realize .. (..a sequel, perhaps..)

Once upon a time God gave me a vision of a bridge, and I perceived it as a hope for the final linkage of two lands...

.. I looked forward the bridge to come, and I whispered to myself, "I wish I could see how it built... I wish I could see how it built...." .. with tears down, I thanked for the guidance.

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Not long ago from then I looked at the bridge, I found my vision blurred...

... and I told myself, "keep your faith... the bridge is still there, InsyaAllah... " .. with tears down, I hoped it could clean the dusk from my sight...

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Not far away from now I reached the river bank, and I saw no bridge..

.. I hopelessly fell on my knees and asked God what happened... with tears down, dropped into the water of the river, I saw my reflection..

I saw a bridge. The bridge.

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Not so far away from now I was reluctant to accept the true message of the vision, avoiding the great responsibility that was assigned..

.. I helplessly begged God to take away the burden.. with tears down, I saw myself crumbled into bricks and pebbles, into sands and dusk...

I could never be the bridge...

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Just ago my struggle broke me down and I fell on my bended knees.. ..

"There's no bridge -- you are the bridge, face it.."

... the greatest challenge, the deepest dilemma, the darkest struggle, the most heart-tearing battle, the tinniest hope.. -- face it.

.. with tears down, I pray for strength, for perseverance, for wisdom, for guidance and for a stronger faith, to face a destiny that I couldn't run away from..

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Ps..

It took me more than 2 years to realize this heavy message behind the vision I received once upon a time...

I realized now, that the moment when I received the vision of a bridge once upon a time, a task had been destined to me already;

I realized now, that when I was on my bended knees once upon a time and praying for the bridge to come, a responsibility had been added on my shoulder already;

I realized now, that when I was on my bended knees once upon a time, listening to the fear of letting my loved ones down and wishing for a strength to raise myself up, a calling had been made louder in my ears already;

I realized now, that when I was writing about a bridge once upon a time in February 2009, and posted it and titled it as 'On my bended knees', another post echoing it with my realization, had been written, somewhere in my life, already.....

Tangled..

I'm tangled.

Face it: after all the while where we thought things are ok, I'm still in deep fear.

What did I do that dragged everyone else to the drowned what did I do that pushed everyone else start whispering at the corner what did I do that poured the silence spell to my love ones what did I do that faked every worries with a plastic relieve what did I do that made my old men stayed up in the night and stared the empty ceiling with their empty eye what did I do that sucked the soul of a sunshine what did I do that made a shout a yield a tease a sigh an insult what did I do that made my love ones wiped their tears quietly?

Is my vision that pushes me to take the less-traveled trail, or it's just my fear that blindfolds me from seeing the right way?

.... but vision, do I still have the guts to claim there's any, after all what had happened?

................ ....

Sorry, I truly am.