split|ting me...

Man: "..I think I failed... I even lost something I didn't expect initially..."

Spider: "I think I did worse... been working so hard but I am just plain inefficient.. what did you lose by the way?"

lEfty: "..He lost his ability to share how he feels.. all his words gone.. sigh.... why is everything getting tougher as we thought it'll be going fine? I lost my heart in the middle of my task, and I couldn't find it now.... "

Me: ".. perhaps we are wrong... it's a mistake for us to be splitted and then we become companions for each other among us.... like this ...."

sigh..

How wrong am I?

Hiatus. I apologize.

I wrote and saved so many drafts since the start of 2010, but none of them will fit enough to describe what's wrong (or what's not-wrong) with a blogging me, or a living me..

... hence those drafts stay draft, like the wrong me stays wrong..

How wrong am I as per date?

I see sounds. Yup, THAT wrong.

I can't tell you how terrible the feeling is when 'seeing' sounds moving around like drawing blocks, or even worse, plywoods. For example you'll wonder why that piece of sound do not have transparent background so that when overlapping in front of another piece of sound (or plywood in this case) we still can see what's going on with the plywood behind.

Then you'll start getting fuzzy and try every means to move the plywood behind to front like what we do to the graphic arrangement on Microsoft Powerpoint or any other visual software on computer; and then you'll find out the same issue happening to the second plywood and then you'll start shifting it to behind again or closer to each other hoping that they will blend together and then you'll get frustrated and then you knock the plywoods and try side-by-side arrangement and then you concluded they really can't blend his way so you retry by tilting them at various angle, orientating them or maybe upside-down and you try again by shifting them, front to end, side by side... --- oh yeah by the way that's only for 2 'plywoods', don't get me started with more sounds here.

So you tell me, how wrong am I? I know, sounds -- but that's not the problem, I think. Do you still keep the memory of coloring when you were young? What do you feel when you do coloring and there's a little area just can't stick with any color you try to put on? I used to see a crocodile hiding in that little area, eating up all my colors within his territory.

The world change when our vision towards a picture collapses -- that's how wrong I am, now.

PS:

1. STOP trying to interpret this post if you don't have the coloring memory.

2. STOP trying to interpret this post if you don't believe the power of vision.

3. STOP trying to interpret this post as this post might be another draft that I'll save forever...

A confession of a broken-hearted photographer...

Yes Datuk, I did not put this in the 'Terms & Conditions' when we made the agreement of me taking photos for your engagement day, and I think I should have mentioned this anyway:

"The photographer shall take the best pictures for the event covering the best lighting, best posing, best angle and best subject composition with his best effort, but the photographer shall also be given the exception should the quality of work is defected by the inner factor such as emotions. Client is advised to consider viewing the pictures as 'another way of expression'. "

-- In this clause, 'another way of expression' is free from the client's expectation, as it's heavily dependent on the mood of the photographer.

In other words, you should not blame me for some weird pictures I've taken which were not up to the standard of Ms Fatma The Ultimate Diva Behind Lens.

OK let put it straight -- If you find the pictures are a little bit gloomy, sorrowful, lonely or perhaps sensing the smell of heart-broken, you should, according to the clause, just accept it, because --

-- well, I hate to say this, you've got one of the finest lady in this world as your fiance.. and my heart was hence broken into pieces just because she's yours now.

Congratulations, heartily from your (heart-already-broken) photographer.

Ps:
1. Wakakakakka... psycho x?
2. Datuk, remember the conversation we talked about photo-editing? These photos are purposely touched up, just because of the ambiance I want -- so, though sometime photo editing is 'kinda' against a photographer's 'integrity', but for the sake of 'expression', feel no guilty.

03:31:54.

I guess I stumbled.

Just think that standing up after stumbling -- that would be a little bit childish here..

Want to, but not really afford to...

A thread of old life, how would you pick up? How about that of new one?

Normal may it sound - but how'd you go on when your heart begins to understand there's no going back?

Life, and its many many layers, were your choice initially, but not your options anymore once you'd decided...

... ...........

1. Pardon my awkward writing, I called it 'hide-and-seek'.

2. IGNORE it if you don't want to understand. Really, it doesn't really matter, so don't shout at me.

3. 03:31:54, I'm tired.

4. Happy holiday, if the mood matches yours.

Inspire. Inspired. Inspiring.

A young reader of my blog, Cheer, decided to start off blogging after following my little 'lEft.nothingbehind' for quite some times. She sent me a message telling me how nervous she was.

...and I did not reply Cheer's message. I only smiled and wished her all the best, in my heart.

Another young reader of my humble blog, Zafirah, sent me a little note telling me how she was 'inspired' by the approach of me telling a story.. and hence practiced it in her SPM trial of English paper essay writing, and managed to get a 47/50 high score, equivalent to 91% for the paper. In her email, she told me how excited and how thankful she was..

....and until now I do not know how to reply her email.

Across the South China Sea, an English teacher in China, Xiaorong Li, sent me a note asking permission to use one of my blog post for her (his?) class. In the note, teacher Xiaorong Li told me she wished to let her students perceive a 'transcultural perspective' from my post...

...and I think I replied something but I forgot..

.... ...

...and now please tell me how should I react to all these feedbacks. Overwhelmed? Proud? Excited? Motivated? What?

What?

I showed the email from Ms. Zafirah to my mentors, hoping I would get some words from them but I did not. Of course they are happy for me for being good enough to inspire someone else, but that was not the feeling I was getting.

Instead, I somehow felt worried.

'To inspire' is a big word, and I don't think I'm right to carry it.

I know what's the feeling of 'getting inspired' like, and I would proudly say that there are great people around me who are truly inspiring... and listen carefully, inspirational people can be people who seems to be tiny and down-to-earth. I've seen too many so called 'great leaders' talking on the stage of 'inspiring people', but they only talk craps and cliche, and pathetic enough, while they thought they are gaining worships and admirations, they never realized they are actually making themselves an on-sale product with cheap promotions.

Seriously, when you find yourself trying too hard boosting what you are and who you are, with some old memories of track records and medals and awards, then you are loosing crowd.

..cuz a man would know well enough what's the feeling of being truly inspired.. and a man, too, should know well enough when and why they are being truly inspiring, and when and why they are not.

..because 'to inspire' is a big word -- I just think that one should at least be righteous and sincere enough to carry the noble task, achievements and glories are only the next factors that count after the integrity and modesty, no?

Ps.. Zafirah, yes you are right, it feels amazing to know I somehow helped out at the end of the day through my humble writings, but I don't think mine is able to affect people as what you've said. I'm glad I've unintentionally provided you some kind of references or perhaps an idea for you to write better, and your feedback is definitely alarming for me as I now really really have to watch out what I write and what I said. :) thanks again.

In pursuit of knightship.

I'm back. Last night, while you were asleep.

Pardon me for the sweat and blood, it was a lot of try-and-error I've done.

Pardon me for the wounds and scars, it was a lot of huff-and-puff I've gone through..

..and pardon me for failing, if you expect any win.

I'm back. Last night, and I sneaked into your room.

I still have my sword with me, more importantly I still have my name with me. "Your name is a given," she said, "use it to fight rather than your sword.."

..and I left, for this journey, carrying my name and her last words, I brought it to you...

I'm back. Last night. And I kneed beside you and observed.

I could tell you my wildest tales of my journey, tell you how I fought the dragon and escaped from a bursting volcano.. ; or perhaps how I lost in the jungle of lies and almost drowned in the river of dilemma...

..and of course sometime I exaggerate, but my dear, every story I've told is part of me... ..

I'm back. Last night, when you were dreaming of an adventure.

How I wish you'd learn to stand tall, and live righteously; but living righteously is more than what people around you might have told you...

"Always check your intent before you draw your sword," she made me to remember this when I was given this sword....and now I'm giving it to you, and promise me to use it as a separator.

A separator between one right intent and those bad ones..

... as one right intent is already a beginning of righteous living..

I'm back. Last night, and I kissed your sleeping eye...

.. and I'm leaving, perhaps before dawn..

How I wish to take you along, but I choose not to. As you will have your own journey one day... a journey like mine, or even greater, and as adventurous as your dream, in your pursuit of knightship.

The curious case of the disloyal order and the disorder loyal of a writing bug in a disturbed mind..

(There comes November, prescribing a death penalty onto my blog posts for October.. )

(... and I apologize to those who waited. In fact I'm surprised and thankful to know that there are actually people waiting.)

Yes, my writing paused. It just jammed like the photocopier in my office. And when I thought I was stuck because of the chaos in my life throughout the month of October, a friend of mine came to me and ask a simple question:

"Can I look at what's in ur pocket?"

There's a little notebook inside my pocket. I do a lot of drafting and quick jotting inside it. But lately, it's filled with sketches.

... hence I realized, I wasn't stuck, I was just unintentionally switching to another way of expression -- I don't write, but I sketch -- in the middle of a wait, inside LRT, after-work walking alone, midnight awake -- whenever I'm alone, whenever the disorder state of emotion haunts me, whenever a heavy press of my pen onto the paper or a random line helps in expressing my desperation or chaos better than words.

Post-post note....

"You don't seem OK..." She gave the notebook back to me after flipping through it..

"I'm OK.." I smiled, kind of regret for lending her the notebook.

".. a spider's killer instinct is actually its self-protection... for they got hurt, they get defensive... I understand where you are coming from... " she explained.

I was stunned.

".. but don't build up the walls around you... " she continued.

I was stunned.

Thank you, Shunza.