Apr 23, 2009

Happy happy happy (re)birthday to me...

"..You know you are not alone..." she said this after a few seconds of silence, but it sounded so helpless.

Over the phone, he who already got tears flushed in the eye, laughed out loud, "I know I'm not -- of course I'm NOT alone! Hey we've just had fun laughing and dancing together, I enjoyed the company.. Hahaha!!"

Ha.ha..ha..-- an awkward silence ensued before her voice to be heard again in the phone, "..please... talk to us -- let us know what you feel, or we can't help..." she pleaded, "...none of us went through this, we need you to talk to us..."

"I'm fine.. don't worry.." His reply sounded lot emptier than the empty room after the party..

*********************************************

"My left hand is a cat, and my right hand is a touch with healing power.." -- Rebirth, 1st track in "Immortal", Cheer's latest album. He bought this album from a music store, a place he has been eagerly craving for to be in.

He knows the mechanism of sadness and loneliness -- these two elements always look for recognition from outside, through sharing, through talking, through understanding. But when the sharing the talking and the understanding are blocked, it's music store and book store that he would turn to -- where various moods are sold on the rack, various 'recognitions' are packed and sealed, you pick, you pay, and you go.

It's a cheap way of self -healing. Cheap, and superfacial, but somehow, it works.

Like his right hand touching his heart-broken cat on his left hand, the healing works, somehow..

***********************************************************

"The fear makes me shiver with tears in the middle of many sleepless nights, the fear frightens me whenever an sms sent in or a phone call dialed in, the fear that smears so deep into me that it controls all my emotions when I'm alone... -- will you understand all these feelings? Will you understand the dilemma between switching off your phone to cut off from the reality, and let
your phone switched on to make sure you'd still receive calls and sms from friends to remind you that they're still around? Will you understand the pain when any slight sense of loosing hits you out of any tiny reason? Will you understand the pressure to stop tears from spilling when you are alone inside a train, in a meeting, in front of workstation, on a street and even in front of your closest friends? Will you understand the desperation of running away from everything, and leave everything behind?

Will you understand how you realize you love your friends and you don't want them to listen to all these? Will you understand?

..will you?"

.....

No she did not listen to all these. The phone was hung up. The only one who listened, was he himself, and perhaps God -- perhaps, cuz he never knew how to talk to God, though he always desperately wanted to...

********************************************************

Nobody in this world would forget their own birthday, nor ignore it. Hence, counting down to one's own birthday is inevitable.

The album 'Immortal' is a birthday gift for himself, although he knows that's not any greatest and proudest birthday gift -- most probably, the coming birthday wouldn't be the greatest nor the proudest one.

...counting down to this birthday, is like zooming into a fear, a fear of known and more unknowns..

He returned to his empty world after the phone. Feeling sorry about her, and everyone who cares..

"How would we understand if you just keep all those to yourself?" was her last question..

I'm sorry, I just hate to be a looser, I just hate being fragile, I just hate to be pitied, I just hate to be a burden to all I love..

He double clicked Track 1 on his player, flipping through the booklet of 'Immortal', he found a footnote about the album, printed on the last page:

"..to all sorrowful soul.."

He couldn't help but to hold both his hands together.. "...my left hand is a cat, and my right hand is a touch with healing power..." Cheer sang from his player. He fell on his knee...


15 comments:

Yus.MY said...

very deep posting....
& echoing from what "she" told u...talk to us...u hv all of us by your side..

Sayuti said...

oit...besday ko bukan lagi seminggu ke?

Shunza said...

what happened? u never answer my question... now here's the 2nd question:

what WILL happen on ur birthday? What do u mean by counting down the birthday is like zooming into a fear?

open up, bro..

SpidEy d'lEfty said...

kak yus, dun worry.

Sayut, yeah -- birthday aku lambat lagi --- so citer nih bukan pasal aku.. huhu..

Shunza, when r u coming back?

Madam Robert said...

oit~!! bila nak update cerita lari2~?? habis dah? xde lari2 dah? g lari2 ngnb Flocy laa kat Edinburg!! =p

my point is... NEXT!!! (in denial)

Nik Nor Zafirah said...

bloghopping.

i like the flair and immaculateness of the wrintings on here. but i couldn't help but notice that PERHAPS the person in the writings (whomever it is for or about) has lost faith in GOD?
It was mentioned that 'he' would never know whether God is listening.

well, trust me, whatever happens HE will always be listening. all we have to do is tune ourselves to Him once in awhile and believe in the faith that we have in God.

Good luck! =)

SpidEy d'lEfty said...

Hana, I'm so sorry -- I supposed to be racing this morning then update u bout the race but due to kepenatan (both otak and badan), I quitted.

Life's been chaotic lately.

Nik,
Thanks for dropping by... and thank you for the kind message... 'He' is trying to stay strong, with the faith to God.

Please drop by more often.


lefty

Madam Robert said...

u quit? wow. doesnt sounds like you.

whatever happened, stay strong okeh~ doesnt feel nice to be at the bottom of the wheel ~ but then (as quoted by one of my dear friend), you can only go UP!! ^^

Nik Nor Zafirah said...

yea do link me up on here. thanks. looking forward to more deep, interesting posts from you =)

http://victoriousgal.blogspot.com

Nik Nor Zafirah said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

brother,lil sis agn..
i really wana ask u like wat Shunza asked,'what WILL happen on ur birthday? What do u mean by counting down the birthday is like zooming into a fear?'
u noe,tis 1 really freaky..i don tink is citer pasal org lain..
Bro,it's really deep to understand of ur situation..Perhaps u jz wan to get all to urself..jz like u said,'u hate to be a looser,u jz hate being fragile.....burden to all u love'nobody get to noe into ur world cos u din let urself open to others..Bt,it's ur choice..choice to be hided fr all of us..it's no way to reveal it unless guessing..unless u choose to be said..
I wish wat i had guessed is al completely deviated from wat it's..
Bt if it is,hope that ur right hand can really bring u the healing power.n the FAITH muz lasts immortal..
Brother,im supporting u no matter wat..so as parents and siblings..REMember to be strong..strong like when u r in ur young age..
Tell u a secret,since when i was young,i did respect u n YOU alw b my idol...ALWAYS..til now...and you do..influenced me a lot a lot..
GOd bless u and u muz cheer it up~come on...:)

Anonymous said...

Left 1 more bro...Happy Birthday in advance...it's ur birthday,mother's suffering day...do rmbr tat...
And THer alw hav the solutions to solve any problems u faced..no empty solution in this world...

fariz said...

Now everybody needs to give this man here a birthday present... to make him cheer-up and to let him be him...

Send my regards to this guy you are referring to. I wish him all the best. I wish that his pain will go away soon. I wish those closest to him will help him ease the pain away. I wish that his dearest will understand him and accept him as he is. As he always going to be. Cos he will never change. Nothing will change him.

May God bless him and you too...

Sayuti said...

lagi satu hari...

renjuna said...

...very deep thought of you

and Happy Belated Birthday Wishes for you ...

May Allah Bless you ...