these. The phone was hung up. The only one who listened, was he himself, and perhaps God -- perhaps, cuz he never knew how to talk to God, though he always desperately wanted to...


Nobody in this world would forget their own birthday, nor ignore it. Hence, counting down to one's own birthday is inevitable.

The album 'Immortal' is a birthday gift for himself, although he knows that's not any greatest and proudest birthday gift -- most probably, the coming birthday wouldn't be the greatest nor the proudest one.

...counting down to this birthday, is like zooming into a fear, a fear of known and more unknowns..

He returned to his empty world after the phone. Feeling sorry about her, and everyone who cares..

"How would we understand if you just keep all those to yourself?" was her last question..

I'm sorry, I just hate to be a looser, I just hate being fragile, I just hate to be pitied, I just hate to be a burden to all I love..

He double clicked Track 1 on his player, flipping through the booklet of 'Immortal', he found a footnote about the album, printed on the last page:

"..to all sorrowful soul.."

He couldn't help but to hold both his hands together.. "...my left hand is a cat, and my right hand is a touch with healing power..." Cheer sang from his player. He fell on his knee...

Apr 19, 2009


He looks at the mirror, recheck -- there was a weeping sad face 2 a.m. in the morning, where he fell apart upon all the loads and burdens in another sleepless night; and now there's a skinny feature in the mirror, calm and emotionless on the angular face. He doesn't find any sign of strength, but beneath the shadow in the eye there's a determination, he rechecks.

".. let me rephrase, sir..." he hopes he'd been putting it correctly in his 1st statement, "I'm stuck in between two doors -- I need to close one door in order to enter the other; both doors just can't connect and make this whole world one room..." he rephrases.

I receive guidance I receive love, I receive signals I receive strength;
I receive warnings I receive hatred, I receive bad-news I receive fear..

"No worthwhile move comes without sacrifices, and greater sacrifices needs greater strength, with stronger faith.." trying to remember how he was moved by this statement which came from a wiseman he met, he remembers another line from another mysterious man who came to him in one fine afternoon,
".. brother, keep this name -- it means faith, and it means fearless -- that's you name, my brother, that's your name.."

He looks at the mirror, recheck -- there's no more weeping sad face but a skinny feature with shadow in his eye. Almost 2 in the morning, he's alone in the mirror, and the mirror reflects also the loneliness of his world. He then realizes that his life is retarded already -- it is empty now.

Apr 9, 2009

Promise to run for..

"Do you know what I like most about mountain hiking?"


"Every step you make, you are one step closer to the peak...." I looked up and turned to Fatma, gave her a smile..

"NO!!!" Fatma disagreed, "..Every step you make, you are one step FURTHER away from where you started off, " she protested, "...AND ONE STEP FURTHER away from where you need to return to!!!"

I looked at her. Said nothing, hopped a few steps up then turned to her, "C'mon Fatma. We're almost there..."

Out of frustration towards the organizer, Daus, Wan and I decided to quit the race. And that triggered the disappointment from the rest of the KOMA racers. Huda came to me and pleaded, "Look, you guys don't have to do that -- quitting the race is not going to solve anything... "

I looked at her and the rest of the ladies team. Our Ms Sunshine Fatma had been so quiet since just now, Nurin and Uyun did not cover their disappointment towards three of us. And Farid our team manager -- I know he's pissed off.

"Ke garisan.." The Men's Open racers were about the be flagged off. Ijol, Coco and Zahir were behind the flag-off line..

"C'mon Man, sempat lagi nih..." Huda pleaded. I muted.

"... if the rest of the KOMA members were here, they must be very disappointed with you guys.." Huda left me alone with her last sta

"GO!!" Followed by the thunderous roar of Men's Open racers stepping on the mountain after flagging off.

..and I was still sitting beside, in my hand was my bip number for a Men's Open category, pondering Huda's words.

I met Coco at near-peak of Gunung Datuk where he was about to shoot down to the finishing line. Snapped a picture of him then I quickly passed him my water bottle -- this guy had been so confident and he'd never considered of bringing water for the race -- and look at how quickly he finished my water, I knew he's just drained out by his own arrogance.

I need to shoot back to check out those who were still behind.

PapaJai said, "A true Mohawk is the one who leads in front, and also the one who will run to the last person in the troop, and making sure everyone in the troop is taken care of.." -- and I'm still learning.

Way up: Fatma -- checked; Huda -- checked; Uyun -- checked; Nurin -- checked; Zahir -- found him sitting aside resting, but checked; Ijol -- steady, checked; Coco -- checked;

Way down: Ijol -- still steady, checked; Huda -- She's building her speed, checked; Uyun -- I was expecting to see Nurin, checked; Zahir -- found him sitting aside resting again, checked; Nurin -- found her in pale, but catching up her breath, checked;

Fatma -- not checked.

I just had to run faster to look for Fatma -- Zahir and Fatma were considered as rookies in racing while Coco, Ijol, Huda, Uyun and Nurin were relatively more experienced in racing. And YES, my biggest worry was Fatma -- NOT because I didn't trust her stamina, but because she said something that really annoyed me before the race.

She said,"Well, I'll try -- but most likely I'll turn back before the peak kuut..."

Well Fatma, this is not going to happen, I promise.

I made a promise before. I remember.

There's one day when PapaJai the KOMA Otai sat in front of me and told me about his hope of seeing a true Mohawk in me, I nodded;

There's one day I ran all the way down from a peak of a mountain and left all the troopers behind and being scolded by some disappointed faces after that, I nodded;

Right after the flag off of Men's Open category, the Men's Teen category's racers were all set to be flagged off, it will be followed by Ladies' Open. I looked at Huda, Nurin, Uyun, Fatma and Farid. Same disappointed faces.

I nodded.

"Farid, give me the camera --" I turned to Farid, then to the girls, "aku teman diorng naik."


It was indeed such a great relieved to finally meet our Ms Little Sunshine, making her step hard upward..

"You're not thinking of turning back right?" I approached her.

'Seriously, yes for a few times already.." She looked surprised s
eeing me, I guess -- or it was just plain a face expression of regrets.

"Let's go, we get to the peak together."

4 of April, 2009. The troop of KOMA arrived Negeri Sembilan's Gunung Datok to take part in the "N9 Sirkit Gunung Challenge" where the participants are required to race on 3 mountains in 3 months (Gunung Datok @ 4 April; Gunung Tampin @ 16 May; Gunung Angsi @ 27 June) in order to complete the circuit.

The KOMA racing cast consisted of Daus, Wan, Ijol, Coco, Zahir, me myself, Nurin, Huda, Uyun and Fatma; Shah Farid as our team manager -- and hey, it was the biggest racing team from KOMA after the ever-happening The 6th Perak Iron-bound back in January this year, and with the debut of our very eye-catching KOMA Tee, it was SUPPOSED to be another exciting adventure race for KOMA but, I just have to say this, the lame organizer insisted on 'flirting' their VIP with all the non-sense 'protocol' that triggered frustrations among the racers.

Nevertheless, we're still hyped up by our debutants like Fatma and Zahir who join
ed a race for their very 1st time; Farid made his debut as our Team Manager (Wa respect sama lu brader!!); and Nurin grabbed the 10th placing in Women's Open category!

We thank those who supported, logistically and morally; and we apologize to those who got disappointed, heartiestly and sincerely.


Ps.. Yes Fatma, every step we make, we are one step further to where we started off -- but who cares? Being adventurous is all about getting out of our comfort zone, right? Congratulation girl, you made it! And to Zahir our new geng, welcome to KOMA!